I Like to Depress Myself

I guess I really like to depress myself. Because I'm constantly trying to figure out where I should be/where I am in comparison to others, I end up comparing myself to my mom quite a bit.

This is a stupid idea.

The world was a lot different in her day-not going to college wasn't a huge deal, and getting married and having babies right after high school was pretty normal. Of course, my mom waited until she was 19 and had spent a year in college (to become a mechanical engineer, I might add) to drop out and get married.

But, being the nerd I am, I calculated some stuff. Like, today I am 23 yrs, 7 mos, and 15 days old. That day occurred for my mom on August 29, 1981. By that day, my mom was married, had a little boy who was almost two (Sept. 20) and was about a month pregnant with me.

I can't even cook a real meal for myself and my mom was pregnant and taking care of two children (and one of them was 6'2"). She was living in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida, while all of her family was in Memphis, Tennessee.

All of this makes me wonder if I've chosen the wrong path. All I have to show for myself is an undergraduate degree in mechanical engineering and most of the classes toward a master's degree in materials engineering. I can't even decide where to go get my PhD.

Every time I see a baby or a cute little kid, 2 or 3 years old, I get this twinge in my stomach, like a physical, painful desire to have one of my own. This is probably also why I am a little depressed about the whole dating thing-if I can't find a husband, I can't have babies.

Its like I have these two very separate people living inside me-the one who wants to get a PhD and teach...I would love that so much, and the the one who wants to raise a family and be a mom. I just haven't figured out if I can really do both, and at what step I can afford to mix the two people. I've always been of the mindset that I need to wait until I'm finished with school to marry and have kids, because I just don't see myself balancing those activities well. But the older I get the more I begin to doubt that being my best option. I could be as old as 29 when I finish. Do I really want to wait until my 30s for kids? For a husband? That seems so far away. Granted, the last 6 years flew by, but do I really want to "lose" the next 6 years as they fly by, too?