I Like to Depress Myself

I guess I really like to depress myself. Because I'm constantly trying to figure out where I should be/where I am in comparison to others, I end up comparing myself to my mom quite a bit.

This is a stupid idea.

The world was a lot different in her day-not going to college wasn't a huge deal, and getting married and having babies right after high school was pretty normal. Of course, my mom waited until she was 19 and had spent a year in college (to become a mechanical engineer, I might add) to drop out and get married.

But, being the nerd I am, I calculated some stuff. Like, today I am 23 yrs, 7 mos, and 15 days old. That day occurred for my mom on August 29, 1981. By that day, my mom was married, had a little boy who was almost two (Sept. 20) and was about a month pregnant with me.

I can't even cook a real meal for myself and my mom was pregnant and taking care of two children (and one of them was 6'2"). She was living in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida, while all of her family was in Memphis, Tennessee.

All of this makes me wonder if I've chosen the wrong path. All I have to show for myself is an undergraduate degree in mechanical engineering and most of the classes toward a master's degree in materials engineering. I can't even decide where to go get my PhD.

Every time I see a baby or a cute little kid, 2 or 3 years old, I get this twinge in my stomach, like a physical, painful desire to have one of my own. This is probably also why I am a little depressed about the whole dating thing-if I can't find a husband, I can't have babies.

Its like I have these two very separate people living inside me-the one who wants to get a PhD and teach...I would love that so much, and the the one who wants to raise a family and be a mom. I just haven't figured out if I can really do both, and at what step I can afford to mix the two people. I've always been of the mindset that I need to wait until I'm finished with school to marry and have kids, because I just don't see myself balancing those activities well. But the older I get the more I begin to doubt that being my best option. I could be as old as 29 when I finish. Do I really want to wait until my 30s for kids? For a husband? That seems so far away. Granted, the last 6 years flew by, but do I really want to "lose" the next 6 years as they fly by, too?

Aw, F*ck

Don't you hate it when you have a stupid moment?

I came in to work on Saturday (Christmas Eve) to get a test started. I know this seems a little odd, but I really want to finish my thesis as soon as is humanly possible and if I wanna do that, I gotta keep the machine going. My advisor was already planning to come in because he's one of those crazy engineering guys who doesn't think anything is wrong with working on Saturdays, let alone Christmas Eve. So, we get everything set up, run up the furnaces and get the test started. About three hours (including travel) of my Christmas Eve gone, but I think it is well worth it.

Um, not so fast, Slick...

Got in to work this morning. My advisor had already collected some data for me. Everything seems great. Then I look at my 458 (test controller) and notice that my low reading on my peak monitor seems way too high. My first thought is, "maybe its about to break!" but then I look at the computer and, oh yeah, I made a mistake entering my data-instead of 0.905, I put 9.050. Dyslexia at its best. This pretty much means that my test would have run for a very very very very long time without breaking. Grrr. So, the title of this blog comes out of my mouth. I go downstairs, find my advisor, and tell him what I've done (mind you, he was there when I did it). His response is, "F*ck. D*mnit. Son of a b*tch." At least he wasn't cursing at me. So we stopped the test, pulled the specimen, and I have to get a new one started. I basically ruined this specimen and wasted an entire weekend's worth of testing.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I guess I'll just have to do better next time. At least I can't get fired-it is my thesis project. The worst thing that can happen to me is that I'll never graduate...

Happy Birthday

I have to start my post today with a big 'ol HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite dance partner. Seeing as how you are in Korea, it is now 2am and you are probably done or close to being done celebrating it, but I still wanted to say it again.

On a different note...
Anyone who read my last blog could probably tell that I was a bit upset. I don't take kindly to people reaming me for no good reason. I asked for some advice, and I got it from a few people. Some said I should just ignore him, others said I should schedule time to talk to him and make sure he knew there was no malice in my intent, and my roommate just said I should go rip him a new one. I think I've settled for a hand-written letter.

My reasons for not going with the suggestions are as follows:
1.) I can't really ignore him-he works in a lab where there are times I need to ask for assistance. I can't afford for things to be that awkward.
2.) At the moment I'm still too angry too say anything in person. I will do much better putting my words down on paper so I don't forget anything in the heat of an argument that I really needed to say. Besides, going out of my way to do what I wanted to do and he yelled at me on paper for not doing just seems dumb. Don't give me a chance to do things, I won't do them. I also shouldn't have to prove to anyone that I am a good person. People are always making snap decisions based on stupid misinformation or their own insecurities and if I spent my whole life making sure everyone liked me I wouldn't like myself anymore.
3.) As much as I would LOVE to walk down to his lab right now and just let him have it, I'm too professional and too nice to do it (which, in his note to me, I apparently am not). I would get a lot more pleasure out of quietly making him feel like the biggest choadknocker in the world.

My reasons for choosing the letter are as follows:
1.) I can leave it on his desk/windshield/etc. without having to see him (big plus).
2.) I can have other people (my roommates, both current and college) read the letter and give me feedback.
3.) I at least have a little bit of a break before he can say anything back to me about the letter.
4.) It keeps it on a maturity level he can deal with. If I were to take certain (bitchy) measures things could get pretty ugly pretty quickly between the two of us. I'd rather just be done with it. The end.

Today I'm going out to two bars. In about an hour I'm going out with my work group-gov't and contractors-to celebrate the winter solstice. Its really just an excuse to leave work a little early and drink some beers together. Then in about 5 hours I'm going to drink with my office mates and all of the guys that hang out with them. It concerns my mom that I'm "one of the guys", but that's what I've been going for all along.

I'm supposed to have this Friday/Monday and next Friday/Monday off work for Christmas and New Year's, respectively. I just found out that I may be coming in to work on Friday to keep my specimens running in the machine as much as possible. So basically I'm on call. Yipee. Depending on whether my advisor is in on those other "holiday" days, I may get to come in on some of them as well. Oh, the joys of graduate school. Anyway, I think that's about all I have to say.

Have a good day!

Harsh words make for an angry Mandy

I'm not normally one to get angry. I try to see the good in situations, and take things for what they really are. Overreacting is not something I think is necessary. Now, I'll preface this with the comment where from the outside, not knowing my circumstances, someone else may not know what is going on, and may be offended by my lack of communication. That being said...

I went to a company Christmas party with the guy I had been seeing-his company Christmas party. I was already starting to feel like things weren't going anywhere, but I didn't feel like I could back out on him. I go, open bar, other coworkers encouraging me, I end up shitfaced. A little embarassed about that, but whatever. The following couple days of work I have finals and the next week I have a huge presentation to give for work-gov't guys want to know about my thesis, so I was freakin' out a bit. I didn't have a lot of time to be visiting with people while I was at work, and I was working full days. I was tired and cranky. Saturday the 10th, I come down with the flu. And I mean "knock you on your butt for 6 days" kind of flu. The only people whose phone calls I was returning were my mom's and my roommate's...and that was just so they'd stop bugging me. Well, the day I got sick he called me to ask me to go to a movie-after I had already seen it with my college roommate earlier in the day-I didn't realize how bad my flu was until I was out and I hate cancelling plans with people. Well, I didn't call him back. Then I didn't work Monday, I worked on Tuesday trying to do the presentation and get a test running, but as soon as I did some stuff I went home and slept for 4-5 hours. Got up and tried to work on Wednesday, but my advisor sent me home 1/2 an hour after I got there-he said we would move my presentation (now its set for the 5th of January). Went back to bed all day. Didn't bother going to work on Thursday. Went to work on Friday, but was busy with work all day. Spent my weekend doing the Christmas shopping I hadn't had a chance to do while I was sick and catching up on everything else I put off. As of today (Monday the 19th) I still haven't spoken to him. This was not a direct attempt at being a bitch, it was more having other pressing things to worry about and not wanting to to dump someone over the phone while I was sick. But I can see someone thinking that I was blowing him off. I do NOT, however, believe that I earned the note I found in my drawer in the metlab this afternoon (as written-typos are not mine):

So, why did you use me?
So was that your plan all along? I didn't think you were that kind of person. I guess I wrong, I guess what amazes me the most is that despite how everyone says your so business like and formal, you didn't even have enough couth and respect to just tell me that you didn't want to date anymore. I would have respected that. The way you're doing it now is so childish, by avoiding and running away from the issue. If you think that I was moving too slow, I was! I was waiting for the Christmas party, you know the right moment, you of course you ruined that. I'm not the kind of guy that would make a move on a drunk girl, but I think you knew that too and that's why you did what you did. All this makes little difference now, I was just curious I suppose. Well I guess your off to use someone else good luck with that!

Now, I can understand him being a little put out. But really, telling me I'm a bitch in a note in my drawer? At least call me and leave a voicemail on my phone or something. I also kind of resent him saying that I would get drunk to avoid him making a move on me when I avoided drinking alcohol during any of our other dates so that he wouldn't have to worry about me being drunk. But anyway...

I'm looking for suggestions. What is the best way to respond to this? Do I write him a letter back responding point by point to his letter as to why things are the way they are? Do I call him? Do I confront him at work in front of our co-workers? I was basically trying to avoid doing any of the above, trying to wait until we could sit down and talk about it, but now I don't see that happening. Or do I just ignore it? Because now a bit of the bitch is welling up in me saying that if he thinks I'm such a bitch, I shouldn't even honor it with a response.

P.S. I wish he would tell me who this other guy that I'm using is...

So Tired

Can I just tell you how sleepy I've been for the past week? I have basically spent the last year being a bum. Four hours of work in the morning, class directly after, and then the rest of the day to do whatever it is I want to do. Sufficed to say, its been nice.

But now that my thesis is trying to get started(and I say trying because I've only tested one specimen and could have probably broken another one and had one in the process of breaking by now if I hadn't been handed more B.S. to work out), I've stayed at work until 4 or 5pm every day for over a week.

This is a big change when you are used to going home every afternoon to watch your soaps and take a nap. I am also a taurus, so I don't do well with change. So I guess its not really my fault-I couldn't control when my mom gave birth to me. But basically what I'm trying to say is that this is gonna take a little getting used to. And its not all just because of work. Monday and Tuesday I had my finals for the semester and I've got a presentation coming up with nothing to show (because the people I'm supposed to present to have been holding up my testing) and I've had lots of ASME stuff going on. So now I feel like I have so little of the day to myself when I'm done with work and I spend it working on other stuff. I supposed I have made my own bed. No one made me go to grad school...no, wait, the gov't guys told me I had no choice...but the ASME stuff is all my fault.
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About the only exciting thing right now is knowing that my VS package came in the mail and I can pick it up after work today...yay for new bras!
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Yesterday I had to teach my roommate a lesson. I want to start this off by saying I feel really bad about doing this to her dog, because it isn't the dog's fault, but the girl needs to understand this.

She calls me around 4pm while I'm at work, and asks me where I am (apparently she hasn't caught on to the fact that I work pretty normal working day hours now, but whatever). So I tell her I am at work. She asks me when I'm going to be home. I have been telling her since Sunday (and more specifically, I told her Tuesday evening) that I had an ASME function on campus and I was going straight from work on Wednesday. So I tell her again that I am not going home until after my function, and I don't know how long it will last. Then she tells me that she has to monitor detention after school (which, I pay attention when she tells me things so, I already knew) and then has to work at the basketball game (which she supposedly was not informed of until yesterday morning-but she probably has access to a frickin' game schedule-and mind you, she asked to take on this extra responsibility, so you would think she'd check the schedule even more so) so she won't be home until 7:30 or 8ish. My response, in a slightly less bitchy tone and wording, was, "sorry about your luck". I don't think its fair for her to ask me to take time out, miss out on my activities, because she isn't home enough to care for her own pet. That's why I have a cat. A dog would be a great pet to have, but sometimes I'll just not be able to come home for 15hrs and if its an indoor dog it can't wait that long to pee and poop-that's just abusive. My cat, on the otherhand, if left with enough food and water and a litter box, could probably survive 2-3 days on his own without freaking out. I just hate that she expects me to take care of the dog. For the most part, I love that dog and I don't mind taking care of her if I'm already home to do it. But I don't own a dog. It is not my responsibility to take care of it. So now maybe the roommate won't expect that from me so much. And in case you are worried about the dog, she made it the whol 12ish hours without peeing or pooping in her cage, but I suspect she was really hyper when my roommate came home-she definitely seemed fine by the time I made it home.

Sorry about that rant-it just makes me mad when I feel like I'm expected to do something for someone that should be looked at as a favor. But I guess I'm just a big jerk.

Anticipation

So, I had trouble deciding on a color for this post. What color best represents anticipation? I couldn't figure it out, so I just picked some random purple color.

But anyway, back to anticipation. I know that it is usually used in a more positive connotation, but I don't do well with it. Its basically just wasted energy. Nervous energy. Heaven knows I already waste enough energy worrying about things I can't control...lets add a couple more.

My first fatigue test has been running for 42hrs. It was supposed to finish up around 28hrs. Whoops. Apparently there is a lot of variability in this material. The next seven months should be fun.

At least at this point in my life I'm only really dreading two things: making a decision on a school for my PhD and dealing with the guy I've been dating. Wonderful guy. Takes me out, pays for everything, says sweet things to me.

BUT...(you knew there had to be one of those in here somewhere)

I feel like I'm in high school again. The whole time I was in high school I only ever kissed one boy. It was my junior year, and I had been dating the guy for about a month before he tried to kiss me. It was the worst kiss I've ever gotten from a boy. He knew it was my first kiss, and he came at me with tongue and I was like, "whoah, buddy". All I wanted then was a boy to hold my hand and give me sweet little kisses on the lips (with NO TONGUE). I broke up with him two weeks later and he never got more than that one kiss. After that I really wasn't in that much of a hurry to kiss boys. Not if they were going to be like that. Now, I am seven years older than that and I realize that there is more to life than hand-holding and sweet little kisses on the lips with no tongue. Now please don't misunderstand me. Those are VERY IMPORTANT. They are the foundation and the continuity of any good relationship. It is where things should start and you should throw them in every once in awhile just to remember how pure and simple your feelings should be. But now and then I'd like a boy to kiss me with a little tongue. And maybe do some other stuff with me. I dunno. But now that you have background from this little aside-ish explanation...

This guy has been taking me out for around two months. Dates are usually fun-good food, good movies, good conversation, etc. But that's where it ends. He drops me off at home and all I get is a smile. At first the idea of a guy taking things slowly was very appealing to me-most guys are out to get in your pants ASAP. But even if taking things slow is nice, I still want to know that at some point he would like to get in my pants. There's a lot to be said for body language. You meet some people and you can tell by the way they stand near you or the way they touch your shoulder or waist casually when they pass you or are talking to you that they are attracted to you. I'm not getting that vibe from this guy. There is a HUGE disconnect between his words and his body language. The last time we went out (a week ago) he was walking along beside me and told me that my left-handedness was causing problems with him wanting to hold my hand because I always have my purse in my right hand. Well, first of all, what is wrong with holding my left hand? Secondly, that seemed like the cheapest way to basically read my reaction to the idea of holding hands. He might as well have just come out and said, "Hey, can I hold your hand?". And there has been NO attempt at a kiss. I'm going to be barren before he gets up the nerve to pose that idea to me. So now we're going to his company Christmas party tomorrow night. Its apparently a big deal-he's wearing a suit. So yesterday he tells me that he is going to wear a wine-colored shirt with his black suit...in case I want to coordinate. Since we are not going to prom, or in a wedding party, I am not really sure why he gave me this bit of information. Besides the fact that his knowledge of more than the Crayola 8-pack is beginning to make me wonder if he even knows in which game he should be playing. Everyone keeps telling me that I should make a move. At this point, the idea of either of us making a move has lost its luster. But how do you break things off with a guy for "taking things too slowly" without appearing to be a hussy? (I am using the word hussy because this is about equivalent to a 1940's relationship and that sounds like a 40's word for a hoebag.)

I hate how much I think about things.

Finally an Engineer

Today I feel like an engineer. All of the testing I've been waiting to start, finally got off the ground this afternoon. How can you not be excited to finally start the work for which you've been receiving a paycheck for the last 11 months? I am now a cross between a technician and an experimental engineer-basically I'm my own boss (but I ask other people to tell me stuff I don't know).

Sure it means that I'm going to have to start spending more time at work now, but this could be good for me. I won't be able to go home and sit on the couch for hours and hours getting tired and feeling more and more out of shape. Plus my roommate won't be able to expect me to be around to take care of her dog all the time-people shouldn't have pets they aren't able to care for.

That's all I have to say for now.

Have a good day, like me.

Agitated

Today I wish I had never gotten out of bed.

I, am angry today. The last few weeks I've had a lot of trouble getting out of bed on time. Been late to work, felt like a big slug, and I've felt a little guilty not working as much as I'm officially supposed to. But this morning was different. I got out of bed. I hauled ass, and I pulled in to the parking lot at 7:30am. I was so proud of myself. I was proud because I was making an effort, and today was the day I was going to run my first test for my thesis.

So much for that.

I am a contractor for the government. By now I should realize that nothing ever gets done on time. Considering the fact that I am already pushing my graduation back by a semester, I do realize this. But this is my thesis. This isn't just some project that has not real expectations. There isn't some other project I can work on instead. This is the only work I have.

And it keeps getting put off.

This morning my boss delivers the wonderful news that he has been assigned to put out a fire that doesn't exist, and that in the meantime, no new tests are to be run. He's hoping that by tomorrow we'd be able to start, but with Turkey Day being Thursday, I really won't get to start until Monday.

So, yay for that.

Now, anyone who knows about my project would just say, well, isn't your advisor one of the government guys? Why, yes he is. He should be able to throw his weight around. This shouldn't be a problem. Oh, wait. That's right. Today marks the beginning of my advisor's two weeks of leave to care for his wife and baby after her c-section this morning. He told me before he left that although he was taking two weeks off, I couldn't afford to. Ha. He did give me his home contact information incase there were any issues that needed his help. But I have decided that his wife having a baby is a little more important to him right now than my crisis, so I'll let him be, at least until Monday.

Of all the days to have a c-section...

I guess its just not my year.

Smiles

So, its really funny how getting asked out (no matter how badly it is botched) can make you smile for days on end. I think so often we forget that there are people out there who like having us around. Whether its that friend from college who wants you to stop by the poker game with the guys or the guy who spends all morning trying to ask you to go to lunch "some day" or your roommate needing you around, even if its just to fix the vacuum cleaner. If I make one person's day just a little bit better by being a part of it, then its worth getting out of bed.

Stress

I've gotta stop letting things stress me out.

Its funny sometimes how we all scurry about, fretting that we haven't done this or we only have two more hours until we have to do that. We all know that the world won't come to an end if we don't happen to get something done or check on the status of that other thing or show up to that event. But we let ourselves think that it will come to an end, because keeping ourselves psychotic 24/7 makes us feel as though we have a purpose in this life. I mean sure, there are some tasks that I feel I could approach or initiate better than anyone else, but that is probably true on a much smaller scale than I believe (I know I can be full of myself).

If something needs to get done, its gonna get done, whether I do it or not. There are gonna be people in this world that I don't like or I hate talking to, who I'm going to have to see and talk to (even with my poor english skills). Some of them I'll have to deal with on a regular basis at work, in the classroom, in my professional society, and even sometimes in the group of friends which I choose to spend my free time.

I always start to remember this when I get a cold. I usually get a cold shortly after returning from a stressful trip or finishing a stressful week of activities. I take this stuff so seriously all the time that its taking a toll on my body. But how do you just say to yourself, "Calm down, damnit"? It sounds so easy, but it isn't really. I have brief, shining moments where I really let my hair down and go with the flow and I usually look back on those moments and smile. You'd think that would be enough incentive to keep going.

Unfortunately, I always feel as though I'm bouncing around in this chaotic bubble and I see myself grasping at any bit of control I can find to find some relative position in the mess. Maybe I just need to find someone who is standing on solid ground to pull me out of the wreckage.

Prayer

So, I think we all have times in our lives when we stop worrying about ourselves and focus on helping the important people in our lives. Last night I got a call from a woman I love like a sister, and she was crying. She's got it rough right now...has a job that's barely worth the pay, relationship with her parents is pretty much non-existent, and now the guy that she was betting all of her chips on (which, to this day I haven't been able to figure out) is making accusations and breaking her heart. I think she made a not-great situation worse by moving in with him about a month ago, but there was no talking her out of it.

I guess I've got it pretty lucky. Sure, I haven't been dating someone for the entirety of the past four years. But at least I'm not living with some guy who can't make up his mind whether or not he trusts me. I hope that soon she sees that he isn't trying to start a new life with her...he's just allowing her to tag along on his, and that's not fair to her or her family. I know that she wants to make this work, because for some reason she thinks she really loves this guy. But let me tell you, he doesn't really love her. She can defend him and sugar-coat him to her extended family all she wants. Her parents, although they chose the most retarded-ass way of approaching it and don't deserve to have children if they think that's the way you should treat them, know that he's not right for her. Its because her parents were being so unreasonable that she didn't notice she was giving up everything that mattered to her for a guy who did nothing more than give up a little bit of his living space to her.

Never once has he tried to be a part of her life, and I wish she could see that. He's never made an attempt to meet any of her family or friends. He never visited her while she was at college, and even worse told her he didn't want to know about what she was doing at college. How can you love someone and then tell them you don't want to know about a part of their life? The answer is, you can't. If you don't want to know about or don't approve of something in your significant other's life, it isn't going to work between you in the long run.

I wish she could see that. I wish she knew that she deserved so much better than being treated like a child or even worse, a lying whore. You deserve better than that.

I regret ever letting you leave Dayton...life would have been so much better for both of us if you hadn't thought you needed to go back home to that ass.

Liar

So, today I got a lesson in lying.

Have you ever felt like you got rolled by someone, but you still find that you hold the blame...thinking that there's something else you could have done to have a guy treat you differently? Then you find out they lie pathologically. When he describes his perfect kind of girl to hang out with, he describes you, and you think, 'what the hell, that was me'. And that's when the light comes on. OH! Those are the things he says to make awesome girls like me fall for his charms. Duh...so then you think (at least if you're like me) 'which of my guy friends is the best at cruel practical jokes?'

But seriously...over and over I am reminded that its not worth getting upset over. I know I'm a catch, and its just a matter of a guy awesome enough to rock my socks the rest of my life coming along and appreciating what he has-and that WILL happen.

No Sleep

You know, sometimes I wonder why I even try to get sleep at all. If it isn't me freaking out about the next big event its a friend wanting me to go out for the night or a cat growling at another cat (that would be my "niece" growling at my "son"...stupid cats) or even just the sun coming up then its something else.

Maybe when things in my life start to come together a little better I'll get more sleep. I know once I have specimens to test for my thesis I'll feel more productive and maybe finally be able to rest.
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To a certain someone who I talk to just about every night (or every day, depending which way you look at it), I do think it was what we did that has been drumming up some of those crazy feelings I was telling you about. Its probably because you're about the only male that seems to see my faults and love me for who they make me...not tolerate me despite them. I can honestly say I've never felt a need to be fake around you. I think that is what makes a strong bond between two people-tearing down all the walls-seeing someone in every light and still thinking s/he is beautiful. And I'd rather not believe there is only one person in this world with whom each of us can feel like that. If there is just one person for each of us, then they must just be the strongest bond out of many...or maybe I'm just delirious from no sleep.

The Fog

So, this morning I walk out of my house into some of the heaviest fog I've seen in years. You couldn't see objects much more than 50ft away and tail lights much more than 100ft away. Listening to the traffic report, as of 8am there were no wrecks or slowdowns caused by the fog. It rains a little, and people are wrecking all over the place, but fog doesn't slow anyone down. I don't get it.

Yesterday I had several conversations with various guy friends about dating, and why I've got such bad luck with it. This has been an ongoing train of thought pretty much since mid-June for me. I mean, think about it. Here I am, smart, funny, a little adventurous, pretty, and real. I'm not into make-up, and I'm not pushy. I'm a little athletic and I love the outdoors.

All I'd really like to find is someone whose arms I fit perfectly into when curling up on the couch. Someone who when he looks at me, he can't help but smile. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who isn't completely intimidated by me (he can be just a little intimidated by me).

I'm not looking for some fantasy from a storybook. Just someone loving to come home to.

But then I think about the fact that a year from now when I (cross your fingers here) start my PhD somewhere, do I really want to have found someone back home when I could be who-the-heck-knows where? Is it really even fair for me to look right now? After the last one I had I'd say I'm not a huge fan of long-distance relationships.

And therein (I believe) lies the root of my dating problems. Even though I'm looking for someone, subconsciously I don't think I'll let myself find someone. I seem to settle for less than good enough so that hopefully things will get messed up. Or maybe I just have a knack for picking out the pricks in a crowd. Of course, if the ratio is 19pricks to 1decent guy, well, maybe I'm not doing so bad after all.

I'm also pretty bad at falling for people that I could never really have. You know, guys I meet at conferences who live halfway across the country from me, guys who will never settle for life in one city, or with one girl, for too long. Guys who are single in title, but have never really let go of that one great relationship they had.

This is the part where I pull my random comment at the beginning of this passage together with the rest of it. Fog=dating
Rain=all the other stuff in my life-school, extra curriculars, ASME, etc.

I have no trouble driving through the rain, but I find the fog daunting. With rain, sure, it can be noisy and slick and make you a little sleepy. But fog, it can be really scary; there's something so indefinite and unknown about it.

Why is it that almost everyone else sees these two things the other way?

I guess the good news is I made it in to work this morning unscathed...maybe I can take a little cue from that.

Espionage

So, today at work I was used as a decoy for a security exercise. At least that is how I see it. Last week one of the lieutenants in my building came to my desk and asked if I'd be willing to participate in a security exercise...I figured this was one of those situations where you get asked to do something but you pretty much have to say yes. So then it was, what the hell, it will add a little variety to my life. So this morning and this afternoon, I had to try to enter different buildings in my complex without wearing my ID badge and see if
1.) anyone would let me in the building and if yes
2.) how many people I could pass in the hall on the way to my office before being stopped

Can I tell you what a rush it is to be given permission to sneak into a "secure" building. Sitting in my car waiting for someone else to pull up, hiding around the corner of the building, pretending to talk on my cell phone so as not to look suspicious. Then, when I got stopped by an employee on my way in this afternoon (good for you Mr. Do you have an ID badge) (the girl this morning barely noticed I followed her in) being told to make up any excuse so as not to give the exercise away..."oh, shoot, I always forget to put that silly thing on when I come back from lunch".

So if you take that and mix it with my investigative skills (you'd think I created Google I know it so well) I think I could go into some type of detective work or espionage (that is if the engineering thing doesn't pan out or I get bored with it). You'd be amazed at the trail of information we all leave behind on the internet. Sometimes we may think no one can figure out that we own some user name or some passion, but even with the tiniest snippets of information you can "paint" a pretty complete picture of most people. Just try Googling yourself sometime and see what I mean.

The Beginning

So, inspired by my good friend RJM, I thought I'd try starting a blog. I think this will be good for me because I'm the kind of person who keeps most of what I think "locked in the vault" so to speak. I like to be able to express myself when I feel a need to clear my mind, and honestly, it doesn't matter to me if everyone is reading it or no one gives a flying fig what I have to say.

I hate hand-writing my thoughts-I find it too laborious, I get caught up in making my letters look legible and I hate scratching something out to fix it. Being as I am left-handed, I also refuse to write in pencil if I can avoid it so that pretty much rules out a hard copy journal. I don't really believe in "revising" my thoughts once they are down, I just like to make sure they really say what I'm thinking.