Anticipation

So, I had trouble deciding on a color for this post. What color best represents anticipation? I couldn't figure it out, so I just picked some random purple color.

But anyway, back to anticipation. I know that it is usually used in a more positive connotation, but I don't do well with it. Its basically just wasted energy. Nervous energy. Heaven knows I already waste enough energy worrying about things I can't control...lets add a couple more.

My first fatigue test has been running for 42hrs. It was supposed to finish up around 28hrs. Whoops. Apparently there is a lot of variability in this material. The next seven months should be fun.

At least at this point in my life I'm only really dreading two things: making a decision on a school for my PhD and dealing with the guy I've been dating. Wonderful guy. Takes me out, pays for everything, says sweet things to me.

BUT...(you knew there had to be one of those in here somewhere)

I feel like I'm in high school again. The whole time I was in high school I only ever kissed one boy. It was my junior year, and I had been dating the guy for about a month before he tried to kiss me. It was the worst kiss I've ever gotten from a boy. He knew it was my first kiss, and he came at me with tongue and I was like, "whoah, buddy". All I wanted then was a boy to hold my hand and give me sweet little kisses on the lips (with NO TONGUE). I broke up with him two weeks later and he never got more than that one kiss. After that I really wasn't in that much of a hurry to kiss boys. Not if they were going to be like that. Now, I am seven years older than that and I realize that there is more to life than hand-holding and sweet little kisses on the lips with no tongue. Now please don't misunderstand me. Those are VERY IMPORTANT. They are the foundation and the continuity of any good relationship. It is where things should start and you should throw them in every once in awhile just to remember how pure and simple your feelings should be. But now and then I'd like a boy to kiss me with a little tongue. And maybe do some other stuff with me. I dunno. But now that you have background from this little aside-ish explanation...

This guy has been taking me out for around two months. Dates are usually fun-good food, good movies, good conversation, etc. But that's where it ends. He drops me off at home and all I get is a smile. At first the idea of a guy taking things slowly was very appealing to me-most guys are out to get in your pants ASAP. But even if taking things slow is nice, I still want to know that at some point he would like to get in my pants. There's a lot to be said for body language. You meet some people and you can tell by the way they stand near you or the way they touch your shoulder or waist casually when they pass you or are talking to you that they are attracted to you. I'm not getting that vibe from this guy. There is a HUGE disconnect between his words and his body language. The last time we went out (a week ago) he was walking along beside me and told me that my left-handedness was causing problems with him wanting to hold my hand because I always have my purse in my right hand. Well, first of all, what is wrong with holding my left hand? Secondly, that seemed like the cheapest way to basically read my reaction to the idea of holding hands. He might as well have just come out and said, "Hey, can I hold your hand?". And there has been NO attempt at a kiss. I'm going to be barren before he gets up the nerve to pose that idea to me. So now we're going to his company Christmas party tomorrow night. Its apparently a big deal-he's wearing a suit. So yesterday he tells me that he is going to wear a wine-colored shirt with his black suit...in case I want to coordinate. Since we are not going to prom, or in a wedding party, I am not really sure why he gave me this bit of information. Besides the fact that his knowledge of more than the Crayola 8-pack is beginning to make me wonder if he even knows in which game he should be playing. Everyone keeps telling me that I should make a move. At this point, the idea of either of us making a move has lost its luster. But how do you break things off with a guy for "taking things too slowly" without appearing to be a hussy? (I am using the word hussy because this is about equivalent to a 1940's relationship and that sounds like a 40's word for a hoebag.)

I hate how much I think about things.