Stupid Boys

I'm not much of one to really let things bother me. Most of the time I take things in stride or I get over them pretty quickly. I am feeling a bit differently since last night.

You know, I'm guessing most people have (or at one time had) someone in their life that is a friend where the line between friendship and something more was blurry. This has happened to me a couple times in the past. I'm still friends with the majority of these individuals because, unless they really meant to hurt me, I can see that line not always being clear. As long as discussions have been had and the true nature of the relationship (just friends) is clear, I don't see a problem with being friends afterward.

Of course, that is until last night when I was talking to one of these "friends" online. I decided I was finished with the internet and needed to go to bed so I said goodnight to him. He said, "Thanks for the pizza". At the time, I had no idea what the heck he was talking about. So I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he just had a random memory. I left it at that and hit the shower. While I was in the shower I was trying to remember what memory he could possibly be talking about. All of the sudden, I remembered it. It was from the weekend where he blurred that line. He was out of the country for a year shortly after that, and we used to talk all the time. He'd send me emails along the lines of "Do you remember.." and, "that was a good memory". This was before I found out we were pursuing this on different levels.

So, now I'm angry. Because something that used to make me think, "oh, that was special" now makes me think, "oh, remember that time when you made me think you liked me when you really didn't? wasn't that fun?" I just think that's a shitty thing to bring up. Sure, I said I still wanted to be friends after what happened, but I didn't sign up to have my nose rubbed in it again. Those memories are what they are. At the time I thought they were important-now I know they aren't. They are just a part of my past, and I'd prefer to leave them there.

Now, this was still irking me this morning as I headed in to work. Once I got there, I was pushed over the edge of anger.

I work in a cube farm with five other guys. Three of those guys have not matured past the age of 12. That's almost acceptable for the two who are still in their 20's. I hope you know what I mean-its like they still think that they need to pull a girl's hair to tell her they like her. I've been hanging out with guys for most of my life, and I know the rules. Practical jokes are supposed to be a sign of acceptance. That would be cool if everyone had pranks pulled on them. Since I have been in this office, any practical joke that has been pulled (not including my retaliations) has been pulled on me.

I walk in to my office, and there was no way to get into my cube without scaling the wall. One of the guys had taken extra panels off of every desk in the office and added them to mine until it was completely walled in. He also used my tools to do it, and left my toolbox open inside my cube with the allen wrench I needed neatly displayed on top, so when I peeked over the 5ft wall I could see it. I was livid. They had messed with all the decorations I had on my cube and gotten into my toolbox to do it. So in an angry fit I stormed out of the room and went down to my old office to cool off. My coworker lent me his allen wrenches and chatted with me to calm me down. When I went back to my office, I disassembled the new wall and left the extra panels in the middle of the floor. I did, however, remove the connecting apparatus (a large rod with fasteners on each end) and hide them in another location in the building. Now they all have their panels back, but can not put them back on the desks. I helped the two people in the office who were innocent bystanders with the reassembly of their desks. I had someone who came in tell me that I shouldn't be the one helping to put those desks back together. Unfortunately, though, that was my only choice.

It doesn't matter how I feel, I have to react a certain way and say I feel a certain way for this to work out okay. I can't be angry about it because then I'm just an uppity b*tch who can't take a joke. That will also cancel my "one of the guys" status. At least I'm only going to be work here for 7 more weeks. Now I also have to figure out a prank to play on the culprit or it will look like I'm pouting, once again becoming an uppity b*tch. Of course, playing a prank in return only asks for yet another prank to be played on me.

Sometimes I feel like I've got a f-in' target tattooed on my forehead.

A Changing World

I have been away from this website for too long. I guess I have always used it as a place to get things off my chest or empty out all the crazy thoughts running through my head. I really haven't had much of anything to be upset about for quite awhile, and now I've got someone to listen to all my crazy thoughts in person (whether he wants to or not! LOL).

I wanted to write this post because six months from now, I will definitely be living away from home and possibly in a different state. It'll be my first real time living on my own. I mean, when I went off to college I was less than 20mi from home. After I moved off campus I lived with a girl I've known since moving to Ohio who is practically a sister to me. Then I moved back in with the 'rents. The places I'm looking to move (for my PhD) all have people that I know living in them, so I wouldn't be completely alone. But my parents and my boyfriend will no longer be a half-hour drive away, and that's a little scary. Knowing that he worries about me leaving makes it all just a little harder to handle. The good news is that I know he will be there for me when I need him, and he will be the constant in my life. Being a Taurus, I'm not really that big on change. So having that one amazing thing in my life that stays the same will make this step so much better.

We had a conversation recently about me leaving for school. Now that I've made a trip to visit a campus, it all has become real. I hate that it has to be looked at as leaving, because I don't feel like that's what I'm doing. Sure, I'll be 250+ miles away for 3-4 years, but when all is said and done, I want to come home to you and everyone else I love. If I don't make this excursion to school, I won't have proven to myself that I can go off and live on my own and get a degree that most wouldn't dream of. I don't really want to be off on my own, but I need to know that I had the choice and that I choose to be here. Sometimes we have dreams that are out of reach. This dream is within arms length. I could never forgive myself for not chasing this dream down and making it my own. I want to be all that I can be when I come home to you. I need to know that I've made something of myself.

As I see it, its not about leaving, its about being able to bring home the new and improved me, and in the end I think that will benefit everyone involved.

P.S. In case you didn't hear, I finished my masters degree in December.

In your arms I can still feel the way you want me when you hold me
I can still hear the words you whispered when you told me
I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain't no way--I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way--and there ain't not how
I'll never see that day....

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face--always

In your heart--I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we're apart, I know how much you miss me
I can feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain't no way--I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't now way--and there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

In your eyes--I can still see the look of the one who really loves me
The one who wouldn't put anything else in the world above me
I can still see love for me in your eyes

-Shania Twain
"Forever and For Always"