Always Changing, Never Staying the Same

Life in general is unnerving for me right now.

If you had asked me six months ago what I was going to do with my life, who I wanted to spend my time with, and how I felt about myself, the answer would be vastly different than today, and I fear vastly different than it will be six months from now.

I would like something in my life besides my relatives to still be there more than a year later. Hell, I'd settle for the same address for more than 16months. I think during undergrad the constant upheaval in my life was tolerable because that's what college is, change.

Now that I'm in grad school, I have the desires of someone who has a college degree-to settle down and have some consistency in your life, but am stuck in a world that doesn't allow for that.

(I'm in a weird mood today, so don't mind me if this doesn't make any sense or the focus drifts from one place to the next...)

The other day, I got an IM from someone I know. He was asking me about how I'm doing and telling me he talked to one of my college roommates about where I'm going for my PhD. He told her that he thought I'd end up just staying in Ohio. I asked him why. He gave me some line about people wanting to get out but not making it. I know (hope) he didn't mean to offend me with this statement, but he did. Because all I could think was, "Screw you. I have the conviction to do what I want to do." So I stopped talking to him. Maybe that was rude, but I didn't feel like yelling at him especially since I don't think he meant it to make me feel that way.

I mean, maybe he thought by now I would have found someone I wanted to settle down with and that I would have changed my opinion about the importance of getting the heck out of this place, at least for awhile. But I really don't think I would do that, either. Any guy who really cares about me would realize this is what I need-to go away from here, gain some new perspective, a new degree, and have it be a choice to come home, not a necessity. Don't get me wrong...if there were a faculty position offered to me at my alma mater once I have my doctorate, I think I'd want to take it. I just refuse to get stuck here.

Besides, 90% of the guys I know (and girls for that matter) are so dang fickle that I wouldn't want to change my goals around their indecisiveness.

Because sometimes people just can't figure out how they feel about you...