Bryan Adams - I Think About You
I oughta be workin' - but I can't concentrate
I oughta be sleepin' - 'steada stayin' up late
When I oughta be doing all the things I should do
I think about you
I oughta be writin' - but I can't find the song
Just sittin' here driftin' - driftin' along
There's only one thing that I wanna do
And that's think about you
~~~Not moving so quickly on my thesis...I need to finish this POS and move on with my life!~~~
25 October 2006
13 September 2006
05 September 2006
What is Love?
You ever wonder what it is that causes us to fall in love?
From where do these feelings come? Is it simply a biological reaction? My pheromones attract him the same way his pheromones attract me. Is it a physical thing? Something about each of us attracts the other. Is it a mental thing? A spiritual thing? (No, I don't mean religious.) Is it simply what God decided? Now I'm being religious.
Not only do I wonder where these feelings originate, but also I wonder how we know when to be confident about them. Why is it that in certain realms, I can feel the same way about two different people, but one of them can be the right person for me and the other can't? How do you know for sure when to hang up the towel, cash in your chips and leave with your earnings? And how can you trust a feeling like that when it surfaces after only a month or two?
How is it that I can go from 4 months ago thinking that moving away for school will be the best thing that could happen for me to now thinking that moving away for school will be a trying, scary period of life I try to survive without losing one of the most important people in my life. It brings me to tears just thinking about what that might be like. I won't just be working hard on my schoolwork, research, and student teaching. I'll have to be putting in the effort to maintain the best thing that's ever happened to me.
More thoughts later...
"I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile
Oh it sounds good to me
Yes it sounds so good to me"
-Dixie Chicks
From where do these feelings come? Is it simply a biological reaction? My pheromones attract him the same way his pheromones attract me. Is it a physical thing? Something about each of us attracts the other. Is it a mental thing? A spiritual thing? (No, I don't mean religious.) Is it simply what God decided? Now I'm being religious.
Not only do I wonder where these feelings originate, but also I wonder how we know when to be confident about them. Why is it that in certain realms, I can feel the same way about two different people, but one of them can be the right person for me and the other can't? How do you know for sure when to hang up the towel, cash in your chips and leave with your earnings? And how can you trust a feeling like that when it surfaces after only a month or two?
How is it that I can go from 4 months ago thinking that moving away for school will be the best thing that could happen for me to now thinking that moving away for school will be a trying, scary period of life I try to survive without losing one of the most important people in my life. It brings me to tears just thinking about what that might be like. I won't just be working hard on my schoolwork, research, and student teaching. I'll have to be putting in the effort to maintain the best thing that's ever happened to me.
More thoughts later...
"I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile
Oh it sounds good to me
Yes it sounds so good to me"
-Dixie Chicks
17 August 2006
On My Way to You
This song has been stuck in my head for three days...
On My Way To You-Jamie O'Neal
I worked a little while in a little town in Colorado
But the winters were just a little bit too long
So I decided California was the place that I'd go
And I was gone
Fell in love, got my heart broke down in San Diego
I was off and driftin' any way the wind was blowin'
That was then, way back when
I didn't have a clue where I was goin'
No, I had no way of knowin' I was
On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you
What if I'd have stayed an extra day or left a week too early
Who's to say my path and yours
Would have had a chance to cross
At the time I couldn't see the line
Connectin' each and every little dot
Keepin' me from getting lost
On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you
I'm glad I didn't chance direction, no
Not one minute or a second
On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you
On My Way To You-Jamie O'Neal
I worked a little while in a little town in Colorado
But the winters were just a little bit too long
So I decided California was the place that I'd go
And I was gone
Fell in love, got my heart broke down in San Diego
I was off and driftin' any way the wind was blowin'
That was then, way back when
I didn't have a clue where I was goin'
No, I had no way of knowin' I was
On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you
What if I'd have stayed an extra day or left a week too early
Who's to say my path and yours
Would have had a chance to cross
At the time I couldn't see the line
Connectin' each and every little dot
Keepin' me from getting lost
On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you
I'm glad I didn't chance direction, no
Not one minute or a second
On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you
11 August 2006
Running Forward, Taking a Few Steps Back
Well, tomorrow is the 5k. The guy and I have been training for it for 3-4 weeks, and although we aren't really in good shape, we're in good enough shape to run it. Its really nice to have someone who doesn't mind going out and doing something active with me...running, soccer, whatever. What's even better is knowing he still thinks I'm pretty when I'm all sweaty and yuck. Then tomorrow afternoon we get to go to the ritzy shopping center an hour and a half away and waste some money.
Besides that, I'm moving back in with the 'rents by the end of the month. I know its only temporary (~4mos) but it still feels like a step in the wrong direction. I know when I find out about grad school I'll feel a bunch better about it, but its pretty abysmal right now. Of course, a bunch of my hs friends have recently or will soon move back to my hometown as well, so I'll get to spend more time with them. Then again, I'll be further from the guy. It might be a dry run to find out how the long distance thing will work with us. I hope it all goes well.
Short post today...I feel like I'm in a hurry, but that's because new things keep coming up.
Besides that, I'm moving back in with the 'rents by the end of the month. I know its only temporary (~4mos) but it still feels like a step in the wrong direction. I know when I find out about grad school I'll feel a bunch better about it, but its pretty abysmal right now. Of course, a bunch of my hs friends have recently or will soon move back to my hometown as well, so I'll get to spend more time with them. Then again, I'll be further from the guy. It might be a dry run to find out how the long distance thing will work with us. I hope it all goes well.
Short post today...I feel like I'm in a hurry, but that's because new things keep coming up.
07 August 2006
The Tide of Life
Life is so odd.
I have been in a state of happiness for the past 73 days for sure. This is a pretty darn long time for me. Its definitely due to the relationship that began, hmm, 73 days ago. Strange how that works. I, the girl who wants too much without really wanting anything, have found more than I could have hoped for. Sure, we're probably still in the "honeymoon" of our dating, where the other can do on wrong (except maybe break your glovebox) and even when they do wrong, you just smile and kiss and everything is better. I'm sure there will be disagreements and moments other than pure bliss, but he's the kind of guy that I wouldn't mind fighting with if it meant we got to make up later. Plus we're building up such great communication skills with each other that I can't see us not eventually smoothing out the edges.
So this is good news for me for sure.
But now that I don't have to worry about me, being the worrier I am, I've been looking around at my friends. I know that not everyone can be happy all the time, and not every relationship works, but I worry about, pray for, and cry for many of my friends. The relationships that seem perfect, are on their way to marriage, and then end suddenly for seemingly no reason. The women who are too afraid to let anyone close enough to ever find love. The ones who are too deeply invested to realize how miserable they are at the end of each day. The ones who are willing to start their life over to be with someone. The ones who no longer have the support of their mother and father to make it through the difficult times in life. The ones that are willing to settle for anything less than the right thing.
I find myself wishing, and sometimes trying, to fix everyone, tell them the best way to deal with situations. But I can't do that. I am very different than most of my friends. While many of our core values are the same, tolerance levels and ability to sacrifice varies greatly from one of us to the next. What is best for me is not best for her or the next girl. Plus, I don't have all the answers. I got lucky.
Besides, I've had my fair share of screw-ups and stupid decisions...maybe some of my friends just aren't yet to a place where they are ready to stumble upon happy.
My advice, to myself and anyone else, is just make sure you're happy. I don't mean that in a selfish way, but in a deserving way. We're good people. If you're unhappy, figure out why. Try to do something about it. If you can't directly solve the problem, find ways to bring greater satisfaction from the other areas of your life.
Don't settle for anything less than livin' the good life...
I have been in a state of happiness for the past 73 days for sure. This is a pretty darn long time for me. Its definitely due to the relationship that began, hmm, 73 days ago. Strange how that works. I, the girl who wants too much without really wanting anything, have found more than I could have hoped for. Sure, we're probably still in the "honeymoon" of our dating, where the other can do on wrong (except maybe break your glovebox) and even when they do wrong, you just smile and kiss and everything is better. I'm sure there will be disagreements and moments other than pure bliss, but he's the kind of guy that I wouldn't mind fighting with if it meant we got to make up later. Plus we're building up such great communication skills with each other that I can't see us not eventually smoothing out the edges.
So this is good news for me for sure.
But now that I don't have to worry about me, being the worrier I am, I've been looking around at my friends. I know that not everyone can be happy all the time, and not every relationship works, but I worry about, pray for, and cry for many of my friends. The relationships that seem perfect, are on their way to marriage, and then end suddenly for seemingly no reason. The women who are too afraid to let anyone close enough to ever find love. The ones who are too deeply invested to realize how miserable they are at the end of each day. The ones who are willing to start their life over to be with someone. The ones who no longer have the support of their mother and father to make it through the difficult times in life. The ones that are willing to settle for anything less than the right thing.
I find myself wishing, and sometimes trying, to fix everyone, tell them the best way to deal with situations. But I can't do that. I am very different than most of my friends. While many of our core values are the same, tolerance levels and ability to sacrifice varies greatly from one of us to the next. What is best for me is not best for her or the next girl. Plus, I don't have all the answers. I got lucky.
Besides, I've had my fair share of screw-ups and stupid decisions...maybe some of my friends just aren't yet to a place where they are ready to stumble upon happy.
My advice, to myself and anyone else, is just make sure you're happy. I don't mean that in a selfish way, but in a deserving way. We're good people. If you're unhappy, figure out why. Try to do something about it. If you can't directly solve the problem, find ways to bring greater satisfaction from the other areas of your life.
Don't settle for anything less than livin' the good life...
30 June 2006
Big Brother my A$$
Today, my brother made me VERY angry.
So, the 4th of July is sneaking up on us. Its on a Tuesday, so that makes the whole holiday celebration thing a little more tricky, but, whatever. Back at home the fireworks are actually on the 4th, so I make plans with my mom that we'll have family time on Tuesday. Well, I talk to her this morning and she says that my brother is going to be at home on Sunday...can I come home Sunday? Well, she knows that Sundays are not really good for me because of soccer, and especially this Sunday because my game is at 2:30...that means from 1:30 until 4:30 I'm busy. So if we are going to get together on Sunday, I have to dash around and come home all stinky after my game to make it work. I ask her why he can't come home on Tuesday. She says he wouldn't give her a straight answer, just said he'd be home on Sunday.
So I decide to call my brother. He doesn't answer the phone. I don't try leaving a voicemail because he doesn't check it. Then I call his cell phone. No answer. So I email him, explain my Sunday situation and ask why he can't get together on Tuesday. His response is, "I'm going home Sunday. You can go whenever you want to. I thought we were just going to grill some burgers, so it doesn't have to be a big production." I email him back and inform him that he didn't answer my question. He responds again, "I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want." I then respond saying that I apologize if he thinks I'm being nosy, but I thought this was going to be family time and I'm just curious why I'm going to have to rush around on Sunday to make family time work. I also inform him that he's being a bit of a jerk about the whole thing. He emails me back and says, "I am not arranging my life around your soccer games. I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want."
Fuck it. I'm going home Tuesday. Right now, I don't care when I get to see him. You know, you would think knowing that in 6 months I'm going to be moving away, he might actually try to be nice and spend time with the little sister who has worked hard to maintain a relationship through years of jerkishness on his part. I'm done. Maybe he'll be sorry when I'm not there for him anymore, and maybe he won't be. I don't give a flying fig.
I called my mom to tell her about this and that I wouldn't be coming home on Sunday. I know that she's upset about it, but so am I. And maybe if she's upset, she'll tell him that he's being a jerk when she sees him on Sunday. Besides, I'll get to see her and my dad on Tuesday, so that's the important part.
I just want a hug from my bf right now...
So, the 4th of July is sneaking up on us. Its on a Tuesday, so that makes the whole holiday celebration thing a little more tricky, but, whatever. Back at home the fireworks are actually on the 4th, so I make plans with my mom that we'll have family time on Tuesday. Well, I talk to her this morning and she says that my brother is going to be at home on Sunday...can I come home Sunday? Well, she knows that Sundays are not really good for me because of soccer, and especially this Sunday because my game is at 2:30...that means from 1:30 until 4:30 I'm busy. So if we are going to get together on Sunday, I have to dash around and come home all stinky after my game to make it work. I ask her why he can't come home on Tuesday. She says he wouldn't give her a straight answer, just said he'd be home on Sunday.
So I decide to call my brother. He doesn't answer the phone. I don't try leaving a voicemail because he doesn't check it. Then I call his cell phone. No answer. So I email him, explain my Sunday situation and ask why he can't get together on Tuesday. His response is, "I'm going home Sunday. You can go whenever you want to. I thought we were just going to grill some burgers, so it doesn't have to be a big production." I email him back and inform him that he didn't answer my question. He responds again, "I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want." I then respond saying that I apologize if he thinks I'm being nosy, but I thought this was going to be family time and I'm just curious why I'm going to have to rush around on Sunday to make family time work. I also inform him that he's being a bit of a jerk about the whole thing. He emails me back and says, "I am not arranging my life around your soccer games. I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want."
Fuck it. I'm going home Tuesday. Right now, I don't care when I get to see him. You know, you would think knowing that in 6 months I'm going to be moving away, he might actually try to be nice and spend time with the little sister who has worked hard to maintain a relationship through years of jerkishness on his part. I'm done. Maybe he'll be sorry when I'm not there for him anymore, and maybe he won't be. I don't give a flying fig.
I called my mom to tell her about this and that I wouldn't be coming home on Sunday. I know that she's upset about it, but so am I. And maybe if she's upset, she'll tell him that he's being a jerk when she sees him on Sunday. Besides, I'll get to see her and my dad on Tuesday, so that's the important part.
I just want a hug from my bf right now...
21 June 2006
Grrrrrroni
Apparently I've spent 6 years in higher education to become a personal dog sitter.
Okay, enough complaining, because besides that, I've been having an amazing time since Thursday. Flew out to San Fran, visited with my uncle, had some business meetings, did a lot of the tourist-y things, flew home on Monday, saw my guy on Tuesday. Whew. Talk about action packed. Took tons of awesome pictures. Of San Fran, not my guy ;). If you wanna see them, make sure to let me know. Sometimes I think that if I didn't mind being poor and hadn't already dedicated 6 years to engineering, I'd like to be a professional photographer. Instead I think I'll just do it for fun on the side. You know, like a mistress.
The guys at work were giving me a hard time today. This is the first time they've seen me get all smiley about a guy, and they're having a good time with it. One of my co-workers started talking about how if things are getting serious, by about November we'll have to have a serious conversation and either call it quits or I may be wearing a ring. I was eating my lunch at the time and almost choked on it. Thank goodness for the new woman who sits in my mini cube farm/office space. She piped in and said "Or you could just keep dating. My husband and I dated for nine months before I started grad school and we didn't get engaged until a year and a half after I finished, after we'd lived in the same town and were sure we still wanted to marry each other." Wow! You're my hero Kathy. Way to pipe in for me. Another level-headed female who plays soccer in the room with me. At least that gives me some hope for the next 7-8 weeks.
Okay, enough complaining, because besides that, I've been having an amazing time since Thursday. Flew out to San Fran, visited with my uncle, had some business meetings, did a lot of the tourist-y things, flew home on Monday, saw my guy on Tuesday. Whew. Talk about action packed. Took tons of awesome pictures. Of San Fran, not my guy ;). If you wanna see them, make sure to let me know. Sometimes I think that if I didn't mind being poor and hadn't already dedicated 6 years to engineering, I'd like to be a professional photographer. Instead I think I'll just do it for fun on the side. You know, like a mistress.
The guys at work were giving me a hard time today. This is the first time they've seen me get all smiley about a guy, and they're having a good time with it. One of my co-workers started talking about how if things are getting serious, by about November we'll have to have a serious conversation and either call it quits or I may be wearing a ring. I was eating my lunch at the time and almost choked on it. Thank goodness for the new woman who sits in my mini cube farm/office space. She piped in and said "Or you could just keep dating. My husband and I dated for nine months before I started grad school and we didn't get engaged until a year and a half after I finished, after we'd lived in the same town and were sure we still wanted to marry each other." Wow! You're my hero Kathy. Way to pipe in for me. Another level-headed female who plays soccer in the room with me. At least that gives me some hope for the next 7-8 weeks.
A Few Dozen Then a Couple More
Carolyn Dawn Johnson: I Don't Want You To Go
Monday mornin' is such a rush
Here it is again sneakin' up on us
Uh-huh-huh yeah
This is the part you know I don't like
We say goodbye and then we kiss goodnight
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know it's one o'clock
And we said you'd be gone by ten
So much for those eight hours
I swore that I'd get in
I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
We always say just one more kiss
But it always seems to never end like this
Uh-huh-huh yeah
A few dozen then a couple more
Before we know it it's after four
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know tomorrow my best friend will be my coffee cup
Cause here we go again
Watchin' the sun come up
Yeah, I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No baby, I don't want you to go
This would be the song that is currently stuck in my head...
Monday mornin' is such a rush
Here it is again sneakin' up on us
Uh-huh-huh yeah
This is the part you know I don't like
We say goodbye and then we kiss goodnight
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know it's one o'clock
And we said you'd be gone by ten
So much for those eight hours
I swore that I'd get in
I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
We always say just one more kiss
But it always seems to never end like this
Uh-huh-huh yeah
A few dozen then a couple more
Before we know it it's after four
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know tomorrow my best friend will be my coffee cup
Cause here we go again
Watchin' the sun come up
Yeah, I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No baby, I don't want you to go
This would be the song that is currently stuck in my head...
06 June 2006
Long Time No Type
I think my favorite thing about having a journal is that when you need it, you have it. It doesn't have to be written in every day or week, but it can be whenever you feel the desire to put it all down. Its funny, for the first time in a long time I really haven't had much to gripe about. When I feel good, I guess I'm less likely to sit down and "sort out my feelings" in a blog. Today, I feel like writing, but only because I feel I've neglected my journal.
I really don't have any complaints in life. I'm still nervous about grad school-I've decided I'm not ready to start in the fall and am going to wait for January, which means I'm going to apply to more schools and have to wait even longer to know where I'm going. But I'm happy that I'm not going to feel rushed to finish my masters...I know that kind of stress would have taken its toll on me. Now I still have to push, but at a tolerable pace. I'll have to move in with my parents for four months, but saving a little cash will make me feel better when I move.
Since my pledge to clean up my drinking act, I've only had drinks on two occasions-a beer and a half over two hours one afternoon and two homemade sangrias over four hours one evening. Its nice to remember one's whole evening.
Memorial day weekend I went on a date with a guy I've liked for awhile now. Turns out he liked me, too. We also hung out this past weekend- washed the Hoss (my car) then talked for 6 or 7 hours, and we watched movies with some of his buddies the next night. Its all been very comfortable and very exciting all at the same time. I can look him right in the eyes when he's talking to me (which, most of you know I'm not very good in the eye contact dept.), but I still manage to stumble over my words when I try to tell him how much I enjoy his company. There is definitely a palpable spark between us. The ironic part about it all is that less than a month ago I was telling a friend I didn't really want to date anyone, because I didn't want it to be hard to leave for school. My attitude has changed. I think its because I know this guy and I could be pretty good together. We've already covered all the "no-no" topics that they say you're not supposed to talk about in the first few dates: religion, politics, etc., but they've actually gone really well. Plus we play soccer together, and that I really like. Most of the guys I've dated don't like soccer. And he's got the second cutest cat I've ever seen (everyone knows my kitty is the cutest), and being a cat owner I like that he likes cats. Plus Amy's copy of the Cosmo Bedside Astrologer says we should make a pretty hot couple. Woo hoo.
I guess its always when you don't expect it...
I really don't have any complaints in life. I'm still nervous about grad school-I've decided I'm not ready to start in the fall and am going to wait for January, which means I'm going to apply to more schools and have to wait even longer to know where I'm going. But I'm happy that I'm not going to feel rushed to finish my masters...I know that kind of stress would have taken its toll on me. Now I still have to push, but at a tolerable pace. I'll have to move in with my parents for four months, but saving a little cash will make me feel better when I move.
Since my pledge to clean up my drinking act, I've only had drinks on two occasions-a beer and a half over two hours one afternoon and two homemade sangrias over four hours one evening. Its nice to remember one's whole evening.
Memorial day weekend I went on a date with a guy I've liked for awhile now. Turns out he liked me, too. We also hung out this past weekend- washed the Hoss (my car) then talked for 6 or 7 hours, and we watched movies with some of his buddies the next night. Its all been very comfortable and very exciting all at the same time. I can look him right in the eyes when he's talking to me (which, most of you know I'm not very good in the eye contact dept.), but I still manage to stumble over my words when I try to tell him how much I enjoy his company. There is definitely a palpable spark between us. The ironic part about it all is that less than a month ago I was telling a friend I didn't really want to date anyone, because I didn't want it to be hard to leave for school. My attitude has changed. I think its because I know this guy and I could be pretty good together. We've already covered all the "no-no" topics that they say you're not supposed to talk about in the first few dates: religion, politics, etc., but they've actually gone really well. Plus we play soccer together, and that I really like. Most of the guys I've dated don't like soccer. And he's got the second cutest cat I've ever seen (everyone knows my kitty is the cutest), and being a cat owner I like that he likes cats. Plus Amy's copy of the Cosmo Bedside Astrologer says we should make a pretty hot couple. Woo hoo.
I guess its always when you don't expect it...
17 May 2006
Oh, the Libations
In the year 1987, a lot happened. I turned 5, my dad turned 30, my granny passed away, and my dad stopped drinking. I've never gotten a straight answer from the man as to why he chose to stop drinking. When I was in high school, he led me to believe he got drunk once as a teen and never drank again. Yes, I am gullible and believed my dad. As the years passed I found out the year he stopped drinking (which was obviously not while he was a teen) but was the year my granny died. So since then I've always thought it at least partially has something to do with that. In the past year or so the stories of drunken debauchery (well, maybe fiascos is a better word) have begun to be revealed to me. Now it is clearer to me why my brother and I act the way we do when we get trashed. It also explains to me the blacking out I've been experiencing-apparently its a family tradition. At least I've never woken up in a room full of Koreans I don't know (but in his defense he WAS in Korea at the time) or with my head dried in the mud of the flowerbed in my yard while my landlord was hosting a formal tea party mere yards away...
I guess we Cherokees just can't handle our firewater.
The part that scares me is how quickly my drunken debauchery (now is the time for that word to be appropriate) is progressing from bad to downright terrible. I've lost all sense of limitations and control, and the bad part is I can black out while I'm still on my feet drinking, talking, kissing, puking, etc. I don't like having to ask people what I did the night before. I don't like finding huge bruises/knots on my knee and not remembering getting them. I don't like hurting friends' feelings with my contradictory behavior. Plus, now that I am in grad school, its probably not the best time to be killing off droves of brain cells...
I guess we Cherokees just can't handle our firewater.
The part that scares me is how quickly my drunken debauchery (now is the time for that word to be appropriate) is progressing from bad to downright terrible. I've lost all sense of limitations and control, and the bad part is I can black out while I'm still on my feet drinking, talking, kissing, puking, etc. I don't like having to ask people what I did the night before. I don't like finding huge bruises/knots on my knee and not remembering getting them. I don't like hurting friends' feelings with my contradictory behavior. Plus, now that I am in grad school, its probably not the best time to be killing off droves of brain cells...
So I'm gonna scale it down a few notches. Even though I hear I'm a riot during these periods, I no longer want to be "that guy". I think I'll be doing myself a huge favor by taking this step. The first thing is to stop taking shots. They are the devil. Mixed drinks are all right, as long as they are being enjoyed, not chugged. I'm also going to attempt the 1 drink per hour rule. I think this should get me back on a reasonable path.
And maybe once I'm 30 I'll just give it up for good...
09 May 2006
"I'm Not Ready to Make Nice"
This blog is sometimes my salvation.
I'm not the kind of person who has to talk about everything that makes me mad/upset. Sometimes just posting to this blog or sitting and telling my mom I'm upset is enough to make me feel better. I think at times everyone should be allowed to be upset or offended for a bit. And if you can find a healthy way to vent those feelings (ice cream, angry girl music, posting to your blog) and are able to get past them that way, then go for it. If something really bothers me and needs to be dealt with, I deal with it. But most times, I post to this blog and within a day or two those feelings of hurt or anger are barely a memory. And many times I have my ending thought or tagline-its for either summing up my point or giving myself a message. I'm not running around trying to tell everyone else how to be better people.
So, proceed with caution.
If I hurt your feelings with what I've said, I can guarantee it was not my intention. But I refuse to make my blogs "edited for content". Its my heart, its my brain, and these are my feelings and thoughts, and I can proceed with them in any manner I choose. I refuse to tiptoe around in my outpourings. If that bothers you, you don't have to read it. As I said in my very first post to this blog, its for me. I really don't care if anyone else reads it.
The days where I made sure no one was ever offended and smoothed over every problem, whether I owned it or not, are over. There are a lot of things for which I have time and can make time. Making everyone else happy is not one of them. Making sure I don't go crazy is. This isn't a sign of hubris, pretension or self-centeredness, merely honesty and sanity. I can't fix everything, and I can't be the only presenter of compromise or of the olive branch.
I appreciate the people in my life who do reach out, who tell me they are sorry for hurting me when they know they have, or who tell me when I've offended them. I can't apologize for hurting someone if I don't know I've hurt them. And its hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry for their actions.
Enter at your own risk.
I'm not the kind of person who has to talk about everything that makes me mad/upset. Sometimes just posting to this blog or sitting and telling my mom I'm upset is enough to make me feel better. I think at times everyone should be allowed to be upset or offended for a bit. And if you can find a healthy way to vent those feelings (ice cream, angry girl music, posting to your blog) and are able to get past them that way, then go for it. If something really bothers me and needs to be dealt with, I deal with it. But most times, I post to this blog and within a day or two those feelings of hurt or anger are barely a memory. And many times I have my ending thought or tagline-its for either summing up my point or giving myself a message. I'm not running around trying to tell everyone else how to be better people.
So, proceed with caution.
If I hurt your feelings with what I've said, I can guarantee it was not my intention. But I refuse to make my blogs "edited for content". Its my heart, its my brain, and these are my feelings and thoughts, and I can proceed with them in any manner I choose. I refuse to tiptoe around in my outpourings. If that bothers you, you don't have to read it. As I said in my very first post to this blog, its for me. I really don't care if anyone else reads it.
The days where I made sure no one was ever offended and smoothed over every problem, whether I owned it or not, are over. There are a lot of things for which I have time and can make time. Making everyone else happy is not one of them. Making sure I don't go crazy is. This isn't a sign of hubris, pretension or self-centeredness, merely honesty and sanity. I can't fix everything, and I can't be the only presenter of compromise or of the olive branch.
I appreciate the people in my life who do reach out, who tell me they are sorry for hurting me when they know they have, or who tell me when I've offended them. I can't apologize for hurting someone if I don't know I've hurt them. And its hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry for their actions.
Enter at your own risk.
03 May 2006
SHeDAISY quote
"If I could be thirteen again
To live with no regret
When I could still be president
....
And I could not wait to be
Something at twenty-three"
I'm almost 24...what am I?
To live with no regret
When I could still be president
....
And I could not wait to be
Something at twenty-three"
I'm almost 24...what am I?
02 May 2006
Overlooked and Underplayed
If I had to describe my most frequent feeling the past month or two, it would be overlooked. It isn't an enjoyable emotion.
Last week I got a call from a hs friend I hadn't heard from in months. It was her birthday about two months ago, and I called and left a happy birthday message on her phone. I didn't hear back from her until last week. She actually called me using the phone of another friend of ours, who I hadn't heard from since mid February. Then I had wanted to get together with her, and she said she'd call me back, and I got no call. Anyway, I see who is calling and I think, "Yay. I haven't heard from her in awhile." And when I answer its the first friend and I think, "Wow, I get to hear from both of them". After we have the chit-chat and the reason for the call (she bought a house down the street from my 'rents), she tells me to stop acting like I live in Colorado...I should call more often. So I point out the fact that I did call her, two months before that, and hadn't heard back from her. She didn't have my phone number. I think that's interesting considering my cell number hasn't changed in the four years I've had it. So either she never had my number in her phone or she got a new phone and I didn't make the transfer list (boy does that make me feel special). But basically, its my fault that we never spend time together. That hurts my feelings. They are both so busy living their lives that they can't return a phone call, but I'm the one not making the effort.
Then on Sunday I went to a bridal shower of a girl I used to babysit. My mom and I were invited together, so I never took a good look at the invitation. I get to my parents' house an hour or so before, finally look at the address and think, "I know someone who lives on that street, but I can't place it". We get in the car and head to the shower, and as we get closer, I realize that its the street that a guy friend from high school lived on. We ran cross country and track together and both played soccer all the same years. My freshman and sophomore years in college we kept in really good touch-he was a lifesaver the summer after freshman year when I had mono, was living on campus and had no car. I believe it was during our junior year that he met his girl, and shortly after they started dating I stopped hearing from him. I would call every once in awhile, but I didn't see him anymore. I stopped trying to call after I found out he was engaged to be married and not only had a not heard about the engagement, but I hadn't been invited to the wedding. Back to the bridal shower...it turns out that his mom was hosting it, and not only did I see him but I saw his parents (I used to hang out at his house in hs) and his brother and his wife (I'd met her once for about 20min when they first started dating). It was awkward. I mean, here is this friend who used to go out of his way to drive to campus to bring me a movie or take me out putt-putting or for ice cream just to keep me from going insane, and the last two or three years of our life have no connection. It hurts.
Then there are friends and roommates who are so absorbed in their significant others that they don't remember a monthly tradition or can't be bothered to answer a voicemail unless she has news about herself to share. There are also the people who have time to say they want to see you but can't seem to find a day to do just that.
I know that I'm busy and you're busy and we don't always make the time for each other, but if something is important, don't let it slip away. Friendships grow and change and are revived and outlive their purpose and meaning, but it shouldn't be due to an oversight.
"There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more"
-Sugarland
Last week I got a call from a hs friend I hadn't heard from in months. It was her birthday about two months ago, and I called and left a happy birthday message on her phone. I didn't hear back from her until last week. She actually called me using the phone of another friend of ours, who I hadn't heard from since mid February. Then I had wanted to get together with her, and she said she'd call me back, and I got no call. Anyway, I see who is calling and I think, "Yay. I haven't heard from her in awhile." And when I answer its the first friend and I think, "Wow, I get to hear from both of them". After we have the chit-chat and the reason for the call (she bought a house down the street from my 'rents), she tells me to stop acting like I live in Colorado...I should call more often. So I point out the fact that I did call her, two months before that, and hadn't heard back from her. She didn't have my phone number. I think that's interesting considering my cell number hasn't changed in the four years I've had it. So either she never had my number in her phone or she got a new phone and I didn't make the transfer list (boy does that make me feel special). But basically, its my fault that we never spend time together. That hurts my feelings. They are both so busy living their lives that they can't return a phone call, but I'm the one not making the effort.
Then on Sunday I went to a bridal shower of a girl I used to babysit. My mom and I were invited together, so I never took a good look at the invitation. I get to my parents' house an hour or so before, finally look at the address and think, "I know someone who lives on that street, but I can't place it". We get in the car and head to the shower, and as we get closer, I realize that its the street that a guy friend from high school lived on. We ran cross country and track together and both played soccer all the same years. My freshman and sophomore years in college we kept in really good touch-he was a lifesaver the summer after freshman year when I had mono, was living on campus and had no car. I believe it was during our junior year that he met his girl, and shortly after they started dating I stopped hearing from him. I would call every once in awhile, but I didn't see him anymore. I stopped trying to call after I found out he was engaged to be married and not only had a not heard about the engagement, but I hadn't been invited to the wedding. Back to the bridal shower...it turns out that his mom was hosting it, and not only did I see him but I saw his parents (I used to hang out at his house in hs) and his brother and his wife (I'd met her once for about 20min when they first started dating). It was awkward. I mean, here is this friend who used to go out of his way to drive to campus to bring me a movie or take me out putt-putting or for ice cream just to keep me from going insane, and the last two or three years of our life have no connection. It hurts.
Then there are friends and roommates who are so absorbed in their significant others that they don't remember a monthly tradition or can't be bothered to answer a voicemail unless she has news about herself to share. There are also the people who have time to say they want to see you but can't seem to find a day to do just that.
I know that I'm busy and you're busy and we don't always make the time for each other, but if something is important, don't let it slip away. Friendships grow and change and are revived and outlive their purpose and meaning, but it shouldn't be due to an oversight.
"There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more"
-Sugarland
13 April 2006
Who Puts Unopened Cans of Soup in the Fridge?
Well, the past three weeks have pretty much been a blur. I say that probably because the lack of sleep is beginning to blur my vision. Its tough sometimes, being so responsible. Because I've been so busy taking care of everyone/everything else, my personal responsibilities have been slacking. Like the fact that I have several not-quite unpacked bags on the floor of my room-from more than one trip. Or the fact that my bedroom could use a good vacuuming (I don't sweep carpet).
And then all this other random crap has been going on, like trying to get my insurance changed over to be from UD instead of through my parents, or getting a flat tire yesterday, or having to go to an old fart breakfast this morning. Plus my roommate always has something dramatic going on, and I have to be the supportive friend-even though she's making all of her own problems and won't listen to advice to improve them.
Plus, I'm really tired of being single. I know, I know-broken record...I keep repeating myself. But I have a serious need for some cuddling. I need to be able to come home from a crappy day like yesterday and say, "can we just curl up on the couch for a few?". I may not look it, but I'm emotionally needy. I guess I'm just pretty decent at hiding it. But anyone who's had me hang all over them or curl up in their lap at a party while I was drunk knows what I'm really like.
It probably doesn't help that a female friend told me over the weekend that I now have the equivalent of an internet boyfriend (how depressingly pathetic) and then my roommate points out that it is just a shining example of how I create long distance/unmaintainable relationships (like she knows anything about a successful union of two people). I will just blame her statement content on the lack of eligible bachelors in the metropolitan area.
I'm having one of those moments of doubt right now. One of those "I should just quit school after my masters, find some guy to settle down with, marry and make babies" moments. It just makes me laugh because I'm probably only a day or two away from having my future PhD school review my application (just waiting for that one last recommendation letter to float in).
Ever wish you could have a sober person by whom you could run any statements you plan to make when drunk? I think I would benefit greatly from this setup. Not that I'm not humorous when I say these things, but its not all that much fun to watch yourself saying stupid things on video the next day.
I apologize for the wandering-my brain is too sleep deprived to stay on any one thought for too long...
Americans should have siestas built in to the work day.
And then all this other random crap has been going on, like trying to get my insurance changed over to be from UD instead of through my parents, or getting a flat tire yesterday, or having to go to an old fart breakfast this morning. Plus my roommate always has something dramatic going on, and I have to be the supportive friend-even though she's making all of her own problems and won't listen to advice to improve them.
Plus, I'm really tired of being single. I know, I know-broken record...I keep repeating myself. But I have a serious need for some cuddling. I need to be able to come home from a crappy day like yesterday and say, "can we just curl up on the couch for a few?". I may not look it, but I'm emotionally needy. I guess I'm just pretty decent at hiding it. But anyone who's had me hang all over them or curl up in their lap at a party while I was drunk knows what I'm really like.
It probably doesn't help that a female friend told me over the weekend that I now have the equivalent of an internet boyfriend (how depressingly pathetic) and then my roommate points out that it is just a shining example of how I create long distance/unmaintainable relationships (like she knows anything about a successful union of two people). I will just blame her statement content on the lack of eligible bachelors in the metropolitan area.
I'm having one of those moments of doubt right now. One of those "I should just quit school after my masters, find some guy to settle down with, marry and make babies" moments. It just makes me laugh because I'm probably only a day or two away from having my future PhD school review my application (just waiting for that one last recommendation letter to float in).
Ever wish you could have a sober person by whom you could run any statements you plan to make when drunk? I think I would benefit greatly from this setup. Not that I'm not humorous when I say these things, but its not all that much fun to watch yourself saying stupid things on video the next day.
I apologize for the wandering-my brain is too sleep deprived to stay on any one thought for too long...
Americans should have siestas built in to the work day.
06 April 2006
My Random Bit of Crazy for the Day...
So, last weekend I led this 1st year leadership retreat where we got to do high ropes teambuilding type activities. I was climbin' on all types of crazy things with reckless abandon. So of course, my legs are covered in bruises (if you were to ask my college roommates, they'd say I bruise like a piece of fruit). I've got this humongous bruise on the back of one of my thighs, some on my knees and shins, etc. Well, that was Saturday morning. Sunday morning I went and played soccer and some goliath stepped on my big toe in the first 30 seconds of the game. When I checked after the game, he'd stepped so hard with his cleats that the nailpolish in the spot in the middle of my nail where he stepped had cracked off. Now the nailbed is bruised, and it is uncomfortable putting on socks in the morning. I'm afraid the darn thing is gonna fall off.
Anyone ever lose a toenail? How does it feel? How long does it take?
Then Sunday night my roommate's dog got riled up and jumped on an already tweaked ankle-I must have stepped funny during the game-and really hurt it. It hurts to put my shoe on (its right there under the ankle bone). I'm not saying all this stuff to be a whiner or a crybaby, its just like, damn, if I'm not careful I'm just gonna be one big bruise. And now I have to be careful what skirts and dresses I choose to wear to my conference this weekend to hide the bad ones so people don't think I have an abusive boyfriend or something (actually, that would require people thinking I have a boyfriend, so I probably don't have to worry about that).
I think I may need a bubble to live in. Yeah, that would be good...
Anyone ever lose a toenail? How does it feel? How long does it take?
Then Sunday night my roommate's dog got riled up and jumped on an already tweaked ankle-I must have stepped funny during the game-and really hurt it. It hurts to put my shoe on (its right there under the ankle bone). I'm not saying all this stuff to be a whiner or a crybaby, its just like, damn, if I'm not careful I'm just gonna be one big bruise. And now I have to be careful what skirts and dresses I choose to wear to my conference this weekend to hide the bad ones so people don't think I have an abusive boyfriend or something (actually, that would require people thinking I have a boyfriend, so I probably don't have to worry about that).
I think I may need a bubble to live in. Yeah, that would be good...
30 March 2006
Daisies
Always Changing, Never Staying the Same
Life in general is unnerving for me right now.
If you had asked me six months ago what I was going to do with my life, who I wanted to spend my time with, and how I felt about myself, the answer would be vastly different than today, and I fear vastly different than it will be six months from now.
I would like something in my life besides my relatives to still be there more than a year later. Hell, I'd settle for the same address for more than 16months. I think during undergrad the constant upheaval in my life was tolerable because that's what college is, change.
Now that I'm in grad school, I have the desires of someone who has a college degree-to settle down and have some consistency in your life, but am stuck in a world that doesn't allow for that.
(I'm in a weird mood today, so don't mind me if this doesn't make any sense or the focus drifts from one place to the next...)
The other day, I got an IM from someone I know. He was asking me about how I'm doing and telling me he talked to one of my college roommates about where I'm going for my PhD. He told her that he thought I'd end up just staying in Ohio. I asked him why. He gave me some line about people wanting to get out but not making it. I know (hope) he didn't mean to offend me with this statement, but he did. Because all I could think was, "Screw you. I have the conviction to do what I want to do." So I stopped talking to him. Maybe that was rude, but I didn't feel like yelling at him especially since I don't think he meant it to make me feel that way.
I mean, maybe he thought by now I would have found someone I wanted to settle down with and that I would have changed my opinion about the importance of getting the heck out of this place, at least for awhile. But I really don't think I would do that, either. Any guy who really cares about me would realize this is what I need-to go away from here, gain some new perspective, a new degree, and have it be a choice to come home, not a necessity. Don't get me wrong...if there were a faculty position offered to me at my alma mater once I have my doctorate, I think I'd want to take it. I just refuse to get stuck here.
Besides, 90% of the guys I know (and girls for that matter) are so dang fickle that I wouldn't want to change my goals around their indecisiveness.
Because sometimes people just can't figure out how they feel about you...
If you had asked me six months ago what I was going to do with my life, who I wanted to spend my time with, and how I felt about myself, the answer would be vastly different than today, and I fear vastly different than it will be six months from now.
I would like something in my life besides my relatives to still be there more than a year later. Hell, I'd settle for the same address for more than 16months. I think during undergrad the constant upheaval in my life was tolerable because that's what college is, change.
Now that I'm in grad school, I have the desires of someone who has a college degree-to settle down and have some consistency in your life, but am stuck in a world that doesn't allow for that.
(I'm in a weird mood today, so don't mind me if this doesn't make any sense or the focus drifts from one place to the next...)
The other day, I got an IM from someone I know. He was asking me about how I'm doing and telling me he talked to one of my college roommates about where I'm going for my PhD. He told her that he thought I'd end up just staying in Ohio. I asked him why. He gave me some line about people wanting to get out but not making it. I know (hope) he didn't mean to offend me with this statement, but he did. Because all I could think was, "Screw you. I have the conviction to do what I want to do." So I stopped talking to him. Maybe that was rude, but I didn't feel like yelling at him especially since I don't think he meant it to make me feel that way.
I mean, maybe he thought by now I would have found someone I wanted to settle down with and that I would have changed my opinion about the importance of getting the heck out of this place, at least for awhile. But I really don't think I would do that, either. Any guy who really cares about me would realize this is what I need-to go away from here, gain some new perspective, a new degree, and have it be a choice to come home, not a necessity. Don't get me wrong...if there were a faculty position offered to me at my alma mater once I have my doctorate, I think I'd want to take it. I just refuse to get stuck here.
Besides, 90% of the guys I know (and girls for that matter) are so dang fickle that I wouldn't want to change my goals around their indecisiveness.
Because sometimes people just can't figure out how they feel about you...
22 March 2006
...
And maybe all we need some days is a phonecall from a guy who thought of you when he heard a song on the radio...
All we need other days is to know that the space between hurts you just as bad as it hurts me...
All we need other days is to know that the space between hurts you just as bad as it hurts me...
I Miss Being a Kid
This morning I was thinking about how much I miss being a kid. Life was simple then. All your meals were cooked for you, and only having a quarter to your name made you the richest kid on the block. If you weren't sure what was right and what was wrong, you checked the rules posted on the wall of your classroom. If it wasn't posted there, the teacher would tell you. If you were hurt, Mom and Dad would hug you and kiss you until you stopped crying, and they would be there to clean your wounds and cover them up with a band-aid. And when it was time for that band-aid to come off, they were there to rip it off for you-you could just close your eyes and even though it hit you when you weren't expecting, it was over so much quicker.
But as a "grown up", you have to do your own grocery shopping. And suddenly that lonely quarter in your pocket is quite depressing. There are still laws set by the city, state, and federal gov'ts, but sometimes just having the right lawyer can get you out of trouble when you've done wrong. Other times the law turns its head to wrong-doing if the person is famous or donates to the right party. So now we are introduced to the grey area, where interpretation is 9/10's of the law. Now when you get hurt, there isn't necessarily someone else there to pick up the broken pieces. And if you want that wound to heal, its your responsibility to clean it and cover it with that band-aid. And when its time for that band-aid to come off, you are reponsible for removing it-and you have three choices. You can either 1.) rip it off as fast as possible-it stings but then its gone 2.) peel it off slowly-its amazing how often we can be masochistic in situations like these, or 3.) you can leave it there until time and water wear it off-but then you're reminded of how its there every time the loose flap gets caught on your clothes or moves in an uncomfortable position.
If you can find someone you'd like to live your life with, it all gets easier. Two paychecks are more than one. You have someone else to make decisions with you and back up your morals and positions on right and wrong. You have someone to hug and kiss you when you're hurt, and they may even be able to pull that band-aid off for you when you aren't looking.
I think you're the reason the band-aid is there. I think me asking for this letter was me reaching out to a friend and asking him to rip off the band-aid for me.
"Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letter
Its gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hiding this way"
-Keith Urban
But as a "grown up", you have to do your own grocery shopping. And suddenly that lonely quarter in your pocket is quite depressing. There are still laws set by the city, state, and federal gov'ts, but sometimes just having the right lawyer can get you out of trouble when you've done wrong. Other times the law turns its head to wrong-doing if the person is famous or donates to the right party. So now we are introduced to the grey area, where interpretation is 9/10's of the law. Now when you get hurt, there isn't necessarily someone else there to pick up the broken pieces. And if you want that wound to heal, its your responsibility to clean it and cover it with that band-aid. And when its time for that band-aid to come off, you are reponsible for removing it-and you have three choices. You can either 1.) rip it off as fast as possible-it stings but then its gone 2.) peel it off slowly-its amazing how often we can be masochistic in situations like these, or 3.) you can leave it there until time and water wear it off-but then you're reminded of how its there every time the loose flap gets caught on your clothes or moves in an uncomfortable position.
If you can find someone you'd like to live your life with, it all gets easier. Two paychecks are more than one. You have someone else to make decisions with you and back up your morals and positions on right and wrong. You have someone to hug and kiss you when you're hurt, and they may even be able to pull that band-aid off for you when you aren't looking.
I think you're the reason the band-aid is there. I think me asking for this letter was me reaching out to a friend and asking him to rip off the band-aid for me.
"Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letter
Its gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hiding this way"
-Keith Urban
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