I Think About You

Bryan Adams - I Think About You

I oughta be workin' - but I can't concentrate
I oughta be sleepin' - 'steada stayin' up late
When I oughta be doing all the things I should do
I think about you
I oughta be writin' - but I can't find the song
Just sittin' here driftin' - driftin' along
There's only one thing that I wanna do
And that's think about you

~~~Not moving so quickly on my thesis...I need to finish this POS and move on with my life!~~~

Yuck

After three trips to a mall in three days, I can honestly say I do not care for shopping.

What is Love?

You ever wonder what it is that causes us to fall in love?

From where do these feelings come? Is it simply a biological reaction? My pheromones attract him the same way his pheromones attract me. Is it a physical thing? Something about each of us attracts the other. Is it a mental thing? A spiritual thing? (No, I don't mean religious.) Is it simply what God decided? Now I'm being religious.

Not only do I wonder where these feelings originate, but also I wonder how we know when to be confident about them. Why is it that in certain realms, I can feel the same way about two different people, but one of them can be the right person for me and the other can't? How do you know for sure when to hang up the towel, cash in your chips and leave with your earnings? And how can you trust a feeling like that when it surfaces after only a month or two?

How is it that I can go from 4 months ago thinking that moving away for school will be the best thing that could happen for me to now thinking that moving away for school will be a trying, scary period of life I try to survive without losing one of the most important people in my life. It brings me to tears just thinking about what that might be like. I won't just be working hard on my schoolwork, research, and student teaching. I'll have to be putting in the effort to maintain the best thing that's ever happened to me.

More thoughts later...

"I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile

Oh it sounds good to me
Yes it sounds so good to me"
-Dixie Chicks

On My Way to You

This song has been stuck in my head for three days...

On My Way To You-Jamie O'Neal

I worked a little while in a little town in Colorado
But the winters were just a little bit too long
So I decided California was the place that I'd go
And I was gone
Fell in love, got my heart broke down in San Diego
I was off and driftin' any way the wind was blowin'
That was then, way back when
I didn't have a clue where I was goin'
No, I had no way of knowin' I was

On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you

What if I'd have stayed an extra day or left a week too early
Who's to say my path and yours
Would have had a chance to cross
At the time I couldn't see the line
Connectin' each and every little dot
Keepin' me from getting lost

On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you

I'm glad I didn't chance direction, no
Not one minute or a second

On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you

Running Forward, Taking a Few Steps Back

Well, tomorrow is the 5k. The guy and I have been training for it for 3-4 weeks, and although we aren't really in good shape, we're in good enough shape to run it. Its really nice to have someone who doesn't mind going out and doing something active with me...running, soccer, whatever. What's even better is knowing he still thinks I'm pretty when I'm all sweaty and yuck. Then tomorrow afternoon we get to go to the ritzy shopping center an hour and a half away and waste some money.

Besides that, I'm moving back in with the 'rents by the end of the month. I know its only temporary (~4mos) but it still feels like a step in the wrong direction. I know when I find out about grad school I'll feel a bunch better about it, but its pretty abysmal right now. Of course, a bunch of my hs friends have recently or will soon move back to my hometown as well, so I'll get to spend more time with them. Then again, I'll be further from the guy. It might be a dry run to find out how the long distance thing will work with us. I hope it all goes well.

Short post today...I feel like I'm in a hurry, but that's because new things keep coming up.

The Tide of Life

Life is so odd.

I have been in a state of happiness for the past 73 days for sure. This is a pretty darn long time for me. Its definitely due to the relationship that began, hmm, 73 days ago. Strange how that works. I, the girl who wants too much without really wanting anything, have found more than I could have hoped for. Sure, we're probably still in the "honeymoon" of our dating, where the other can do on wrong (except maybe break your glovebox) and even when they do wrong, you just smile and kiss and everything is better. I'm sure there will be disagreements and moments other than pure bliss, but he's the kind of guy that I wouldn't mind fighting with if it meant we got to make up later. Plus we're building up such great communication skills with each other that I can't see us not eventually smoothing out the edges.

So this is good news for me for sure.

But now that I don't have to worry about me, being the worrier I am, I've been looking around at my friends. I know that not everyone can be happy all the time, and not every relationship works, but I worry about, pray for, and cry for many of my friends. The relationships that seem perfect, are on their way to marriage, and then end suddenly for seemingly no reason. The women who are too afraid to let anyone close enough to ever find love. The ones who are too deeply invested to realize how miserable they are at the end of each day. The ones who are willing to start their life over to be with someone. The ones who no longer have the support of their mother and father to make it through the difficult times in life. The ones that are willing to settle for anything less than the right thing.

I find myself wishing, and sometimes trying, to fix everyone, tell them the best way to deal with situations. But I can't do that. I am very different than most of my friends. While many of our core values are the same, tolerance levels and ability to sacrifice varies greatly from one of us to the next. What is best for me is not best for her or the next girl. Plus, I don't have all the answers. I got lucky.

Besides, I've had my fair share of screw-ups and stupid decisions...maybe some of my friends just aren't yet to a place where they are ready to stumble upon happy.

My advice, to myself and anyone else, is just make sure you're happy. I don't mean that in a selfish way, but in a deserving way. We're good people. If you're unhappy, figure out why. Try to do something about it. If you can't directly solve the problem, find ways to bring greater satisfaction from the other areas of your life.

Don't settle for anything less than livin' the good life...

Big Brother my A$$

Today, my brother made me VERY angry.

So, the 4th of July is sneaking up on us. Its on a Tuesday, so that makes the whole holiday celebration thing a little more tricky, but, whatever. Back at home the fireworks are actually on the 4th, so I make plans with my mom that we'll have family time on Tuesday. Well, I talk to her this morning and she says that my brother is going to be at home on Sunday...can I come home Sunday? Well, she knows that Sundays are not really good for me because of soccer, and especially this Sunday because my game is at 2:30...that means from 1:30 until 4:30 I'm busy. So if we are going to get together on Sunday, I have to dash around and come home all stinky after my game to make it work. I ask her why he can't come home on Tuesday. She says he wouldn't give her a straight answer, just said he'd be home on Sunday.

So I decide to call my brother. He doesn't answer the phone. I don't try leaving a voicemail because he doesn't check it. Then I call his cell phone. No answer. So I email him, explain my Sunday situation and ask why he can't get together on Tuesday. His response is, "I'm going home Sunday. You can go whenever you want to. I thought we were just going to grill some burgers, so it doesn't have to be a big production." I email him back and inform him that he didn't answer my question. He responds again, "I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want." I then respond saying that I apologize if he thinks I'm being nosy, but I thought this was going to be family time and I'm just curious why I'm going to have to rush around on Sunday to make family time work. I also inform him that he's being a bit of a jerk about the whole thing. He emails me back and says, "I am not arranging my life around your soccer games. I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want."

Fuck it. I'm going home Tuesday. Right now, I don't care when I get to see him. You know, you would think knowing that in 6 months I'm going to be moving away, he might actually try to be nice and spend time with the little sister who has worked hard to maintain a relationship through years of jerkishness on his part. I'm done. Maybe he'll be sorry when I'm not there for him anymore, and maybe he won't be. I don't give a flying fig.

I called my mom to tell her about this and that I wouldn't be coming home on Sunday. I know that she's upset about it, but so am I. And maybe if she's upset, she'll tell him that he's being a jerk when she sees him on Sunday. Besides, I'll get to see her and my dad on Tuesday, so that's the important part.

I just want a hug from my bf right now...

Grrrrrroni

Apparently I've spent 6 years in higher education to become a personal dog sitter.

Okay, enough complaining, because besides that, I've been having an amazing time since Thursday. Flew out to San Fran, visited with my uncle, had some business meetings, did a lot of the tourist-y things, flew home on Monday, saw my guy on Tuesday. Whew. Talk about action packed. Took tons of awesome pictures. Of San Fran, not my guy ;). If you wanna see them, make sure to let me know. Sometimes I think that if I didn't mind being poor and hadn't already dedicated 6 years to engineering, I'd like to be a professional photographer. Instead I think I'll just do it for fun on the side. You know, like a mistress.

The guys at work were giving me a hard time today. This is the first time they've seen me get all smiley about a guy, and they're having a good time with it. One of my co-workers started talking about how if things are getting serious, by about November we'll have to have a serious conversation and either call it quits or I may be wearing a ring. I was eating my lunch at the time and almost choked on it. Thank goodness for the new woman who sits in my mini cube farm/office space. She piped in and said "Or you could just keep dating. My husband and I dated for nine months before I started grad school and we didn't get engaged until a year and a half after I finished, after we'd lived in the same town and were sure we still wanted to marry each other." Wow! You're my hero Kathy. Way to pipe in for me. Another level-headed female who plays soccer in the room with me. At least that gives me some hope for the next 7-8 weeks.

A Few Dozen Then a Couple More

Carolyn Dawn Johnson: I Don't Want You To Go

Monday mornin' is such a rush
Here it is again sneakin' up on us
Uh-huh-huh yeah
This is the part you know I don't like
We say goodbye and then we kiss goodnight
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know it's one o'clock
And we said you'd be gone by ten
So much for those eight hours
I swore that I'd get in

I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go

We always say just one more kiss
But it always seems to never end like this
Uh-huh-huh yeah
A few dozen then a couple more
Before we know it it's after four
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know tomorrow my best friend will be my coffee cup
Cause here we go again
Watchin' the sun come up

Yeah, I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No baby, I don't want you to go

This would be the song that is currently stuck in my head...

Long Time No Type

I think my favorite thing about having a journal is that when you need it, you have it. It doesn't have to be written in every day or week, but it can be whenever you feel the desire to put it all down. Its funny, for the first time in a long time I really haven't had much to gripe about. When I feel good, I guess I'm less likely to sit down and "sort out my feelings" in a blog. Today, I feel like writing, but only because I feel I've neglected my journal.

I really don't have any complaints in life. I'm still nervous about grad school-I've decided I'm not ready to start in the fall and am going to wait for January, which means I'm going to apply to more schools and have to wait even longer to know where I'm going. But I'm happy that I'm not going to feel rushed to finish my masters...I know that kind of stress would have taken its toll on me. Now I still have to push, but at a tolerable pace. I'll have to move in with my parents for four months, but saving a little cash will make me feel better when I move.

Since my pledge to clean up my drinking act, I've only had drinks on two occasions-a beer and a half over two hours one afternoon and two homemade sangrias over four hours one evening. Its nice to remember one's whole evening.

Memorial day weekend I went on a date with a guy I've liked for awhile now. Turns out he liked me, too. We also hung out this past weekend- washed the Hoss (my car) then talked for 6 or 7 hours, and we watched movies with some of his buddies the next night. Its all been very comfortable and very exciting all at the same time. I can look him right in the eyes when he's talking to me (which, most of you know I'm not very good in the eye contact dept.), but I still manage to stumble over my words when I try to tell him how much I enjoy his company. There is definitely a palpable spark between us. The ironic part about it all is that less than a month ago I was telling a friend I didn't really want to date anyone, because I didn't want it to be hard to leave for school. My attitude has changed. I think its because I know this guy and I could be pretty good together. We've already covered all the "no-no" topics that they say you're not supposed to talk about in the first few dates: religion, politics, etc., but they've actually gone really well. Plus we play soccer together, and that I really like. Most of the guys I've dated don't like soccer. And he's got the second cutest cat I've ever seen (everyone knows my kitty is the cutest), and being a cat owner I like that he likes cats. Plus Amy's copy of the Cosmo Bedside Astrologer says we should make a pretty hot couple. Woo hoo.

I guess its always when you don't expect it...

Oh, the Libations

In the year 1987, a lot happened. I turned 5, my dad turned 30, my granny passed away, and my dad stopped drinking. I've never gotten a straight answer from the man as to why he chose to stop drinking. When I was in high school, he led me to believe he got drunk once as a teen and never drank again. Yes, I am gullible and believed my dad. As the years passed I found out the year he stopped drinking (which was obviously not while he was a teen) but was the year my granny died. So since then I've always thought it at least partially has something to do with that. In the past year or so the stories of drunken debauchery (well, maybe fiascos is a better word) have begun to be revealed to me. Now it is clearer to me why my brother and I act the way we do when we get trashed. It also explains to me the blacking out I've been experiencing-apparently its a family tradition. At least I've never woken up in a room full of Koreans I don't know (but in his defense he WAS in Korea at the time) or with my head dried in the mud of the flowerbed in my yard while my landlord was hosting a formal tea party mere yards away...

I guess we Cherokees just can't handle our firewater.

The part that scares me is how quickly my drunken debauchery (now is the time for that word to be appropriate) is progressing from bad to downright terrible. I've lost all sense of limitations and control, and the bad part is I can black out while I'm still on my feet drinking, talking, kissing, puking, etc. I don't like having to ask people what I did the night before. I don't like finding huge bruises/knots on my knee and not remembering getting them. I don't like hurting friends' feelings with my contradictory behavior. Plus, now that I am in grad school, its probably not the best time to be killing off droves of brain cells...

So I'm gonna scale it down a few notches. Even though I hear I'm a riot during these periods, I no longer want to be "that guy". I think I'll be doing myself a huge favor by taking this step. The first thing is to stop taking shots. They are the devil. Mixed drinks are all right, as long as they are being enjoyed, not chugged. I'm also going to attempt the 1 drink per hour rule. I think this should get me back on a reasonable path.

And maybe once I'm 30 I'll just give it up for good...

"I'm Not Ready to Make Nice"

This blog is sometimes my salvation.

I'm not the kind of person who has to talk about everything that makes me mad/upset. Sometimes just posting to this blog or sitting and telling my mom I'm upset is enough to make me feel better. I think at times everyone should be allowed to be upset or offended for a bit. And if you can find a healthy way to vent those feelings (ice cream, angry girl music, posting to your blog) and are able to get past them that way, then go for it. If something really bothers me and needs to be dealt with, I deal with it. But most times, I post to this blog and within a day or two those feelings of hurt or anger are barely a memory. And many times I have my ending thought or tagline-its for either summing up my point or giving myself a message. I'm not running around trying to tell everyone else how to be better people.

So, proceed with caution.

If I hurt your feelings with what I've said, I can guarantee it was not my intention. But I refuse to make my blogs "edited for content". Its my heart, its my brain, and these are my feelings and thoughts, and I can proceed with them in any manner I choose. I refuse to tiptoe around in my outpourings. If that bothers you, you don't have to read it. As I said in my very first post to this blog, its for me. I really don't care if anyone else reads it.

The days where I made sure no one was ever offended and smoothed over every problem, whether I owned it or not, are over. There are a lot of things for which I have time and can make time. Making everyone else happy is not one of them. Making sure I don't go crazy is. This isn't a sign of hubris, pretension or self-centeredness, merely honesty and sanity. I can't fix everything, and I can't be the only presenter of compromise or of the olive branch.

I appreciate the people in my life who do reach out, who tell me they are sorry for hurting me when they know they have, or who tell me when I've offended them. I can't apologize for hurting someone if I don't know I've hurt them. And its hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry for their actions.

Enter at your own risk.

SHeDAISY quote

"If I could be thirteen again
To live with no regret
When I could still be president
....
And I could not wait to be
Something at twenty-three"

I'm almost 24...what am I?

Overlooked and Underplayed

If I had to describe my most frequent feeling the past month or two, it would be overlooked. It isn't an enjoyable emotion.

Last week I got a call from a hs friend I hadn't heard from in months. It was her birthday about two months ago, and I called and left a happy birthday message on her phone. I didn't hear back from her until last week. She actually called me using the phone of another friend of ours, who I hadn't heard from since mid February. Then I had wanted to get together with her, and she said she'd call me back, and I got no call. Anyway, I see who is calling and I think, "Yay. I haven't heard from her in awhile." And when I answer its the first friend and I think, "Wow, I get to hear from both of them". After we have the chit-chat and the reason for the call (she bought a house down the street from my 'rents), she tells me to stop acting like I live in Colorado...I should call more often. So I point out the fact that I did call her, two months before that, and hadn't heard back from her. She didn't have my phone number. I think that's interesting considering my cell number hasn't changed in the four years I've had it. So either she never had my number in her phone or she got a new phone and I didn't make the transfer list (boy does that make me feel special). But basically, its my fault that we never spend time together. That hurts my feelings. They are both so busy living their lives that they can't return a phone call, but I'm the one not making the effort.

Then on Sunday I went to a bridal shower of a girl I used to babysit. My mom and I were invited together, so I never took a good look at the invitation. I get to my parents' house an hour or so before, finally look at the address and think, "I know someone who lives on that street, but I can't place it". We get in the car and head to the shower, and as we get closer, I realize that its the street that a guy friend from high school lived on. We ran cross country and track together and both played soccer all the same years. My freshman and sophomore years in college we kept in really good touch-he was a lifesaver the summer after freshman year when I had mono, was living on campus and had no car. I believe it was during our junior year that he met his girl, and shortly after they started dating I stopped hearing from him. I would call every once in awhile, but I didn't see him anymore. I stopped trying to call after I found out he was engaged to be married and not only had a not heard about the engagement, but I hadn't been invited to the wedding. Back to the bridal shower...it turns out that his mom was hosting it, and not only did I see him but I saw his parents (I used to hang out at his house in hs) and his brother and his wife (I'd met her once for about 20min when they first started dating). It was awkward. I mean, here is this friend who used to go out of his way to drive to campus to bring me a movie or take me out putt-putting or for ice cream just to keep me from going insane, and the last two or three years of our life have no connection. It hurts.

Then there are friends and roommates who are so absorbed in their significant others that they don't remember a monthly tradition or can't be bothered to answer a voicemail unless she has news about herself to share. There are also the people who have time to say they want to see you but can't seem to find a day to do just that.

I know that I'm busy and you're busy and we don't always make the time for each other, but if something is important, don't let it slip away. Friendships grow and change and are revived and outlive their purpose and meaning, but it shouldn't be due to an oversight.

"There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more"
-Sugarland

Who Puts Unopened Cans of Soup in the Fridge?

Well, the past three weeks have pretty much been a blur. I say that probably because the lack of sleep is beginning to blur my vision. Its tough sometimes, being so responsible. Because I've been so busy taking care of everyone/everything else, my personal responsibilities have been slacking. Like the fact that I have several not-quite unpacked bags on the floor of my room-from more than one trip. Or the fact that my bedroom could use a good vacuuming (I don't sweep carpet).

And then all this other random crap has been going on, like trying to get my insurance changed over to be from UD instead of through my parents, or getting a flat tire yesterday, or having to go to an old fart breakfast this morning. Plus my roommate always has something dramatic going on, and I have to be the supportive friend-even though she's making all of her own problems and won't listen to advice to improve them.

Plus, I'm really tired of being single. I know, I know-broken record...I keep repeating myself. But I have a serious need for some cuddling. I need to be able to come home from a crappy day like yesterday and say, "can we just curl up on the couch for a few?". I may not look it, but I'm emotionally needy. I guess I'm just pretty decent at hiding it. But anyone who's had me hang all over them or curl up in their lap at a party while I was drunk knows what I'm really like.

It probably doesn't help that a female friend told me over the weekend that I now have the equivalent of an internet boyfriend (how depressingly pathetic) and then my roommate points out that it is just a shining example of how I create long distance/unmaintainable relationships (like she knows anything about a successful union of two people). I will just blame her statement content on the lack of eligible bachelors in the metropolitan area.

I'm having one of those moments of doubt right now. One of those "I should just quit school after my masters, find some guy to settle down with, marry and make babies" moments. It just makes me laugh because I'm probably only a day or two away from having my future PhD school review my application (just waiting for that one last recommendation letter to float in).

Ever wish you could have a sober person by whom you could run any statements you plan to make when drunk? I think I would benefit greatly from this setup. Not that I'm not humorous when I say these things, but its not all that much fun to watch yourself saying stupid things on video the next day.

I apologize for the wandering-my brain is too sleep deprived to stay on any one thought for too long...

Americans should have siestas built in to the work day.

My Random Bit of Crazy for the Day...

So, last weekend I led this 1st year leadership retreat where we got to do high ropes teambuilding type activities. I was climbin' on all types of crazy things with reckless abandon. So of course, my legs are covered in bruises (if you were to ask my college roommates, they'd say I bruise like a piece of fruit). I've got this humongous bruise on the back of one of my thighs, some on my knees and shins, etc. Well, that was Saturday morning. Sunday morning I went and played soccer and some goliath stepped on my big toe in the first 30 seconds of the game. When I checked after the game, he'd stepped so hard with his cleats that the nailpolish in the spot in the middle of my nail where he stepped had cracked off. Now the nailbed is bruised, and it is uncomfortable putting on socks in the morning. I'm afraid the darn thing is gonna fall off.

Anyone ever lose a toenail? How does it feel? How long does it take?

Then Sunday night my roommate's dog got riled up and jumped on an already tweaked ankle-I must have stepped funny during the game-and really hurt it. It hurts to put my shoe on (its right there under the ankle bone). I'm not saying all this stuff to be a whiner or a crybaby, its just like, damn, if I'm not careful I'm just gonna be one big bruise. And now I have to be careful what skirts and dresses I choose to wear to my conference this weekend to hide the bad ones so people don't think I have an abusive boyfriend or something (actually, that would require people thinking I have a boyfriend, so I probably don't have to worry about that).

I think I may need a bubble to live in. Yeah, that would be good...

Daisies

Some days I feel like a daisy, and someone is picking off all my petals, one by one saying, "he loves me, he loves me not".

Well, I'm running out of petals, and if I've counted correctly, the outcome isn't looking favorable...

My mom had a bouquet of daisies for her wedding day.

Always Changing, Never Staying the Same

Life in general is unnerving for me right now.

If you had asked me six months ago what I was going to do with my life, who I wanted to spend my time with, and how I felt about myself, the answer would be vastly different than today, and I fear vastly different than it will be six months from now.

I would like something in my life besides my relatives to still be there more than a year later. Hell, I'd settle for the same address for more than 16months. I think during undergrad the constant upheaval in my life was tolerable because that's what college is, change.

Now that I'm in grad school, I have the desires of someone who has a college degree-to settle down and have some consistency in your life, but am stuck in a world that doesn't allow for that.

(I'm in a weird mood today, so don't mind me if this doesn't make any sense or the focus drifts from one place to the next...)

The other day, I got an IM from someone I know. He was asking me about how I'm doing and telling me he talked to one of my college roommates about where I'm going for my PhD. He told her that he thought I'd end up just staying in Ohio. I asked him why. He gave me some line about people wanting to get out but not making it. I know (hope) he didn't mean to offend me with this statement, but he did. Because all I could think was, "Screw you. I have the conviction to do what I want to do." So I stopped talking to him. Maybe that was rude, but I didn't feel like yelling at him especially since I don't think he meant it to make me feel that way.

I mean, maybe he thought by now I would have found someone I wanted to settle down with and that I would have changed my opinion about the importance of getting the heck out of this place, at least for awhile. But I really don't think I would do that, either. Any guy who really cares about me would realize this is what I need-to go away from here, gain some new perspective, a new degree, and have it be a choice to come home, not a necessity. Don't get me wrong...if there were a faculty position offered to me at my alma mater once I have my doctorate, I think I'd want to take it. I just refuse to get stuck here.

Besides, 90% of the guys I know (and girls for that matter) are so dang fickle that I wouldn't want to change my goals around their indecisiveness.

Because sometimes people just can't figure out how they feel about you...

...

And maybe all we need some days is a phonecall from a guy who thought of you when he heard a song on the radio...

All we need other days is to know that the space between hurts you just as bad as it hurts me...

I Miss Being a Kid

This morning I was thinking about how much I miss being a kid. Life was simple then. All your meals were cooked for you, and only having a quarter to your name made you the richest kid on the block. If you weren't sure what was right and what was wrong, you checked the rules posted on the wall of your classroom. If it wasn't posted there, the teacher would tell you. If you were hurt, Mom and Dad would hug you and kiss you until you stopped crying, and they would be there to clean your wounds and cover them up with a band-aid. And when it was time for that band-aid to come off, they were there to rip it off for you-you could just close your eyes and even though it hit you when you weren't expecting, it was over so much quicker.

But as a "grown up", you have to do your own grocery shopping. And suddenly that lonely quarter in your pocket is quite depressing. There are still laws set by the city, state, and federal gov'ts, but sometimes just having the right lawyer can get you out of trouble when you've done wrong. Other times the law turns its head to wrong-doing if the person is famous or donates to the right party. So now we are introduced to the grey area, where interpretation is 9/10's of the law. Now when you get hurt, there isn't necessarily someone else there to pick up the broken pieces. And if you want that wound to heal, its your responsibility to clean it and cover it with that band-aid. And when its time for that band-aid to come off, you are reponsible for removing it-and you have three choices. You can either 1.) rip it off as fast as possible-it stings but then its gone 2.) peel it off slowly-its amazing how often we can be masochistic in situations like these, or 3.) you can leave it there until time and water wear it off-but then you're reminded of how its there every time the loose flap gets caught on your clothes or moves in an uncomfortable position.

If you can find someone you'd like to live your life with, it all gets easier. Two paychecks are more than one. You have someone else to make decisions with you and back up your morals and positions on right and wrong. You have someone to hug and kiss you when you're hurt, and they may even be able to pull that band-aid off for you when you aren't looking.

I think you're the reason the band-aid is there. I think me asking for this letter was me reaching out to a friend and asking him to rip off the band-aid for me.

"Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letter
Its gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hiding this way"
-Keith Urban

It Goes On And On

Today is my first day back from vacation. At least that is what I'm calling my trip. I don't know if spending most of two of your four days in a car travelling from one place to the next and then spending most of the time you weren't travelling either doing service or getting what little sleep you could a vacation, but whatever.

The trip started at 5:45am on Thursday. Yay for that. We get in the car, drive to Cinci to meet with my uncle and his gf, then get back on the road. Once we're in Kentucky, we stop for Krispy Kreme donuts. I don't mind eating a donut every now and then, but I really don't like eating something like that for breakfast. I should have taken this as a sign of the way I'd be eating the rest of the trip. Because of these two stops early on, I was not able to sleep the way I usually would in the car. So instead of making up for the sleep I missed getting up early, I just was awake. We got to Memphis around 2pm their time (they are an hour behind us) and sat and relaxed at my uncle's house for awhile. Then it was time to go eat with my grandpa, his wife, and another uncle of mine. Papa's favorite place to eat is this little greasy hole-in-the-wall type diner, and that's where we ate dinner (oh, btw, I did get to eat subway for lunch so that was at least a little healthy). I had a big greasy burger and a plate of fries (I opted not to order any collard greens-ick). Then we went back to Papa's house and my dad and I played guitar and mandolin (we switched back and forth between the instruments now that I can play some chords on the mandolin). Then we went back to the uncle's house where we were staying, and tried to get some sleep (my cousin was nice enough to fall asleep on the floor next to where I was sleeping and leave the light and TV on, and start snoring in the middle of the night-the couch was also uncomfortable, so I got very little sleep).

Next morning we got up early, and it was time to start setting up for the Rummage sale. Every year my grandparents (on the other side of the family) help organize a rummage sale through their church's chapter of the St. Vincent De Paul Society. So we go and we're making sure things are organized properly and priced as they come out of boxes. Everyone who helps set up has their pick of items on this day, since the sale is the next morning. This is when I fell in love with a table. Its a kitchen table, total throwback to the 60's/70's, and it and the four chairs that go with it are only $20. So my aunt and my uncle each chipped in $10 and bought it for me as a birthday gift.

Then it was time to go, and my aunt asked me if I wanted to go to her house to visit with my cousin. So I did. Its always a little weird going to her house. Her husband is an infectious diseases doctor and makes a buttload of money. Their house has like, 6 1/2 bathrooms or something crazy like that. Total, they have 13 sinks in the house (one of those being in the wetbar room that they, being the squares they are, will never utilize...its a shame). Anyway, you never feel like you should touch anything or like you should even sit on the furniture when you're there. But I had a good visit with my cousin-she's a senior this year and trying to decide where to go to become an engineer (YAY!). She's put in apps at about 5 different places-heard back about one (she got in) and has to wait until 01 April to find out about the others. After that it was dinner time. (Oh, for lunch this day we had greasy cheese pizza-yay for Lent-I don't know why I keep forgetting about lunch.) So for dinner we go to this place called Jason's Deli. There were 11 of us, and only one of us was not catholic, but we went to eat at a place that only had like, 4 options that didn't have meat besides going to the not-so-impressive salad bar. Anyway, I got this primo pasta stuff that had a tomato basil sauce on it-it was pretty good.

Then we went to Beale St. When I say we, I mean my mom, my aunt, her husband, my uncle and his gf. This was an interesting trip. I kept trying to meet up with a cousin of mine (his parents were with me) but that didn't happen. Anyway, I got to have a drink on St. Patty's Day on Beale St. with my relatives. Not many people I know can say that. By the time we got home and to bed, it was almost 1am. My dad was staying at his friend's house because they were getting up at the buttcrack of dawn to go fishing, so I shared a bed with my mom. It was a water bed. We are both light sleepers. Neither of us slept well.

Next day is the rummage sale. We went about an hour before it ended (11am-ish) found a couple more treasures (I got a white baseball tee with green sleeves for 5 cents-my aunt had brought it to sell and I knew it was brand new, and I got a deck of Jack Daniels playing cards for 5 cents as well), and then it was time to tear things down and box up what didn't sell. At around 1:30pm we were done with cleanup and 5 of us went to IHOP for lunch (see I remembered lunch this time). I thought IHOP was a weird place to eat lunch, but whatever. Ate some chicken fingers and some more greasy fries, and then we went to Mema and Papa's house to hang out. Went to church and then went back to Mema and Papa's. Stayed there kinda late, and then headed back to the uncle's house. On the way I realized I hadn't eaten dinner, and if I go without dinner I'll be sick the whole next day (which is the day we are travelling home, and sick in the car is no fun). So we stop at MickeyD's (ie. more greasy burgers and fries). We get back, and I kinda get a decent night's sleep (if you ignore the fact that the boy cousin came home from dancing at a club at 3am and the girl cousin's alarm was blaring at 5:45am).

We get up, and its time to load the truck. In the cold rain. Trying to keep my table from getting wet. My dad organized the bed of the truck. Ten minutes down the road we had to stop and fix it. That lasted maybe an hour, then we stopped again, did a little more fixing. About 2hrs later, we stopped again, and this time I intervened. I suggested a better way to configure the tie-downs, and the rest of the trip not one thing in the bed of that truck moved a centimeter. The way home I maybe slept 5-6 hours, so that was good. Got back to the 'rents' place around 6:30pm, and stayed for close to an hour unloading the table and chairs and visiting with my kitty.

:::I'd like to add this side note. The guys at work talked me into doing one of those march madness brackets for $5. I know nothing about college basketball. As of the end of the second round, I am tied for first place in points. Booyah!:::

So that's my trip.

Now I just have to wait for a letter to get here, and I'll feel a little more settled, hopefully...

Why I Hate the Internet

I've got a beef with the internet. Yes, I realize that I spend a large portion of my life using the internet. Yes, I realize that my beef is not really with the internet but with the way people misuse it (but its still the bad vehicle).

So here goes my rant of the day. Its bad enough that so many people avoid social interaction at all costs, but now these people can say "I talk to people on the internet". Yes, I talk to people on the internet. But when I can, I prefer in-person social interaction.

When I was growing up, you would hear people talk about how you shouldn't ask someone out over the phone-its better to do it in person. Now people develop whole relationships in chat rooms. At least over the phone you can hear intonations in people's voices. You can't see their expressions but at least you can hear them. The internet is so ambiguous.

Like, for example, this blog. I use it to express my emotions quite often. I try my best to give hints when I want to stress a word or bring attention to a sentence-I change the color, bold, italicize, etc. But its still not really the same as hearing me say it in person.

That's not even the bad part. Me putting my emotions about the day or the weather or the internet don't really need to be that clear. Its when people are trying to convey how they feel about another person that it gets murky. Especially when more than one person could read what someone has said and think it meant for them. Whenever I have something to say where I don't want to directly look at Joe Blow and say, "hey Joe, you ____", I try to make sure that it is undeniable that I am talking to Joe. Too many people don't make that effort.

So, that's my beef. Don't be so frickin' ambiguous when using the internet.

I guess you might have a better appreciation for all this if you knew what it was like to be dumped in an email....

Another Day, Another Sleepless Night

You ever feel like its been years since your last restful, full night of sleep?

Last night my procrastination and Mother Nature teamed up on me to keep me from sleeping. So I was kinda already tired because I'd played a pretty hard soccer game at 3pm (it was really hot in the indoor complex because the weather changed so drastically a couple days ago) and had had trouble falling asleep both of the other weekend nights. So at 6pm I was thinking, "yeah, I'm gonna sleep great tonight" and at 7pm I was ready to turn in. Unfortunately I had put off doing some ASME paperwork (ie. my procrastination) that had to be turned in to my advisor at 11am today, so it was no dice on the going to sleep (besides the fact that as long as my roommate is up and home, I have no chance of falling asleep because she's one of the noisiest people alive). So I eat some dinner and settle down to watch my Sunday night shows with papers spread out all around me on the bed, laptop slightly out of reach on the corner of the bed. So I'm half watching my shows and half talking to people online (some temptations are too hard to resist) and mostly doing my paperwork. I kept getting uncomfortable, and finally I realized (after going down to check) that my roommate had turned the heat down to a point where nothing was going to kick on at all (=stagnant, warm air in my bedroom), so I opened my window for a bit, but that was a little too cold, and would have blown my papers all over. I was worried about my fan doing the same, so I took off my socks and that made me a little less warm. Finished up the paperwork (as far as I could-there were about 10 min of finishing touches to make after asking some questions of my advisor) at 1 or 1:30am, and hit the sack ASAP. I was starting to get a headache and assumed it was from all the paperwork when I was tired and not having eaten all that much during the day. Usually if I have a headache, I can just go to sleep, and when I wake up its gone. At around 2am, I realized this was not your run-of-the-mill headache...it was a sinus headache (Mother Nature). Living in this state is one of the worst things that ever happened to my health and well-being. Anyway, I can't just sleep off a sinus headache. So I get up and check my OTC meds to see what I've got. The only sinus med I have is a non-drowsy formula. I knew that just taking an ibuprofen wouldn't fix me, so I took the non-drowsy. The pain killer kicked in in about 30min and I fell asleep. But only for about 2hrs. Then the non-drowsy took over and I spent the rest of the night waking up every 10-15 minutes to resituate...so THAT was fun. Of course, this happens at the beginning of a week where I plan to work full days (yay for "spring break"...grumble, grumble) and leave for a tiring 4-day drive down and return trip to Memphis where I'm pretty sure I'll be going out with my cousins at least two of the three nights I'm there.

I think I'm ready to go home and get some sleep.

"When he left her behind,it never crossed her mind that
There is no Arizona
No painted desert,no Sedona
If there was a Grand Canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist,those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona"
-Jamie O'Neal

Regrets

We all have regrets. Anyone who says they have no regrets in life is lying. Granted, some people do a much better job of living life to a fuller extent than others. Lately I've been regretting a lot. I've basically sat back and left my life in the hands of others...people may not realize that because from the outside my accomplishments are pretty impressive. For all that I've done, I can't claim much of it for myself. There's always been someone who believed in me putting in a good word for me or giving me a little shove in the right direction.

I think this is part of why I have been unsuccessful in dating. I've been sitting back waiting for someone else to set something up for me. I don't fight for what I want and I don't tell people how I feel-that's gotta stop. I need to be more "balls to the wall" about life. No one is going to set me up on the perfect blind date, no one is going to introduce me to their great friend that they think would be perfect for me. I've had too much of that kind of luck in my school/business life to get it in my personal life as well.

Now that I'm in the application process for my PhD, I'm starting to realize just how much of my life I should be controlling as far as my future in education/career is concerned. Its encouraging me to think that way about the rest of my life. No more of these ambiguous relationships. No more caring about someone and avoiding telling them. No more being afraid of losing something I may not even have in the first place. No more.

I'm a funny, pretty, successful, easy-going woman...and I'd be a damned fine catch. I know not everyone is going to be the perfect match-and I know that a lot of people who are good people are not going to be a good match for me. But I'll never know if I never try.

If you have done anything for me, its helping me realize I deserve better than this...

Drunk IMing

Whether sending or receiving, 99% of the time, drunk IMs are fun. They are even better than drunk dialing, because if you are smart enough to leave the IMs open, you can laugh at yourself/your friend the next day. Drunk dialing you may leave some crazy voicemail and find out days later that you emulated the entire Mario Brother's background music...no, I'm not kidding.

The reason this is coming up is because I got a drunk IM last night. It was from a guy I've known and been friends with pretty much since the 6th grade (not counting that one 6mo. period). Now I'm not sure if he's like this with any of his other female friends, but every time he gets drunk, he's in love with me. Last night he told me that he "may marry me someday". Even drunken professions of love make a person feel good. Heaven knows he and I would never make it as a couple, but the fact still remains that he knows I'm special. And anytime he wants to get drunk and tell me that, he's more than welcome.

I had to give him a little bit of a hard time, so I pointed out to him that he only ever tells me that he loves me when he's been drinking. He told me that alcohol brings out the truth in people. I can see that.

But anyone who knows about the six months when we weren't friends would be surprised to hear that was the truth...


"I know you ain't a liar
But you don't tell the truth
And you're walkin' on a wire
Wearin' someone else's shoes"
-Miranda Lambert

"Bright lights of a city shining up ahead
My heart's analyzing every word you said
Did you take me for a fool
Or did you really care?"
-Miranda Lambert

Paranoia? Maybe Not

Have you ever seen the movie Conspiracy Theory? Well if you haven't, its a really good movie with Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, and the bald captain from Star Trek. (Sorry I can't remember the bald dude's character's name-I'm not a trekkie...)

Anyway, in this movie, Mel Gibson plays this "crazy" guy who has all these whacked out conspiracies about the gov't and stuff like that. He's got an unhealthy obsession with Julia Roberts' character, and the bald dude is the bad guy.

Getting to the point of this, Mel's character takes his conspiracies very seriously...he writes a newsletter and has this little following-he knows this stuff is true. He doesn't really realize that no one around him takes him seriously, and they are all just laughing behind his back-they think he's a real nut case. Although his life is messed up because of his beliefs (his coffee canister even has a combination on it) its tolerable to him. You gotta know that somewhere in the back of his mind he's hoping he's completely wrong.

Then, he comes to find that he wasn't wrong. Now, you would think that proving one's sanity would be a joyous occasion. But it actually turns out being when his life gets FUBARed. Eventually it all works out and he gets to live happily ever after, but it doesn't change the fact that things go pretty darned hairy for awhile.

As much as I don't want to have to lock my refrigerator, the idea of remembering a combination for every bit of food I eat is more appealing than knowing for sure I have a reason to protect my food from would-be poisoners.

"You talk in riddles, old man."
-Elektra

Invisible

Last night I watched the movie "The Life of David Gale". Good movie. If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest doing so.

There was one scene when actress Laura Linney, playing a terminally ill leukemia patient says,

"You work so hard not to be seen as a sex object. Before long, you're not seen at all".

Talk about striking to the core. That's been my issue for so long. I wanted to be respected-treated as an equal. Now I'm just one of the masses. I've forgotten what it means to flirt. I've forgotten how to notice when a guy likes me. How am I supposed to achieve a relationship when I don't know how to pursue one or how to recognize someone else pursuing one with me? And how do you get that back?

I guess I'm just realizing this because its been a long time since I really dated someone. Every guy over the past 2 1/2 years with whom I've thought something real was going to happen has disappeared. And most times I realize that I've been lead on, and there is really some other girl they care about-I was just there. That's a nasty feeling. Who wants to go through life feeling like a backup or a second choice. I know the rules that guys live by. I know that many of them think its better to go with your second choice for the moment than go alone.

Maybe I'd rather not be seen at all if that is my only choice...

When it Rains...

I always used to complain that I couldn't remember my dreams. It seemed the only time I could, I was either very sick (and your dreams are always REALLY messed up when you're sick) or I had gotten to sleep in for like, 14 hrs on a weekend...and that doesn't happen all that often.

Well, the past month or so its almost ridiculous the number of dreams I've remembered...and they are all odd. Even though they all have plots that are quite different, they have common elements. So I started reading in the dream dictionaries online (I think I may have already mentioned this), and these dreams for the most part are reflecting the events in my life:

-my desire to move away from Dayton and start something new
-my undecidedness about certain events in my life
-my being hung up on certain topics
-my inability to control many of these things above

And then there are the "sex" dreams. No, I'm not neccessarily having sex in all of them (but who knows what would have happened if I had slept for five more minutes...) but they are all pretty racy. There have been four of them. There have been three different guys...and its funny. They are all guys that I have some sort of story with. But one is very much so in the past, one in the present, and one is drifting back and forth across the line. So what does that mean? The dream dictionary thinks I need to get some.

I think I'll fail to mention who has had more than one of the dreams...if people can figure out who's who, I don't want anyone getting jealous.

Rainstorm in the Kitchen

I'm pretty darn tired today. And the reason for my sleepiness started at 2:30am...

My roommate comes in my room. I'd kind of heard her up and moving around, but I was still mostly asleep and thought that maybe it was already morning time. She sounds very worked-up and says, "Where is the phone number for emergency maintenence?". Oh no. THIS is going to be a lot of fun. So I'm still half asleep, but I tell her where it is and I lay there as she leaves the room trying to find my bearings. I listen very closely, and it sounds like its raining. But I know its much too cold outside for it to be raining. What is that noise? I get out of bed to investigate, and as I'm walking past her room I notice towels all over the floor, but I don't stop because she is downstairs and that's where I hear the "rain". As I come to the bottom of the stairs and round the corner to the kitchen I see that it is, in fact, raining in our kitchen. Water is pouring out of the light fixtures in the ceiling (by the way, she has turned the lights on while this is happening). So we decide that maybe those lights shouldn't be on. At this point the shut off valve to the toilet has been turned off, so the rain begins to subside. Then we spend the next 30-45 mins sopping water off the floor.

During this sopping time, I learn some facts about the situation...

The roommate got up and used the restroom around 1am, then went back to bed. Around 1:30am, she hears a funny noise and gets up to investigate. I guess I use the term "investigate" loosely because she just went and stood outside her bathroom door to listen to the noise. She didn't turn on the light; she didn't enter the bathroom. Her analysis was that it sounded like there was something in the vent. (NO sh*t, Sherlock, that'd be gallons of water pouring into our ventilation system.) After deciding it was just some weird noise in the vent, she went back to bed. 2:15am rolls around, and now there is a new noise (I guess this is the point when it started raining in the kitchen). She gets back up and goes to stand outside the bathroom and listen again, but this time, she steps into wet carpet. NOW she thinks to turn on the light. Oh crap! Now the water gets shut off, and this is when I enter the picture.

Emergency maintenence is called, and the guy is a complete waste of space. First of all, and I know the average person is too stupid to know to do this, he asks if we've turned off the valve to the toilet. After we say yes, he then asks where all the water has gone. Well, Numbnut, it was raining in our kitchen, so pretty much everywhere. He says that since we've turned off the water and soaked up most of the water on the floor, there's not much he can do right then, so he'll be out first thing in the morning.

8:30am rolls around, and Numbnut shows up at the door. Now, the roommate had decided to put the hose back into the toilet at 2:30am, so when the guy shows up, he looks at it and says, "It looks okay to me". I don't think he even touched it. Then we are asking about having the carpet pulled up outside the bathroom. "Oh, I'm sure if they (the normal maintenence people) suck that up with a wetvac it'll be fine, but I don't do that". MORON.

Hopefully our kitchen ceiling doesn't collapse.

Another Odd Dream

So, I overslept this morning, and in the process had another weird dream.

This time, I was staying at someone else's house. It was a house full of boys, and it seemed like campus housing, but it was right on the beach. It acted like the ocean, but it was only about as wide as a big river, kinda like the Mississippi down near Memphis. Anyway, I'd been in this house before. Apparently I'd known the people who had lived there previously, and had spent a good deal of my nights sleeping there. Now the current residents were the junior MEEs that I know through ASME. One minute I'd be staying in some random downstairs room that was packed to the brim with furniture-they had been stealing and hording during a crisis-and the next minute I was staying in one of their rooms, alone. I get up and go to the beach the next day, and a girl I knew my freshman year that I didn't even know that well was there, and we were letting the waves carry us out into the ocean. I was telling her the best way to do this, even though I've never been more than 20ft out into the water. When we were riding this wave back in, it got really big. So big that it was crashing down on the house, and people were scattering. It was this weird mix between a wave being held back by an imaginary wall and a flood...you could still move around outside without being in water, but the bottom level of the house was flooding.

My main concern during this whole flood/tsunami-ish occurence was that I had laundry in the upstairs of the house and I really needed to get to it, fold it, and take it with me so I would have clothes to wear. Seriously, how boring am I?

"Oh no! I need to save my laundry from the flood!"

So I go back into the house to save my laundry, but I can't find my way around. I keep getting so frustrated because I don't know where I'm going, but I know that I should be familiar with my surroundings. I have been in this house a million times, why can't I find the bathroom where all my clothes are?

I finally found them and began folding. This house is being swallowed up by a flood, and I'm folding my laundry as the water is coming up around my ankles. As soon as I got the clothes all folded, I was able to gather them up, go down the stairs, and leave without getting wet, and escape before the wave really crashed down on everything.

Odd, isn't it?

My Dream

So, last night I was actually asleep long enough to remember my dream.

It was a really odd one, in which my family (not my real family, but in my dream they were) and I were traveling around in a really decked out RV that was as big as a double-wide trailer. (Come on, ask me why I know how big a double-wide is from the inside, you know you want to...) Anyway, we kept traveling, but every time we stopped we were in the same place...it was this weird cross between a school, shopping mall, and restaurant, and every time I went in I was looking for my things...I didn't want to leave anything behind when we left. I found a backpack of mine (from the year before?) that I had abandoned, and I kept losing my bags in the shopping mall. Towards the end it seemed more like a race to get all of my things before we had to shove off.

Then the very end of the dream, I was back home (not my real home, but in my dream it was) and lying in bed. I heard people outside and they were playing volleyball-I realized you were one of them. Next thing I knew you were in my bed, cuddling with me, letting me put my cold feet against your legs to warm them. We were talking, and it was like the last 5 months melted away.

It was complete contentment, It wasn't bliss, it wasn't excitement-it was that warm feeling you get when you go home and your mom has cooked your favorite meal and baked some of your favorite cookies.

I'm not really sure what it means, but it was nice that we were together at the end of the day.

What?

Okay, I don't get it. Did someone stick a sign on my back that says, "I want to be a wife and mom, yesterday!"?

I am not obsessed with getting married and having kids. I'm not. Just because I describe the dating scene in Dayton as being equivalent to the Sahara for a 23-yr old female does not mean I'm obsessed. Its true, I'm a worrier. I sometimes worry that I'm going to be in school for so long that no man in his right mind would marry me and have kids with me...but aren't those normal female psychotic rantings? I also worry that guys are intimidated by me...you know, what with all my book-learnin' and such.

Over the last three months I have had three male friends tell me in not so many words (well, one of them in these exact words) that my biological clock was ticking so loudly it was disturbing his peace. I personally don't understand what is wrong with knowing that I definitely want to have kids, one day in the future. Besides, if I were so concerned about the whole marriage and children thing, then why didn't I stay with the guy who told me he wanted to marry me? And why don't I accept every date offer I get? A desperate woman would be doing the things in the two preceding questions. I'm merely questioning whether I'm going about my life in the proper manner. But as you see when it comes down to the wire I don't stay with someone just to get married and I don't accept every date offer...so see? I can't be obsessed with the idea.

Quizas estoy una poquita preocupada, pero no estoy obsesionada.

I guess if you want me to stop talking about it you should just find me my perfect mate so I can get married... ;)

Blah

This morning I got up an hour earlier than I have been getting up and got my butt in to work so I could get the most tedious and frustrating test of my life started. It was snowy outside, had to clean off my car, doors were frozen shut, hurt my finger trying to get one open, got to work and someone tells me we had an hour delay. Not that I would have used it this morning with all the crud I need to get done, but geesh.

I'm wiped out. Went to bed about an hour earlier than usual, but all of these crazy thoughts kept running through my head and I couldn't fall asleep. So, I am pretty sure I got less sleep than usual and got up earlier. Yay for that. I'm pretty sure that after I drive to campus and go to class, I'm gonna have to come back to the base to get the ball rolling on this test. I also need to go to the grocery store tonight.

All I want is a good night of sleep each night. If I could actually get 6-7 hours, I think I'd be in great shape, but even when I try to get that much, I only end up with 4-5 hours, and that just doesn't cut it. It doesn't help that I'm doing a lot more traveling this month than usual. Three of my four weekends are going to be spent in a car. That doesn't make for the most restful of times for me.

I need to find someone to turn off my brain every night.

Late Night Thoughts

This is new...usually I post from work and I definitely don't post this late at night. But I went to a party on campus this evening, had a beer dumped on my BL hat...grrrr.

I've finally figured something out. I have not been "emotionally available" as of late. Yeah, I may say I'm looking but the fact is I'm hung up on unfinished business. I've never been the kind of person who can read more than one book at a time, and my personal life is the same.

So I'm thinking about closing this book. The plot is comparable to Sarum...if you've read that awful book you know what I mean...yeah things change but in the end you don't feel like things are any different than they were at the beginning of the book. There's a good fight or sexy love scene here and there, but the rest is just landscape. And its predictable. And in the end it would probably have been better to leave it to someone who actually might have appreciated the history behind it. And really, someone just left it sitting out on a counter-that's where you found it...but when it comes down to it the owner eventually wants the book back-the owner may have neglected it but its still her book.

I dunno...if you haven't read Sarum I don't know how much of that analogy actually makes sense.

I just hope the book doesn't want me to keep reading...because once I close that book and walk away, it would take something close to a miracle to get me to pick it back up.