Prayer

So, I think we all have times in our lives when we stop worrying about ourselves and focus on helping the important people in our lives. Last night I got a call from a woman I love like a sister, and she was crying. She's got it rough right now...has a job that's barely worth the pay, relationship with her parents is pretty much non-existent, and now the guy that she was betting all of her chips on (which, to this day I haven't been able to figure out) is making accusations and breaking her heart. I think she made a not-great situation worse by moving in with him about a month ago, but there was no talking her out of it.

I guess I've got it pretty lucky. Sure, I haven't been dating someone for the entirety of the past four years. But at least I'm not living with some guy who can't make up his mind whether or not he trusts me. I hope that soon she sees that he isn't trying to start a new life with her...he's just allowing her to tag along on his, and that's not fair to her or her family. I know that she wants to make this work, because for some reason she thinks she really loves this guy. But let me tell you, he doesn't really love her. She can defend him and sugar-coat him to her extended family all she wants. Her parents, although they chose the most retarded-ass way of approaching it and don't deserve to have children if they think that's the way you should treat them, know that he's not right for her. Its because her parents were being so unreasonable that she didn't notice she was giving up everything that mattered to her for a guy who did nothing more than give up a little bit of his living space to her.

Never once has he tried to be a part of her life, and I wish she could see that. He's never made an attempt to meet any of her family or friends. He never visited her while she was at college, and even worse told her he didn't want to know about what she was doing at college. How can you love someone and then tell them you don't want to know about a part of their life? The answer is, you can't. If you don't want to know about or don't approve of something in your significant other's life, it isn't going to work between you in the long run.

I wish she could see that. I wish she knew that she deserved so much better than being treated like a child or even worse, a lying whore. You deserve better than that.

I regret ever letting you leave Dayton...life would have been so much better for both of us if you hadn't thought you needed to go back home to that ass.

Liar

So, today I got a lesson in lying.

Have you ever felt like you got rolled by someone, but you still find that you hold the blame...thinking that there's something else you could have done to have a guy treat you differently? Then you find out they lie pathologically. When he describes his perfect kind of girl to hang out with, he describes you, and you think, 'what the hell, that was me'. And that's when the light comes on. OH! Those are the things he says to make awesome girls like me fall for his charms. Duh...so then you think (at least if you're like me) 'which of my guy friends is the best at cruel practical jokes?'

But seriously...over and over I am reminded that its not worth getting upset over. I know I'm a catch, and its just a matter of a guy awesome enough to rock my socks the rest of my life coming along and appreciating what he has-and that WILL happen.

No Sleep

You know, sometimes I wonder why I even try to get sleep at all. If it isn't me freaking out about the next big event its a friend wanting me to go out for the night or a cat growling at another cat (that would be my "niece" growling at my "son"...stupid cats) or even just the sun coming up then its something else.

Maybe when things in my life start to come together a little better I'll get more sleep. I know once I have specimens to test for my thesis I'll feel more productive and maybe finally be able to rest.
.............................................

To a certain someone who I talk to just about every night (or every day, depending which way you look at it), I do think it was what we did that has been drumming up some of those crazy feelings I was telling you about. Its probably because you're about the only male that seems to see my faults and love me for who they make me...not tolerate me despite them. I can honestly say I've never felt a need to be fake around you. I think that is what makes a strong bond between two people-tearing down all the walls-seeing someone in every light and still thinking s/he is beautiful. And I'd rather not believe there is only one person in this world with whom each of us can feel like that. If there is just one person for each of us, then they must just be the strongest bond out of many...or maybe I'm just delirious from no sleep.

The Fog

So, this morning I walk out of my house into some of the heaviest fog I've seen in years. You couldn't see objects much more than 50ft away and tail lights much more than 100ft away. Listening to the traffic report, as of 8am there were no wrecks or slowdowns caused by the fog. It rains a little, and people are wrecking all over the place, but fog doesn't slow anyone down. I don't get it.

Yesterday I had several conversations with various guy friends about dating, and why I've got such bad luck with it. This has been an ongoing train of thought pretty much since mid-June for me. I mean, think about it. Here I am, smart, funny, a little adventurous, pretty, and real. I'm not into make-up, and I'm not pushy. I'm a little athletic and I love the outdoors.

All I'd really like to find is someone whose arms I fit perfectly into when curling up on the couch. Someone who when he looks at me, he can't help but smile. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who isn't completely intimidated by me (he can be just a little intimidated by me).

I'm not looking for some fantasy from a storybook. Just someone loving to come home to.

But then I think about the fact that a year from now when I (cross your fingers here) start my PhD somewhere, do I really want to have found someone back home when I could be who-the-heck-knows where? Is it really even fair for me to look right now? After the last one I had I'd say I'm not a huge fan of long-distance relationships.

And therein (I believe) lies the root of my dating problems. Even though I'm looking for someone, subconsciously I don't think I'll let myself find someone. I seem to settle for less than good enough so that hopefully things will get messed up. Or maybe I just have a knack for picking out the pricks in a crowd. Of course, if the ratio is 19pricks to 1decent guy, well, maybe I'm not doing so bad after all.

I'm also pretty bad at falling for people that I could never really have. You know, guys I meet at conferences who live halfway across the country from me, guys who will never settle for life in one city, or with one girl, for too long. Guys who are single in title, but have never really let go of that one great relationship they had.

This is the part where I pull my random comment at the beginning of this passage together with the rest of it. Fog=dating
Rain=all the other stuff in my life-school, extra curriculars, ASME, etc.

I have no trouble driving through the rain, but I find the fog daunting. With rain, sure, it can be noisy and slick and make you a little sleepy. But fog, it can be really scary; there's something so indefinite and unknown about it.

Why is it that almost everyone else sees these two things the other way?

I guess the good news is I made it in to work this morning unscathed...maybe I can take a little cue from that.

Espionage

So, today at work I was used as a decoy for a security exercise. At least that is how I see it. Last week one of the lieutenants in my building came to my desk and asked if I'd be willing to participate in a security exercise...I figured this was one of those situations where you get asked to do something but you pretty much have to say yes. So then it was, what the hell, it will add a little variety to my life. So this morning and this afternoon, I had to try to enter different buildings in my complex without wearing my ID badge and see if
1.) anyone would let me in the building and if yes
2.) how many people I could pass in the hall on the way to my office before being stopped

Can I tell you what a rush it is to be given permission to sneak into a "secure" building. Sitting in my car waiting for someone else to pull up, hiding around the corner of the building, pretending to talk on my cell phone so as not to look suspicious. Then, when I got stopped by an employee on my way in this afternoon (good for you Mr. Do you have an ID badge) (the girl this morning barely noticed I followed her in) being told to make up any excuse so as not to give the exercise away..."oh, shoot, I always forget to put that silly thing on when I come back from lunch".

So if you take that and mix it with my investigative skills (you'd think I created Google I know it so well) I think I could go into some type of detective work or espionage (that is if the engineering thing doesn't pan out or I get bored with it). You'd be amazed at the trail of information we all leave behind on the internet. Sometimes we may think no one can figure out that we own some user name or some passion, but even with the tiniest snippets of information you can "paint" a pretty complete picture of most people. Just try Googling yourself sometime and see what I mean.

The Beginning

So, inspired by my good friend RJM, I thought I'd try starting a blog. I think this will be good for me because I'm the kind of person who keeps most of what I think "locked in the vault" so to speak. I like to be able to express myself when I feel a need to clear my mind, and honestly, it doesn't matter to me if everyone is reading it or no one gives a flying fig what I have to say.

I hate hand-writing my thoughts-I find it too laborious, I get caught up in making my letters look legible and I hate scratching something out to fix it. Being as I am left-handed, I also refuse to write in pencil if I can avoid it so that pretty much rules out a hard copy journal. I don't really believe in "revising" my thoughts once they are down, I just like to make sure they really say what I'm thinking.