Daisies

Some days I feel like a daisy, and someone is picking off all my petals, one by one saying, "he loves me, he loves me not".

Well, I'm running out of petals, and if I've counted correctly, the outcome isn't looking favorable...

My mom had a bouquet of daisies for her wedding day.

Always Changing, Never Staying the Same

Life in general is unnerving for me right now.

If you had asked me six months ago what I was going to do with my life, who I wanted to spend my time with, and how I felt about myself, the answer would be vastly different than today, and I fear vastly different than it will be six months from now.

I would like something in my life besides my relatives to still be there more than a year later. Hell, I'd settle for the same address for more than 16months. I think during undergrad the constant upheaval in my life was tolerable because that's what college is, change.

Now that I'm in grad school, I have the desires of someone who has a college degree-to settle down and have some consistency in your life, but am stuck in a world that doesn't allow for that.

(I'm in a weird mood today, so don't mind me if this doesn't make any sense or the focus drifts from one place to the next...)

The other day, I got an IM from someone I know. He was asking me about how I'm doing and telling me he talked to one of my college roommates about where I'm going for my PhD. He told her that he thought I'd end up just staying in Ohio. I asked him why. He gave me some line about people wanting to get out but not making it. I know (hope) he didn't mean to offend me with this statement, but he did. Because all I could think was, "Screw you. I have the conviction to do what I want to do." So I stopped talking to him. Maybe that was rude, but I didn't feel like yelling at him especially since I don't think he meant it to make me feel that way.

I mean, maybe he thought by now I would have found someone I wanted to settle down with and that I would have changed my opinion about the importance of getting the heck out of this place, at least for awhile. But I really don't think I would do that, either. Any guy who really cares about me would realize this is what I need-to go away from here, gain some new perspective, a new degree, and have it be a choice to come home, not a necessity. Don't get me wrong...if there were a faculty position offered to me at my alma mater once I have my doctorate, I think I'd want to take it. I just refuse to get stuck here.

Besides, 90% of the guys I know (and girls for that matter) are so dang fickle that I wouldn't want to change my goals around their indecisiveness.

Because sometimes people just can't figure out how they feel about you...

...

And maybe all we need some days is a phonecall from a guy who thought of you when he heard a song on the radio...

All we need other days is to know that the space between hurts you just as bad as it hurts me...

I Miss Being a Kid

This morning I was thinking about how much I miss being a kid. Life was simple then. All your meals were cooked for you, and only having a quarter to your name made you the richest kid on the block. If you weren't sure what was right and what was wrong, you checked the rules posted on the wall of your classroom. If it wasn't posted there, the teacher would tell you. If you were hurt, Mom and Dad would hug you and kiss you until you stopped crying, and they would be there to clean your wounds and cover them up with a band-aid. And when it was time for that band-aid to come off, they were there to rip it off for you-you could just close your eyes and even though it hit you when you weren't expecting, it was over so much quicker.

But as a "grown up", you have to do your own grocery shopping. And suddenly that lonely quarter in your pocket is quite depressing. There are still laws set by the city, state, and federal gov'ts, but sometimes just having the right lawyer can get you out of trouble when you've done wrong. Other times the law turns its head to wrong-doing if the person is famous or donates to the right party. So now we are introduced to the grey area, where interpretation is 9/10's of the law. Now when you get hurt, there isn't necessarily someone else there to pick up the broken pieces. And if you want that wound to heal, its your responsibility to clean it and cover it with that band-aid. And when its time for that band-aid to come off, you are reponsible for removing it-and you have three choices. You can either 1.) rip it off as fast as possible-it stings but then its gone 2.) peel it off slowly-its amazing how often we can be masochistic in situations like these, or 3.) you can leave it there until time and water wear it off-but then you're reminded of how its there every time the loose flap gets caught on your clothes or moves in an uncomfortable position.

If you can find someone you'd like to live your life with, it all gets easier. Two paychecks are more than one. You have someone else to make decisions with you and back up your morals and positions on right and wrong. You have someone to hug and kiss you when you're hurt, and they may even be able to pull that band-aid off for you when you aren't looking.

I think you're the reason the band-aid is there. I think me asking for this letter was me reaching out to a friend and asking him to rip off the band-aid for me.

"Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letter
Its gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hiding this way"
-Keith Urban

It Goes On And On

Today is my first day back from vacation. At least that is what I'm calling my trip. I don't know if spending most of two of your four days in a car travelling from one place to the next and then spending most of the time you weren't travelling either doing service or getting what little sleep you could a vacation, but whatever.

The trip started at 5:45am on Thursday. Yay for that. We get in the car, drive to Cinci to meet with my uncle and his gf, then get back on the road. Once we're in Kentucky, we stop for Krispy Kreme donuts. I don't mind eating a donut every now and then, but I really don't like eating something like that for breakfast. I should have taken this as a sign of the way I'd be eating the rest of the trip. Because of these two stops early on, I was not able to sleep the way I usually would in the car. So instead of making up for the sleep I missed getting up early, I just was awake. We got to Memphis around 2pm their time (they are an hour behind us) and sat and relaxed at my uncle's house for awhile. Then it was time to go eat with my grandpa, his wife, and another uncle of mine. Papa's favorite place to eat is this little greasy hole-in-the-wall type diner, and that's where we ate dinner (oh, btw, I did get to eat subway for lunch so that was at least a little healthy). I had a big greasy burger and a plate of fries (I opted not to order any collard greens-ick). Then we went back to Papa's house and my dad and I played guitar and mandolin (we switched back and forth between the instruments now that I can play some chords on the mandolin). Then we went back to the uncle's house where we were staying, and tried to get some sleep (my cousin was nice enough to fall asleep on the floor next to where I was sleeping and leave the light and TV on, and start snoring in the middle of the night-the couch was also uncomfortable, so I got very little sleep).

Next morning we got up early, and it was time to start setting up for the Rummage sale. Every year my grandparents (on the other side of the family) help organize a rummage sale through their church's chapter of the St. Vincent De Paul Society. So we go and we're making sure things are organized properly and priced as they come out of boxes. Everyone who helps set up has their pick of items on this day, since the sale is the next morning. This is when I fell in love with a table. Its a kitchen table, total throwback to the 60's/70's, and it and the four chairs that go with it are only $20. So my aunt and my uncle each chipped in $10 and bought it for me as a birthday gift.

Then it was time to go, and my aunt asked me if I wanted to go to her house to visit with my cousin. So I did. Its always a little weird going to her house. Her husband is an infectious diseases doctor and makes a buttload of money. Their house has like, 6 1/2 bathrooms or something crazy like that. Total, they have 13 sinks in the house (one of those being in the wetbar room that they, being the squares they are, will never utilize...its a shame). Anyway, you never feel like you should touch anything or like you should even sit on the furniture when you're there. But I had a good visit with my cousin-she's a senior this year and trying to decide where to go to become an engineer (YAY!). She's put in apps at about 5 different places-heard back about one (she got in) and has to wait until 01 April to find out about the others. After that it was dinner time. (Oh, for lunch this day we had greasy cheese pizza-yay for Lent-I don't know why I keep forgetting about lunch.) So for dinner we go to this place called Jason's Deli. There were 11 of us, and only one of us was not catholic, but we went to eat at a place that only had like, 4 options that didn't have meat besides going to the not-so-impressive salad bar. Anyway, I got this primo pasta stuff that had a tomato basil sauce on it-it was pretty good.

Then we went to Beale St. When I say we, I mean my mom, my aunt, her husband, my uncle and his gf. This was an interesting trip. I kept trying to meet up with a cousin of mine (his parents were with me) but that didn't happen. Anyway, I got to have a drink on St. Patty's Day on Beale St. with my relatives. Not many people I know can say that. By the time we got home and to bed, it was almost 1am. My dad was staying at his friend's house because they were getting up at the buttcrack of dawn to go fishing, so I shared a bed with my mom. It was a water bed. We are both light sleepers. Neither of us slept well.

Next day is the rummage sale. We went about an hour before it ended (11am-ish) found a couple more treasures (I got a white baseball tee with green sleeves for 5 cents-my aunt had brought it to sell and I knew it was brand new, and I got a deck of Jack Daniels playing cards for 5 cents as well), and then it was time to tear things down and box up what didn't sell. At around 1:30pm we were done with cleanup and 5 of us went to IHOP for lunch (see I remembered lunch this time). I thought IHOP was a weird place to eat lunch, but whatever. Ate some chicken fingers and some more greasy fries, and then we went to Mema and Papa's house to hang out. Went to church and then went back to Mema and Papa's. Stayed there kinda late, and then headed back to the uncle's house. On the way I realized I hadn't eaten dinner, and if I go without dinner I'll be sick the whole next day (which is the day we are travelling home, and sick in the car is no fun). So we stop at MickeyD's (ie. more greasy burgers and fries). We get back, and I kinda get a decent night's sleep (if you ignore the fact that the boy cousin came home from dancing at a club at 3am and the girl cousin's alarm was blaring at 5:45am).

We get up, and its time to load the truck. In the cold rain. Trying to keep my table from getting wet. My dad organized the bed of the truck. Ten minutes down the road we had to stop and fix it. That lasted maybe an hour, then we stopped again, did a little more fixing. About 2hrs later, we stopped again, and this time I intervened. I suggested a better way to configure the tie-downs, and the rest of the trip not one thing in the bed of that truck moved a centimeter. The way home I maybe slept 5-6 hours, so that was good. Got back to the 'rents' place around 6:30pm, and stayed for close to an hour unloading the table and chairs and visiting with my kitty.

:::I'd like to add this side note. The guys at work talked me into doing one of those march madness brackets for $5. I know nothing about college basketball. As of the end of the second round, I am tied for first place in points. Booyah!:::

So that's my trip.

Now I just have to wait for a letter to get here, and I'll feel a little more settled, hopefully...

Why I Hate the Internet

I've got a beef with the internet. Yes, I realize that I spend a large portion of my life using the internet. Yes, I realize that my beef is not really with the internet but with the way people misuse it (but its still the bad vehicle).

So here goes my rant of the day. Its bad enough that so many people avoid social interaction at all costs, but now these people can say "I talk to people on the internet". Yes, I talk to people on the internet. But when I can, I prefer in-person social interaction.

When I was growing up, you would hear people talk about how you shouldn't ask someone out over the phone-its better to do it in person. Now people develop whole relationships in chat rooms. At least over the phone you can hear intonations in people's voices. You can't see their expressions but at least you can hear them. The internet is so ambiguous.

Like, for example, this blog. I use it to express my emotions quite often. I try my best to give hints when I want to stress a word or bring attention to a sentence-I change the color, bold, italicize, etc. But its still not really the same as hearing me say it in person.

That's not even the bad part. Me putting my emotions about the day or the weather or the internet don't really need to be that clear. Its when people are trying to convey how they feel about another person that it gets murky. Especially when more than one person could read what someone has said and think it meant for them. Whenever I have something to say where I don't want to directly look at Joe Blow and say, "hey Joe, you ____", I try to make sure that it is undeniable that I am talking to Joe. Too many people don't make that effort.

So, that's my beef. Don't be so frickin' ambiguous when using the internet.

I guess you might have a better appreciation for all this if you knew what it was like to be dumped in an email....

Another Day, Another Sleepless Night

You ever feel like its been years since your last restful, full night of sleep?

Last night my procrastination and Mother Nature teamed up on me to keep me from sleeping. So I was kinda already tired because I'd played a pretty hard soccer game at 3pm (it was really hot in the indoor complex because the weather changed so drastically a couple days ago) and had had trouble falling asleep both of the other weekend nights. So at 6pm I was thinking, "yeah, I'm gonna sleep great tonight" and at 7pm I was ready to turn in. Unfortunately I had put off doing some ASME paperwork (ie. my procrastination) that had to be turned in to my advisor at 11am today, so it was no dice on the going to sleep (besides the fact that as long as my roommate is up and home, I have no chance of falling asleep because she's one of the noisiest people alive). So I eat some dinner and settle down to watch my Sunday night shows with papers spread out all around me on the bed, laptop slightly out of reach on the corner of the bed. So I'm half watching my shows and half talking to people online (some temptations are too hard to resist) and mostly doing my paperwork. I kept getting uncomfortable, and finally I realized (after going down to check) that my roommate had turned the heat down to a point where nothing was going to kick on at all (=stagnant, warm air in my bedroom), so I opened my window for a bit, but that was a little too cold, and would have blown my papers all over. I was worried about my fan doing the same, so I took off my socks and that made me a little less warm. Finished up the paperwork (as far as I could-there were about 10 min of finishing touches to make after asking some questions of my advisor) at 1 or 1:30am, and hit the sack ASAP. I was starting to get a headache and assumed it was from all the paperwork when I was tired and not having eaten all that much during the day. Usually if I have a headache, I can just go to sleep, and when I wake up its gone. At around 2am, I realized this was not your run-of-the-mill headache...it was a sinus headache (Mother Nature). Living in this state is one of the worst things that ever happened to my health and well-being. Anyway, I can't just sleep off a sinus headache. So I get up and check my OTC meds to see what I've got. The only sinus med I have is a non-drowsy formula. I knew that just taking an ibuprofen wouldn't fix me, so I took the non-drowsy. The pain killer kicked in in about 30min and I fell asleep. But only for about 2hrs. Then the non-drowsy took over and I spent the rest of the night waking up every 10-15 minutes to resituate...so THAT was fun. Of course, this happens at the beginning of a week where I plan to work full days (yay for "spring break"...grumble, grumble) and leave for a tiring 4-day drive down and return trip to Memphis where I'm pretty sure I'll be going out with my cousins at least two of the three nights I'm there.

I think I'm ready to go home and get some sleep.

"When he left her behind,it never crossed her mind that
There is no Arizona
No painted desert,no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist,those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona"
-Jamie O'Neal

Regrets

We all have regrets. Anyone who says they have no regrets in life is lying. Granted, some people do a much better job of living life to a fuller extent than others. Lately I've been regretting a lot. I've basically sat back and left my life in the hands of others...people may not realize that because from the outside my accomplishments are pretty impressive. For all that I've done, I can't claim much of it for myself. There's always been someone who believed in me putting in a good word for me or giving me a little shove in the right direction.

I think this is part of why I have been unsuccessful in dating. I've been sitting back waiting for someone else to set something up for me. I don't fight for what I want and I don't tell people how I feel-that's gotta stop. I need to be more "balls to the wall" about life. No one is going to set me up on the perfect blind date, no one is going to introduce me to their great friend that they think would be perfect for me. I've had too much of that kind of luck in my school/business life to get it in my personal life as well.

Now that I'm in the application process for my PhD, I'm starting to realize just how much of my life I should be controlling as far as my future in education/career is concerned. Its encouraging me to think that way about the rest of my life. No more of these ambiguous relationships. No more caring about someone and avoiding telling them. No more being afraid of losing something I may not even have in the first place. No more.

I'm a funny, pretty, successful, easy-going woman...and I'd be a damned fine catch. I know not everyone is going to be the perfect match-and I know that a lot of people who are good people are not going to be a good match for me. But I'll never know if I never try.

If you have done anything for me, its helping me realize I deserve better than this...

Drunk IMing

Whether sending or receiving, 99% of the time, drunk IMs are fun. They are even better than drunk dialing, because if you are smart enough to leave the IMs open, you can laugh at yourself/your friend the next day. Drunk dialing you may leave some crazy voicemail and find out days later that you emulated the entire Mario Brother's background music...no, I'm not kidding.

The reason this is coming up is because I got a drunk IM last night. It was from a guy I've known and been friends with pretty much since the 6th grade (not counting that one 6mo. period). Now I'm not sure if he's like this with any of his other female friends, but every time he gets drunk, he's in love with me. Last night he told me that he "may marry me someday". Even drunken professions of love make a person feel good. Heaven knows he and I would never make it as a couple, but the fact still remains that he knows I'm special. And anytime he wants to get drunk and tell me that, he's more than welcome.

I had to give him a little bit of a hard time, so I pointed out to him that he only ever tells me that he loves me when he's been drinking. He told me that alcohol brings out the truth in people. I can see that.

But anyone who knows about the six months when we weren't friends would be surprised to hear that was the truth...


"I know you ain't a liar
But you don't tell the truth
And you're walkin' on a wire
Wearin' someone else's shoes"
-Miranda Lambert

"Bright lights of a city shining up ahead
My heart's analyzing every word you said
Did you take me for a fool
Or did you really care?"
-Miranda Lambert

Paranoia? Maybe Not

Have you ever seen the movie Conspiracy Theory? Well if you haven't, its a really good movie with Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, and the bald captain from Star Trek. (Sorry I can't remember the bald dude's character's name-I'm not a trekkie...)

Anyway, in this movie, Mel Gibson plays this "crazy" guy who has all these whacked out conspiracies about the gov't and stuff like that. He's got an unhealthy obsession with Julia Roberts' character, and the bald dude is the bad guy.

Getting to the point of this, Mel's character takes his conspiracies very seriously...he writes a newsletter and has this little following-he knows this stuff is true. He doesn't really realize that no one around him takes him seriously, and they are all just laughing behind his back-they think he's a real nut case. Although his life is messed up because of his beliefs (his coffee canister even has a combination on it) its tolerable to him. You gotta know that somewhere in the back of his mind he's hoping he's completely wrong.

Then, he comes to find that he wasn't wrong. Now, you would think that proving one's sanity would be a joyous occasion. But it actually turns out being when his life gets FUBARed. Eventually it all works out and he gets to live happily ever after, but it doesn't change the fact that things go pretty darned hairy for awhile.

As much as I don't want to have to lock my refrigerator, the idea of remembering a combination for every bit of food I eat is more appealing than knowing for sure I have a reason to protect my food from would-be poisoners.

"You talk in riddles, old man."
-Elektra

Invisible

Last night I watched the movie "The Life of David Gale". Good movie. If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest doing so.

There was one scene when actress Laura Linney, playing a terminally ill leukemia patient says,

"You work so hard not to be seen as a sex object. Before long, you're not seen at all".

Talk about striking to the core. That's been my issue for so long. I wanted to be respected-treated as an equal. Now I'm just one of the masses. I've forgotten what it means to flirt. I've forgotten how to notice when a guy likes me. How am I supposed to achieve a relationship when I don't know how to pursue one or how to recognize someone else pursuing one with me? And how do you get that back?

I guess I'm just realizing this because its been a long time since I really dated someone. Every guy over the past 2 1/2 years with whom I've thought something real was going to happen has disappeared. And most times I realize that I've been lead on, and there is really some other girl they care about-I was just there. That's a nasty feeling. Who wants to go through life feeling like a backup or a second choice. I know the rules that guys live by. I know that many of them think its better to go with your second choice for the moment than go alone.

Maybe I'd rather not be seen at all if that is my only choice...