Have you ever seen the movie Conspiracy Theory? Well if you haven't, its a really good movie with Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, and the bald captain from Star Trek. (Sorry I can't remember the bald dude's character's name-I'm not a trekkie...)
Anyway, in this movie, Mel Gibson plays this "crazy" guy who has all these whacked out conspiracies about the gov't and stuff like that. He's got an unhealthy obsession with Julia Roberts' character, and the bald dude is the bad guy.
Getting to the point of this, Mel's character takes his conspiracies very seriously...he writes a newsletter and has this little following-he knows this stuff is true. He doesn't really realize that no one around him takes him seriously, and they are all just laughing behind his back-they think he's a real nut case. Although his life is messed up because of his beliefs (his coffee canister even has a combination on it) its tolerable to him. You gotta know that somewhere in the back of his mind he's hoping he's completely wrong.
Then, he comes to find that he wasn't wrong. Now, you would think that proving one's sanity would be a joyous occasion. But it actually turns out being when his life gets FUBARed. Eventually it all works out and he gets to live happily ever after, but it doesn't change the fact that things go pretty darned hairy for awhile.
As much as I don't want to have to lock my refrigerator, the idea of remembering a combination for every bit of food I eat is more appealing than knowing for sure I have a reason to protect my food from would-be poisoners.
"You talk in riddles, old man."
-Elektra
07 March 2006
04 March 2006
Invisible
Last night I watched the movie "The Life of David Gale". Good movie. If you haven't seen it, I'd suggest doing so.
There was one scene when actress Laura Linney, playing a terminally ill leukemia patient says,
"You work so hard not to be seen as a sex object. Before long, you're not seen at all".
Talk about striking to the core. That's been my issue for so long. I wanted to be respected-treated as an equal. Now I'm just one of the masses. I've forgotten what it means to flirt. I've forgotten how to notice when a guy likes me. How am I supposed to achieve a relationship when I don't know how to pursue one or how to recognize someone else pursuing one with me? And how do you get that back?
I guess I'm just realizing this because its been a long time since I really dated someone. Every guy over the past 2 1/2 years with whom I've thought something real was going to happen has disappeared. And most times I realize that I've been lead on, and there is really some other girl they care about-I was just there. That's a nasty feeling. Who wants to go through life feeling like a backup or a second choice. I know the rules that guys live by. I know that many of them think its better to go with your second choice for the moment than go alone.
Maybe I'd rather not be seen at all if that is my only choice...
There was one scene when actress Laura Linney, playing a terminally ill leukemia patient says,
"You work so hard not to be seen as a sex object. Before long, you're not seen at all".
Talk about striking to the core. That's been my issue for so long. I wanted to be respected-treated as an equal. Now I'm just one of the masses. I've forgotten what it means to flirt. I've forgotten how to notice when a guy likes me. How am I supposed to achieve a relationship when I don't know how to pursue one or how to recognize someone else pursuing one with me? And how do you get that back?
I guess I'm just realizing this because its been a long time since I really dated someone. Every guy over the past 2 1/2 years with whom I've thought something real was going to happen has disappeared. And most times I realize that I've been lead on, and there is really some other girl they care about-I was just there. That's a nasty feeling. Who wants to go through life feeling like a backup or a second choice. I know the rules that guys live by. I know that many of them think its better to go with your second choice for the moment than go alone.
Maybe I'd rather not be seen at all if that is my only choice...
27 February 2006
When it Rains...
I always used to complain that I couldn't remember my dreams. It seemed the only time I could, I was either very sick (and your dreams are always REALLY messed up when you're sick) or I had gotten to sleep in for like, 14 hrs on a weekend...and that doesn't happen all that often.
Well, the past month or so its almost ridiculous the number of dreams I've remembered...and they are all odd. Even though they all have plots that are quite different, they have common elements. So I started reading in the dream dictionaries online (I think I may have already mentioned this), and these dreams for the most part are reflecting the events in my life:
-my desire to move away from Dayton and start something new
-my undecidedness about certain events in my life
-my being hung up on certain topics
-my inability to control many of these things above
And then there are the "sex" dreams. No, I'm not neccessarily having sex in all of them (but who knows what would have happened if I had slept for five more minutes...) but they are all pretty racy. There have been four of them. There have been three different guys...and its funny. They are all guys that I have some sort of story with. But one is very much so in the past, one in the present, and one is drifting back and forth across the line. So what does that mean? The dream dictionary thinks I need to get some.
I think I'll fail to mention who has had more than one of the dreams...if people can figure out who's who, I don't want anyone getting jealous.
Well, the past month or so its almost ridiculous the number of dreams I've remembered...and they are all odd. Even though they all have plots that are quite different, they have common elements. So I started reading in the dream dictionaries online (I think I may have already mentioned this), and these dreams for the most part are reflecting the events in my life:
-my desire to move away from Dayton and start something new
-my undecidedness about certain events in my life
-my being hung up on certain topics
-my inability to control many of these things above
And then there are the "sex" dreams. No, I'm not neccessarily having sex in all of them (but who knows what would have happened if I had slept for five more minutes...) but they are all pretty racy. There have been four of them. There have been three different guys...and its funny. They are all guys that I have some sort of story with. But one is very much so in the past, one in the present, and one is drifting back and forth across the line. So what does that mean? The dream dictionary thinks I need to get some.
I think I'll fail to mention who has had more than one of the dreams...if people can figure out who's who, I don't want anyone getting jealous.
22 February 2006
Rainstorm in the Kitchen
I'm pretty darn tired today. And the reason for my sleepiness started at 2:30am...
My roommate comes in my room. I'd kind of heard her up and moving around, but I was still mostly asleep and thought that maybe it was already morning time. She sounds very worked-up and says, "Where is the phone number for emergency maintenence?". Oh no. THIS is going to be a lot of fun. So I'm still half asleep, but I tell her where it is and I lay there as she leaves the room trying to find my bearings. I listen very closely, and it sounds like its raining. But I know its much too cold outside for it to be raining. What is that noise? I get out of bed to investigate, and as I'm walking past her room I notice towels all over the floor, but I don't stop because she is downstairs and that's where I hear the "rain". As I come to the bottom of the stairs and round the corner to the kitchen I see that it is, in fact, raining in our kitchen. Water is pouring out of the light fixtures in the ceiling (by the way, she has turned the lights on while this is happening). So we decide that maybe those lights shouldn't be on. At this point the shut off valve to the toilet has been turned off, so the rain begins to subside. Then we spend the next 30-45 mins sopping water off the floor.
During this sopping time, I learn some facts about the situation...
The roommate got up and used the restroom around 1am, then went back to bed. Around 1:30am, she hears a funny noise and gets up to investigate. I guess I use the term "investigate" loosely because she just went and stood outside her bathroom door to listen to the noise. She didn't turn on the light; she didn't enter the bathroom. Her analysis was that it sounded like there was something in the vent. (NO sh*t, Sherlock, that'd be gallons of water pouring into our ventilation system.) After deciding it was just some weird noise in the vent, she went back to bed. 2:15am rolls around, and now there is a new noise (I guess this is the point when it started raining in the kitchen). She gets back up and goes to stand outside the bathroom and listen again, but this time, she steps into wet carpet. NOW she thinks to turn on the light. Oh crap! Now the water gets shut off, and this is when I enter the picture.
Emergency maintenence is called, and the guy is a complete waste of space. First of all, and I know the average person is too stupid to know to do this, he asks if we've turned off the valve to the toilet. After we say yes, he then asks where all the water has gone. Well, Numbnut, it was raining in our kitchen, so pretty much everywhere. He says that since we've turned off the water and soaked up most of the water on the floor, there's not much he can do right then, so he'll be out first thing in the morning.
8:30am rolls around, and Numbnut shows up at the door. Now, the roommate had decided to put the hose back into the toilet at 2:30am, so when the guy shows up, he looks at it and says, "It looks okay to me". I don't think he even touched it. Then we are asking about having the carpet pulled up outside the bathroom. "Oh, I'm sure if they (the normal maintenence people) suck that up with a wetvac it'll be fine, but I don't do that". MORON.
Hopefully our kitchen ceiling doesn't collapse.
My roommate comes in my room. I'd kind of heard her up and moving around, but I was still mostly asleep and thought that maybe it was already morning time. She sounds very worked-up and says, "Where is the phone number for emergency maintenence?". Oh no. THIS is going to be a lot of fun. So I'm still half asleep, but I tell her where it is and I lay there as she leaves the room trying to find my bearings. I listen very closely, and it sounds like its raining. But I know its much too cold outside for it to be raining. What is that noise? I get out of bed to investigate, and as I'm walking past her room I notice towels all over the floor, but I don't stop because she is downstairs and that's where I hear the "rain". As I come to the bottom of the stairs and round the corner to the kitchen I see that it is, in fact, raining in our kitchen. Water is pouring out of the light fixtures in the ceiling (by the way, she has turned the lights on while this is happening). So we decide that maybe those lights shouldn't be on. At this point the shut off valve to the toilet has been turned off, so the rain begins to subside. Then we spend the next 30-45 mins sopping water off the floor.
During this sopping time, I learn some facts about the situation...
The roommate got up and used the restroom around 1am, then went back to bed. Around 1:30am, she hears a funny noise and gets up to investigate. I guess I use the term "investigate" loosely because she just went and stood outside her bathroom door to listen to the noise. She didn't turn on the light; she didn't enter the bathroom. Her analysis was that it sounded like there was something in the vent. (NO sh*t, Sherlock, that'd be gallons of water pouring into our ventilation system.) After deciding it was just some weird noise in the vent, she went back to bed. 2:15am rolls around, and now there is a new noise (I guess this is the point when it started raining in the kitchen). She gets back up and goes to stand outside the bathroom and listen again, but this time, she steps into wet carpet. NOW she thinks to turn on the light. Oh crap! Now the water gets shut off, and this is when I enter the picture.
Emergency maintenence is called, and the guy is a complete waste of space. First of all, and I know the average person is too stupid to know to do this, he asks if we've turned off the valve to the toilet. After we say yes, he then asks where all the water has gone. Well, Numbnut, it was raining in our kitchen, so pretty much everywhere. He says that since we've turned off the water and soaked up most of the water on the floor, there's not much he can do right then, so he'll be out first thing in the morning.
8:30am rolls around, and Numbnut shows up at the door. Now, the roommate had decided to put the hose back into the toilet at 2:30am, so when the guy shows up, he looks at it and says, "It looks okay to me". I don't think he even touched it. Then we are asking about having the carpet pulled up outside the bathroom. "Oh, I'm sure if they (the normal maintenence people) suck that up with a wetvac it'll be fine, but I don't do that". MORON.
Hopefully our kitchen ceiling doesn't collapse.
13 February 2006
Another Odd Dream
So, I overslept this morning, and in the process had another weird dream.
This time, I was staying at someone else's house. It was a house full of boys, and it seemed like campus housing, but it was right on the beach. It acted like the ocean, but it was only about as wide as a big river, kinda like the Mississippi down near Memphis. Anyway, I'd been in this house before. Apparently I'd known the people who had lived there previously, and had spent a good deal of my nights sleeping there. Now the current residents were the junior MEEs that I know through ASME. One minute I'd be staying in some random downstairs room that was packed to the brim with furniture-they had been stealing and hording during a crisis-and the next minute I was staying in one of their rooms, alone. I get up and go to the beach the next day, and a girl I knew my freshman year that I didn't even know that well was there, and we were letting the waves carry us out into the ocean. I was telling her the best way to do this, even though I've never been more than 20ft out into the water. When we were riding this wave back in, it got really big. So big that it was crashing down on the house, and people were scattering. It was this weird mix between a wave being held back by an imaginary wall and a flood...you could still move around outside without being in water, but the bottom level of the house was flooding.
My main concern during this whole flood/tsunami-ish occurence was that I had laundry in the upstairs of the house and I really needed to get to it, fold it, and take it with me so I would have clothes to wear. Seriously, how boring am I?
"Oh no! I need to save my laundry from the flood!"
So I go back into the house to save my laundry, but I can't find my way around. I keep getting so frustrated because I don't know where I'm going, but I know that I should be familiar with my surroundings. I have been in this house a million times, why can't I find the bathroom where all my clothes are?
I finally found them and began folding. This house is being swallowed up by a flood, and I'm folding my laundry as the water is coming up around my ankles. As soon as I got the clothes all folded, I was able to gather them up, go down the stairs, and leave without getting wet, and escape before the wave really crashed down on everything.
Odd, isn't it?
This time, I was staying at someone else's house. It was a house full of boys, and it seemed like campus housing, but it was right on the beach. It acted like the ocean, but it was only about as wide as a big river, kinda like the Mississippi down near Memphis. Anyway, I'd been in this house before. Apparently I'd known the people who had lived there previously, and had spent a good deal of my nights sleeping there. Now the current residents were the junior MEEs that I know through ASME. One minute I'd be staying in some random downstairs room that was packed to the brim with furniture-they had been stealing and hording during a crisis-and the next minute I was staying in one of their rooms, alone. I get up and go to the beach the next day, and a girl I knew my freshman year that I didn't even know that well was there, and we were letting the waves carry us out into the ocean. I was telling her the best way to do this, even though I've never been more than 20ft out into the water. When we were riding this wave back in, it got really big. So big that it was crashing down on the house, and people were scattering. It was this weird mix between a wave being held back by an imaginary wall and a flood...you could still move around outside without being in water, but the bottom level of the house was flooding.
My main concern during this whole flood/tsunami-ish occurence was that I had laundry in the upstairs of the house and I really needed to get to it, fold it, and take it with me so I would have clothes to wear. Seriously, how boring am I?
"Oh no! I need to save my laundry from the flood!"
So I go back into the house to save my laundry, but I can't find my way around. I keep getting so frustrated because I don't know where I'm going, but I know that I should be familiar with my surroundings. I have been in this house a million times, why can't I find the bathroom where all my clothes are?
I finally found them and began folding. This house is being swallowed up by a flood, and I'm folding my laundry as the water is coming up around my ankles. As soon as I got the clothes all folded, I was able to gather them up, go down the stairs, and leave without getting wet, and escape before the wave really crashed down on everything.
Odd, isn't it?
08 February 2006
My Dream
So, last night I was actually asleep long enough to remember my dream.
It was a really odd one, in which my family (not my real family, but in my dream they were) and I were traveling around in a really decked out RV that was as big as a double-wide trailer. (Come on, ask me why I know how big a double-wide is from the inside, you know you want to...) Anyway, we kept traveling, but every time we stopped we were in the same place...it was this weird cross between a school, shopping mall, and restaurant, and every time I went in I was looking for my things...I didn't want to leave anything behind when we left. I found a backpack of mine (from the year before?) that I had abandoned, and I kept losing my bags in the shopping mall. Towards the end it seemed more like a race to get all of my things before we had to shove off.
Then the very end of the dream, I was back home (not my real home, but in my dream it was) and lying in bed. I heard people outside and they were playing volleyball-I realized you were one of them. Next thing I knew you were in my bed, cuddling with me, letting me put my cold feet against your legs to warm them. We were talking, and it was like the last 5 months melted away.
It was complete contentment, It wasn't bliss, it wasn't excitement-it was that warm feeling you get when you go home and your mom has cooked your favorite meal and baked some of your favorite cookies.
I'm not really sure what it means, but it was nice that we were together at the end of the day.
It was a really odd one, in which my family (not my real family, but in my dream they were) and I were traveling around in a really decked out RV that was as big as a double-wide trailer. (Come on, ask me why I know how big a double-wide is from the inside, you know you want to...) Anyway, we kept traveling, but every time we stopped we were in the same place...it was this weird cross between a school, shopping mall, and restaurant, and every time I went in I was looking for my things...I didn't want to leave anything behind when we left. I found a backpack of mine (from the year before?) that I had abandoned, and I kept losing my bags in the shopping mall. Towards the end it seemed more like a race to get all of my things before we had to shove off.
Then the very end of the dream, I was back home (not my real home, but in my dream it was) and lying in bed. I heard people outside and they were playing volleyball-I realized you were one of them. Next thing I knew you were in my bed, cuddling with me, letting me put my cold feet against your legs to warm them. We were talking, and it was like the last 5 months melted away.
It was complete contentment, It wasn't bliss, it wasn't excitement-it was that warm feeling you get when you go home and your mom has cooked your favorite meal and baked some of your favorite cookies.
I'm not really sure what it means, but it was nice that we were together at the end of the day.
07 February 2006
What?
Okay, I don't get it. Did someone stick a sign on my back that says, "I want to be a wife and mom, yesterday!"?
I am not obsessed with getting married and having kids. I'm not. Just because I describe the dating scene in Dayton as being equivalent to the Sahara for a 23-yr old female does not mean I'm obsessed. Its true, I'm a worrier. I sometimes worry that I'm going to be in school for so long that no man in his right mind would marry me and have kids with me...but aren't those normal female psychotic rantings? I also worry that guys are intimidated by me...you know, what with all my book-learnin' and such.
Over the last three months I have had three male friends tell me in not so many words (well, one of them in these exact words) that my biological clock was ticking so loudly it was disturbing his peace. I personally don't understand what is wrong with knowing that I definitely want to have kids, one day in the future. Besides, if I were so concerned about the whole marriage and children thing, then why didn't I stay with the guy who told me he wanted to marry me? And why don't I accept every date offer I get? A desperate woman would be doing the things in the two preceding questions. I'm merely questioning whether I'm going about my life in the proper manner. But as you see when it comes down to the wire I don't stay with someone just to get married and I don't accept every date offer...so see? I can't be obsessed with the idea.
Quizas estoy una poquita preocupada, pero no estoy obsesionada.
I guess if you want me to stop talking about it you should just find me my perfect mate so I can get married... ;)
I am not obsessed with getting married and having kids. I'm not. Just because I describe the dating scene in Dayton as being equivalent to the Sahara for a 23-yr old female does not mean I'm obsessed. Its true, I'm a worrier. I sometimes worry that I'm going to be in school for so long that no man in his right mind would marry me and have kids with me...but aren't those normal female psychotic rantings? I also worry that guys are intimidated by me...you know, what with all my book-learnin' and such.
Over the last three months I have had three male friends tell me in not so many words (well, one of them in these exact words) that my biological clock was ticking so loudly it was disturbing his peace. I personally don't understand what is wrong with knowing that I definitely want to have kids, one day in the future. Besides, if I were so concerned about the whole marriage and children thing, then why didn't I stay with the guy who told me he wanted to marry me? And why don't I accept every date offer I get? A desperate woman would be doing the things in the two preceding questions. I'm merely questioning whether I'm going about my life in the proper manner. But as you see when it comes down to the wire I don't stay with someone just to get married and I don't accept every date offer...so see? I can't be obsessed with the idea.
Quizas estoy una poquita preocupada, pero no estoy obsesionada.
I guess if you want me to stop talking about it you should just find me my perfect mate so I can get married... ;)
18 January 2006
Blah
This morning I got up an hour earlier than I have been getting up and got my butt in to work so I could get the most tedious and frustrating test of my life started. It was snowy outside, had to clean off my car, doors were frozen shut, hurt my finger trying to get one open, got to work and someone tells me we had an hour delay. Not that I would have used it this morning with all the crud I need to get done, but geesh.
I'm wiped out. Went to bed about an hour earlier than usual, but all of these crazy thoughts kept running through my head and I couldn't fall asleep. So, I am pretty sure I got less sleep than usual and got up earlier. Yay for that. I'm pretty sure that after I drive to campus and go to class, I'm gonna have to come back to the base to get the ball rolling on this test. I also need to go to the grocery store tonight.
All I want is a good night of sleep each night. If I could actually get 6-7 hours, I think I'd be in great shape, but even when I try to get that much, I only end up with 4-5 hours, and that just doesn't cut it. It doesn't help that I'm doing a lot more traveling this month than usual. Three of my four weekends are going to be spent in a car. That doesn't make for the most restful of times for me.
I need to find someone to turn off my brain every night.
I'm wiped out. Went to bed about an hour earlier than usual, but all of these crazy thoughts kept running through my head and I couldn't fall asleep. So, I am pretty sure I got less sleep than usual and got up earlier. Yay for that. I'm pretty sure that after I drive to campus and go to class, I'm gonna have to come back to the base to get the ball rolling on this test. I also need to go to the grocery store tonight.
All I want is a good night of sleep each night. If I could actually get 6-7 hours, I think I'd be in great shape, but even when I try to get that much, I only end up with 4-5 hours, and that just doesn't cut it. It doesn't help that I'm doing a lot more traveling this month than usual. Three of my four weekends are going to be spent in a car. That doesn't make for the most restful of times for me.
I need to find someone to turn off my brain every night.
14 January 2006
Late Night Thoughts
This is new...usually I post from work and I definitely don't post this late at night. But I went to a party on campus this evening, had a beer dumped on my BL hat...grrrr.
I've finally figured something out. I have not been "emotionally available" as of late. Yeah, I may say I'm looking but the fact is I'm hung up on unfinished business. I've never been the kind of person who can read more than one book at a time, and my personal life is the same.
So I'm thinking about closing this book. The plot is comparable to Sarum...if you've read that awful book you know what I mean...yeah things change but in the end you don't feel like things are any different than they were at the beginning of the book. There's a good fight or sexy love scene here and there, but the rest is just landscape. And its predictable. And in the end it would probably have been better to leave it to someone who actually might have appreciated the history behind it. And really, someone just left it sitting out on a counter-that's where you found it...but when it comes down to it the owner eventually wants the book back-the owner may have neglected it but its still her book.
I dunno...if you haven't read Sarum I don't know how much of that analogy actually makes sense.
I just hope the book doesn't want me to keep reading...because once I close that book and walk away, it would take something close to a miracle to get me to pick it back up.
I've finally figured something out. I have not been "emotionally available" as of late. Yeah, I may say I'm looking but the fact is I'm hung up on unfinished business. I've never been the kind of person who can read more than one book at a time, and my personal life is the same.
So I'm thinking about closing this book. The plot is comparable to Sarum...if you've read that awful book you know what I mean...yeah things change but in the end you don't feel like things are any different than they were at the beginning of the book. There's a good fight or sexy love scene here and there, but the rest is just landscape. And its predictable. And in the end it would probably have been better to leave it to someone who actually might have appreciated the history behind it. And really, someone just left it sitting out on a counter-that's where you found it...but when it comes down to it the owner eventually wants the book back-the owner may have neglected it but its still her book.
I dunno...if you haven't read Sarum I don't know how much of that analogy actually makes sense.
I just hope the book doesn't want me to keep reading...because once I close that book and walk away, it would take something close to a miracle to get me to pick it back up.
11 January 2006
Deepest Apology
I want to take this time to apologize to everyone I've ever done this to...
Last night a good friend was talking to me online. I was in one of my crappy moods where nothing seems to cheer me up. Most people just leave me alone during these times, but this good friend chose to try to cheer me up. He complimented me and told me not to be sad. Instead of being a normal human being and thanking him for what he was trying to do, I took his compliment and picked it apart.
Why can't I just let people say nice things to me, about me, without freaking out and acting like an idiot? I know at the moment I receive a compliment my feelings are some mix between modesty and insecurity. Its funny, for all that I have accomplished and that I know I can accomplish, I still seem to have some pretty shoddy self-esteem. I see myself as this normal, run-of-the-mill girl, and I have never thought I was worthy of praise for just being me. There are times when I'm kinda okay at receiving compliments-like when I'm receiving a compliment or award for some specific task I've accomplished. When you're the top student in your engineering society and you have a list that is a page long with all the things you've done to earn the award, its easy to say, "well, yeah, I do deserve that 'congratulation' or 'good job' or 'I'm proud of you'". I guess it starts to fall apart when the compliment is that I'm sweet or a good friend or something along those lines. Maybe its that I feel that those are qualities any good person should possess, so I don't deserve to be complimented for possessing them. And if the compliment has anything to do with me being attractive or sexy, that's when I really don't handle it well. I see myself as an average-looking klutz who couldn't be sexy if her life depended on it.
Maybe you're sitting there saying, "but I've complimented you in one of those ways and you seemed to handle it okay". Well, if that happened my handling it probably came in one of two ways: I choked out a thanks and smiled and then found a reason to walk away or I laughed and smiled and turned it into something sarcastic. Defense mechanisms at their best.
But anyway, I hate that I'm like this. Not because I feel that I should be prouder of myself, but because of what my reaction does to the people I care about. And as much as I don't deal with it well, eventually I really appreciate that person going out on a limb to tell me they like something about me.
So, I'm sorry.
Its just not easy to change a person overnight.
Last night a good friend was talking to me online. I was in one of my crappy moods where nothing seems to cheer me up. Most people just leave me alone during these times, but this good friend chose to try to cheer me up. He complimented me and told me not to be sad. Instead of being a normal human being and thanking him for what he was trying to do, I took his compliment and picked it apart.
Why can't I just let people say nice things to me, about me, without freaking out and acting like an idiot? I know at the moment I receive a compliment my feelings are some mix between modesty and insecurity. Its funny, for all that I have accomplished and that I know I can accomplish, I still seem to have some pretty shoddy self-esteem. I see myself as this normal, run-of-the-mill girl, and I have never thought I was worthy of praise for just being me. There are times when I'm kinda okay at receiving compliments-like when I'm receiving a compliment or award for some specific task I've accomplished. When you're the top student in your engineering society and you have a list that is a page long with all the things you've done to earn the award, its easy to say, "well, yeah, I do deserve that 'congratulation' or 'good job' or 'I'm proud of you'". I guess it starts to fall apart when the compliment is that I'm sweet or a good friend or something along those lines. Maybe its that I feel that those are qualities any good person should possess, so I don't deserve to be complimented for possessing them. And if the compliment has anything to do with me being attractive or sexy, that's when I really don't handle it well. I see myself as an average-looking klutz who couldn't be sexy if her life depended on it.
Maybe you're sitting there saying, "but I've complimented you in one of those ways and you seemed to handle it okay". Well, if that happened my handling it probably came in one of two ways: I choked out a thanks and smiled and then found a reason to walk away or I laughed and smiled and turned it into something sarcastic. Defense mechanisms at their best.
But anyway, I hate that I'm like this. Not because I feel that I should be prouder of myself, but because of what my reaction does to the people I care about. And as much as I don't deal with it well, eventually I really appreciate that person going out on a limb to tell me they like something about me.
So, I'm sorry.
Its just not easy to change a person overnight.
10 January 2006
What I want from life
When I was in high school, my friends and I used to make lists of "requirements" for boyfriends-you know, if you do this, you don't qualify. Yeah, it was juvenile, but what do you want...we were in high school. And although the idea of putting the perfect man down on paper is preposterous, the concept behind it is healthy. Knowing what you can and cannot tolerate, what will make you happy and what will send you to the edge of sanity. I'm no longer of the belief that a list like this can really be compiled about a mate because if I look at the history of men to whom I've been attracted, it follows no rhyme or reason. The same thing that I find completely obnoxious done by one guy can get me completely hot and bothered by another guy. Really all I can honestly write down is that he can't be a smoker or a drug addict.
But there are some things that I've decided I should compose as "requirements" for life. Just a list of the things I don't want to live without. I would like to:
But there are some things that I've decided I should compose as "requirements" for life. Just a list of the things I don't want to live without. I would like to:
- be married.
- go to bed and wake up each day knowing that my husband loves me.
- have children (number to be negotiated).
- own a home.
- be able to see my family (parents and bro) at least three-four times a year.
- have enough money for the essentials.
- send my children to college.
- stay in shape.
- enjoy my job.
- make a difference through my job and my service to the community.
This is all I've got so far. Yeah, they all seem really basic, but I think that we sometimes lose sight of some of these points if they aren't staring us in the face. I don't want to say that any of those really hold more weight than the others, but sometimes you can rank importance by the order things come to mind. Maybe by having a list, the little or big decisions at the crossroads will be clearer.
06 January 2006
Longing
Lately I've been having very strong feelings of longing. Longing to be without big decisions, longing to see people, longing to sleep, longing to be healthy, etc. I just hate feeling like everything is just slightly out of my reach. Everytime something moves close and I reach for it, it slips through my fingers. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I know there are so many people who love me and care about me, but sometimes I just want to hear someone say it, unprompted. I mean, my parents tell me that they love me everytime they see me or talk to me on the phone. But that's just what we do in my family. I also worry that I don't tell people often enough that I love them. Have people given up on me because I'm so bad at sharing how I feel?
Its weird to feel that hearts are so close emotionally when they are physically hundreds and thousands of miles apart.
I know there are so many people who love me and care about me, but sometimes I just want to hear someone say it, unprompted. I mean, my parents tell me that they love me everytime they see me or talk to me on the phone. But that's just what we do in my family. I also worry that I don't tell people often enough that I love them. Have people given up on me because I'm so bad at sharing how I feel?
Its weird to feel that hearts are so close emotionally when they are physically hundreds and thousands of miles apart.
28 December 2005
I Like to Depress Myself
I guess I really like to depress myself. Because I'm constantly trying to figure out where I should be/where I am in comparison to others, I end up comparing myself to my mom quite a bit.
This is a stupid idea.
The world was a lot different in her day-not going to college wasn't a huge deal, and getting married and having babies right after high school was pretty normal. Of course, my mom waited until she was 19 and had spent a year in college (to become a mechanical engineer, I might add) to drop out and get married.
But, being the nerd I am, I calculated some stuff. Like, today I am 23 yrs, 7 mos, and 15 days old. That day occurred for my mom on August 29, 1981. By that day, my mom was married, had a little boy who was almost two (Sept. 20) and was about a month pregnant with me.
I can't even cook a real meal for myself and my mom was pregnant and taking care of two children (and one of them was 6'2"). She was living in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida, while all of her family was in Memphis, Tennessee.
All of this makes me wonder if I've chosen the wrong path. All I have to show for myself is an undergraduate degree in mechanical engineering and most of the classes toward a master's degree in materials engineering. I can't even decide where to go get my PhD.
Every time I see a baby or a cute little kid, 2 or 3 years old, I get this twinge in my stomach, like a physical, painful desire to have one of my own. This is probably also why I am a little depressed about the whole dating thing-if I can't find a husband, I can't have babies.
Its like I have these two very separate people living inside me-the one who wants to get a PhD and teach...I would love that so much, and the the one who wants to raise a family and be a mom. I just haven't figured out if I can really do both, and at what step I can afford to mix the two people. I've always been of the mindset that I need to wait until I'm finished with school to marry and have kids, because I just don't see myself balancing those activities well. But the older I get the more I begin to doubt that being my best option. I could be as old as 29 when I finish. Do I really want to wait until my 30s for kids? For a husband? That seems so far away. Granted, the last 6 years flew by, but do I really want to "lose" the next 6 years as they fly by, too?
27 December 2005
Aw, F*ck
Don't you hate it when you have a stupid moment?
I came in to work on Saturday (Christmas Eve) to get a test started. I know this seems a little odd, but I really want to finish my thesis as soon as is humanly possible and if I wanna do that, I gotta keep the machine going. My advisor was already planning to come in because he's one of those crazy engineering guys who doesn't think anything is wrong with working on Saturdays, let alone Christmas Eve. So, we get everything set up, run up the furnaces and get the test started. About three hours (including travel) of my Christmas Eve gone, but I think it is well worth it.
Um, not so fast, Slick...
Got in to work this morning. My advisor had already collected some data for me. Everything seems great. Then I look at my 458 (test controller) and notice that my low reading on my peak monitor seems way too high. My first thought is, "maybe its about to break!" but then I look at the computer and, oh yeah, I made a mistake entering my data-instead of 0.905, I put 9.050. Dyslexia at its best. This pretty much means that my test would have run for a very very very very long time without breaking. Grrr. So, the title of this blog comes out of my mouth. I go downstairs, find my advisor, and tell him what I've done (mind you, he was there when I did it). His response is, "F*ck. D*mnit. Son of a b*tch." At least he wasn't cursing at me. So we stopped the test, pulled the specimen, and I have to get a new one started. I basically ruined this specimen and wasted an entire weekend's worth of testing.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I guess I'll just have to do better next time. At least I can't get fired-it is my thesis project. The worst thing that can happen to me is that I'll never graduate...
I came in to work on Saturday (Christmas Eve) to get a test started. I know this seems a little odd, but I really want to finish my thesis as soon as is humanly possible and if I wanna do that, I gotta keep the machine going. My advisor was already planning to come in because he's one of those crazy engineering guys who doesn't think anything is wrong with working on Saturdays, let alone Christmas Eve. So, we get everything set up, run up the furnaces and get the test started. About three hours (including travel) of my Christmas Eve gone, but I think it is well worth it.
Um, not so fast, Slick...
Got in to work this morning. My advisor had already collected some data for me. Everything seems great. Then I look at my 458 (test controller) and notice that my low reading on my peak monitor seems way too high. My first thought is, "maybe its about to break!" but then I look at the computer and, oh yeah, I made a mistake entering my data-instead of 0.905, I put 9.050. Dyslexia at its best. This pretty much means that my test would have run for a very very very very long time without breaking. Grrr. So, the title of this blog comes out of my mouth. I go downstairs, find my advisor, and tell him what I've done (mind you, he was there when I did it). His response is, "F*ck. D*mnit. Son of a b*tch." At least he wasn't cursing at me. So we stopped the test, pulled the specimen, and I have to get a new one started. I basically ruined this specimen and wasted an entire weekend's worth of testing.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I guess I'll just have to do better next time. At least I can't get fired-it is my thesis project. The worst thing that can happen to me is that I'll never graduate...
21 December 2005
Happy Birthday
I have to start my post today with a big 'ol HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite dance partner. Seeing as how you are in Korea, it is now 2am and you are probably done or close to being done celebrating it, but I still wanted to say it again.
On a different note...
Anyone who read my last blog could probably tell that I was a bit upset. I don't take kindly to people reaming me for no good reason. I asked for some advice, and I got it from a few people. Some said I should just ignore him, others said I should schedule time to talk to him and make sure he knew there was no malice in my intent, and my roommate just said I should go rip him a new one. I think I've settled for a hand-written letter.
My reasons for not going with the suggestions are as follows:
1.) I can't really ignore him-he works in a lab where there are times I need to ask for assistance. I can't afford for things to be that awkward.
2.) At the moment I'm still too angry too say anything in person. I will do much better putting my words down on paper so I don't forget anything in the heat of an argument that I really needed to say. Besides, going out of my way to do what I wanted to do and he yelled at me on paper for not doing just seems dumb. Don't give me a chance to do things, I won't do them. I also shouldn't have to prove to anyone that I am a good person. People are always making snap decisions based on stupid misinformation or their own insecurities and if I spent my whole life making sure everyone liked me I wouldn't like myself anymore.
3.) As much as I would LOVE to walk down to his lab right now and just let him have it, I'm too professional and too nice to do it (which, in his note to me, I apparently am not). I would get a lot more pleasure out of quietly making him feel like the biggest choadknocker in the world.
My reasons for choosing the letter are as follows:
1.) I can leave it on his desk/windshield/etc. without having to see him (big plus).
2.) I can have other people (my roommates, both current and college) read the letter and give me feedback.
3.) I at least have a little bit of a break before he can say anything back to me about the letter.
4.) It keeps it on a maturity level he can deal with. If I were to take certain (bitchy) measures things could get pretty ugly pretty quickly between the two of us. I'd rather just be done with it. The end.
Today I'm going out to two bars. In about an hour I'm going out with my work group-gov't and contractors-to celebrate the winter solstice. Its really just an excuse to leave work a little early and drink some beers together. Then in about 5 hours I'm going to drink with my office mates and all of the guys that hang out with them. It concerns my mom that I'm "one of the guys", but that's what I've been going for all along.
I'm supposed to have this Friday/Monday and next Friday/Monday off work for Christmas and New Year's, respectively. I just found out that I may be coming in to work on Friday to keep my specimens running in the machine as much as possible. So basically I'm on call. Yipee. Depending on whether my advisor is in on those other "holiday" days, I may get to come in on some of them as well. Oh, the joys of graduate school. Anyway, I think that's about all I have to say.
Have a good day!
On a different note...
Anyone who read my last blog could probably tell that I was a bit upset. I don't take kindly to people reaming me for no good reason. I asked for some advice, and I got it from a few people. Some said I should just ignore him, others said I should schedule time to talk to him and make sure he knew there was no malice in my intent, and my roommate just said I should go rip him a new one. I think I've settled for a hand-written letter.
My reasons for not going with the suggestions are as follows:
1.) I can't really ignore him-he works in a lab where there are times I need to ask for assistance. I can't afford for things to be that awkward.
2.) At the moment I'm still too angry too say anything in person. I will do much better putting my words down on paper so I don't forget anything in the heat of an argument that I really needed to say. Besides, going out of my way to do what I wanted to do and he yelled at me on paper for not doing just seems dumb. Don't give me a chance to do things, I won't do them. I also shouldn't have to prove to anyone that I am a good person. People are always making snap decisions based on stupid misinformation or their own insecurities and if I spent my whole life making sure everyone liked me I wouldn't like myself anymore.
3.) As much as I would LOVE to walk down to his lab right now and just let him have it, I'm too professional and too nice to do it (which, in his note to me, I apparently am not). I would get a lot more pleasure out of quietly making him feel like the biggest choadknocker in the world.
My reasons for choosing the letter are as follows:
1.) I can leave it on his desk/windshield/etc. without having to see him (big plus).
2.) I can have other people (my roommates, both current and college) read the letter and give me feedback.
3.) I at least have a little bit of a break before he can say anything back to me about the letter.
4.) It keeps it on a maturity level he can deal with. If I were to take certain (bitchy) measures things could get pretty ugly pretty quickly between the two of us. I'd rather just be done with it. The end.
Today I'm going out to two bars. In about an hour I'm going out with my work group-gov't and contractors-to celebrate the winter solstice. Its really just an excuse to leave work a little early and drink some beers together. Then in about 5 hours I'm going to drink with my office mates and all of the guys that hang out with them. It concerns my mom that I'm "one of the guys", but that's what I've been going for all along.
I'm supposed to have this Friday/Monday and next Friday/Monday off work for Christmas and New Year's, respectively. I just found out that I may be coming in to work on Friday to keep my specimens running in the machine as much as possible. So basically I'm on call. Yipee. Depending on whether my advisor is in on those other "holiday" days, I may get to come in on some of them as well. Oh, the joys of graduate school. Anyway, I think that's about all I have to say.
Have a good day!
19 December 2005
Harsh words make for an angry Mandy
I'm not normally one to get angry. I try to see the good in situations, and take things for what they really are. Overreacting is not something I think is necessary. Now, I'll preface this with the comment where from the outside, not knowing my circumstances, someone else may not know what is going on, and may be offended by my lack of communication. That being said...
I went to a company Christmas party with the guy I had been seeing-his company Christmas party. I was already starting to feel like things weren't going anywhere, but I didn't feel like I could back out on him. I go, open bar, other coworkers encouraging me, I end up shitfaced. A little embarassed about that, but whatever. The following couple days of work I have finals and the next week I have a huge presentation to give for work-gov't guys want to know about my thesis, so I was freakin' out a bit. I didn't have a lot of time to be visiting with people while I was at work, and I was working full days. I was tired and cranky. Saturday the 10th, I come down with the flu. And I mean "knock you on your butt for 6 days" kind of flu. The only people whose phone calls I was returning were my mom's and my roommate's...and that was just so they'd stop bugging me. Well, the day I got sick he called me to ask me to go to a movie-after I had already seen it with my college roommate earlier in the day-I didn't realize how bad my flu was until I was out and I hate cancelling plans with people. Well, I didn't call him back. Then I didn't work Monday, I worked on Tuesday trying to do the presentation and get a test running, but as soon as I did some stuff I went home and slept for 4-5 hours. Got up and tried to work on Wednesday, but my advisor sent me home 1/2 an hour after I got there-he said we would move my presentation (now its set for the 5th of January). Went back to bed all day. Didn't bother going to work on Thursday. Went to work on Friday, but was busy with work all day. Spent my weekend doing the Christmas shopping I hadn't had a chance to do while I was sick and catching up on everything else I put off. As of today (Monday the 19th) I still haven't spoken to him. This was not a direct attempt at being a bitch, it was more having other pressing things to worry about and not wanting to to dump someone over the phone while I was sick. But I can see someone thinking that I was blowing him off. I do NOT, however, believe that I earned the note I found in my drawer in the metlab this afternoon (as written-typos are not mine):
So, why did you use me?
So was that your plan all along? I didn't think you were that kind of person. I guess I wrong, I guess what amazes me the most is that despite how everyone says your so business like and formal, you didn't even have enough couth and respect to just tell me that you didn't want to date anymore. I would have respected that. The way you're doing it now is so childish, by avoiding and running away from the issue. If you think that I was moving too slow, I was! I was waiting for the Christmas party, you know the right moment, you of course you ruined that. I'm not the kind of guy that would make a move on a drunk girl, but I think you knew that too and that's why you did what you did. All this makes little difference now, I was just curious I suppose. Well I guess your off to use someone else good luck with that!
Now, I can understand him being a little put out. But really, telling me I'm a bitch in a note in my drawer? At least call me and leave a voicemail on my phone or something. I also kind of resent him saying that I would get drunk to avoid him making a move on me when I avoided drinking alcohol during any of our other dates so that he wouldn't have to worry about me being drunk. But anyway...
I'm looking for suggestions. What is the best way to respond to this? Do I write him a letter back responding point by point to his letter as to why things are the way they are? Do I call him? Do I confront him at work in front of our co-workers? I was basically trying to avoid doing any of the above, trying to wait until we could sit down and talk about it, but now I don't see that happening. Or do I just ignore it? Because now a bit of the bitch is welling up in me saying that if he thinks I'm such a bitch, I shouldn't even honor it with a response.
P.S. I wish he would tell me who this other guy that I'm using is...
I went to a company Christmas party with the guy I had been seeing-his company Christmas party. I was already starting to feel like things weren't going anywhere, but I didn't feel like I could back out on him. I go, open bar, other coworkers encouraging me, I end up shitfaced. A little embarassed about that, but whatever. The following couple days of work I have finals and the next week I have a huge presentation to give for work-gov't guys want to know about my thesis, so I was freakin' out a bit. I didn't have a lot of time to be visiting with people while I was at work, and I was working full days. I was tired and cranky. Saturday the 10th, I come down with the flu. And I mean "knock you on your butt for 6 days" kind of flu. The only people whose phone calls I was returning were my mom's and my roommate's...and that was just so they'd stop bugging me. Well, the day I got sick he called me to ask me to go to a movie-after I had already seen it with my college roommate earlier in the day-I didn't realize how bad my flu was until I was out and I hate cancelling plans with people. Well, I didn't call him back. Then I didn't work Monday, I worked on Tuesday trying to do the presentation and get a test running, but as soon as I did some stuff I went home and slept for 4-5 hours. Got up and tried to work on Wednesday, but my advisor sent me home 1/2 an hour after I got there-he said we would move my presentation (now its set for the 5th of January). Went back to bed all day. Didn't bother going to work on Thursday. Went to work on Friday, but was busy with work all day. Spent my weekend doing the Christmas shopping I hadn't had a chance to do while I was sick and catching up on everything else I put off. As of today (Monday the 19th) I still haven't spoken to him. This was not a direct attempt at being a bitch, it was more having other pressing things to worry about and not wanting to to dump someone over the phone while I was sick. But I can see someone thinking that I was blowing him off. I do NOT, however, believe that I earned the note I found in my drawer in the metlab this afternoon (as written-typos are not mine):
So, why did you use me?
So was that your plan all along? I didn't think you were that kind of person. I guess I wrong, I guess what amazes me the most is that despite how everyone says your so business like and formal, you didn't even have enough couth and respect to just tell me that you didn't want to date anymore. I would have respected that. The way you're doing it now is so childish, by avoiding and running away from the issue. If you think that I was moving too slow, I was! I was waiting for the Christmas party, you know the right moment, you of course you ruined that. I'm not the kind of guy that would make a move on a drunk girl, but I think you knew that too and that's why you did what you did. All this makes little difference now, I was just curious I suppose. Well I guess your off to use someone else good luck with that!
Now, I can understand him being a little put out. But really, telling me I'm a bitch in a note in my drawer? At least call me and leave a voicemail on my phone or something. I also kind of resent him saying that I would get drunk to avoid him making a move on me when I avoided drinking alcohol during any of our other dates so that he wouldn't have to worry about me being drunk. But anyway...
I'm looking for suggestions. What is the best way to respond to this? Do I write him a letter back responding point by point to his letter as to why things are the way they are? Do I call him? Do I confront him at work in front of our co-workers? I was basically trying to avoid doing any of the above, trying to wait until we could sit down and talk about it, but now I don't see that happening. Or do I just ignore it? Because now a bit of the bitch is welling up in me saying that if he thinks I'm such a bitch, I shouldn't even honor it with a response.
P.S. I wish he would tell me who this other guy that I'm using is...
08 December 2005
So Tired
Can I just tell you how sleepy I've been for the past week? I have basically spent the last year being a bum. Four hours of work in the morning, class directly after, and then the rest of the day to do whatever it is I want to do. Sufficed to say, its been nice.
But now that my thesis is trying to get started(and I say trying because I've only tested one specimen and could have probably broken another one and had one in the process of breaking by now if I hadn't been handed more B.S. to work out), I've stayed at work until 4 or 5pm every day for over a week.
This is a big change when you are used to going home every afternoon to watch your soaps and take a nap. I am also a taurus, so I don't do well with change. So I guess its not really my fault-I couldn't control when my mom gave birth to me. But basically what I'm trying to say is that this is gonna take a little getting used to. And its not all just because of work. Monday and Tuesday I had my finals for the semester and I've got a presentation coming up with nothing to show (because the people I'm supposed to present to have been holding up my testing) and I've had lots of ASME stuff going on. So now I feel like I have so little of the day to myself when I'm done with work and I spend it working on other stuff. I supposed I have made my own bed. No one made me go to grad school...no, wait, the gov't guys told me I had no choice...but the ASME stuff is all my fault.
__________________________________________
About the only exciting thing right now is knowing that my VS package came in the mail and I can pick it up after work today...yay for new bras!
__________________________________________
Yesterday I had to teach my roommate a lesson. I want to start this off by saying I feel really bad about doing this to her dog, because it isn't the dog's fault, but the girl needs to understand this.
She calls me around 4pm while I'm at work, and asks me where I am (apparently she hasn't caught on to the fact that I work pretty normal working day hours now, but whatever). So I tell her I am at work. She asks me when I'm going to be home. I have been telling her since Sunday (and more specifically, I told her Tuesday evening) that I had an ASME function on campus and I was going straight from work on Wednesday. So I tell her again that I am not going home until after my function, and I don't know how long it will last. Then she tells me that she has to monitor detention after school (which, I pay attention when she tells me things so, I already knew) and then has to work at the basketball game (which she supposedly was not informed of until yesterday morning-but she probably has access to a frickin' game schedule-and mind you, she asked to take on this extra responsibility, so you would think she'd check the schedule even more so) so she won't be home until 7:30 or 8ish. My response, in a slightly less bitchy tone and wording, was, "sorry about your luck". I don't think its fair for her to ask me to take time out, miss out on my activities, because she isn't home enough to care for her own pet. That's why I have a cat. A dog would be a great pet to have, but sometimes I'll just not be able to come home for 15hrs and if its an indoor dog it can't wait that long to pee and poop-that's just abusive. My cat, on the otherhand, if left with enough food and water and a litter box, could probably survive 2-3 days on his own without freaking out. I just hate that she expects me to take care of the dog. For the most part, I love that dog and I don't mind taking care of her if I'm already home to do it. But I don't own a dog. It is not my responsibility to take care of it. So now maybe the roommate won't expect that from me so much. And in case you are worried about the dog, she made it the whol 12ish hours without peeing or pooping in her cage, but I suspect she was really hyper when my roommate came home-she definitely seemed fine by the time I made it home.
Sorry about that rant-it just makes me mad when I feel like I'm expected to do something for someone that should be looked at as a favor. But I guess I'm just a big jerk.
But now that my thesis is trying to get started(and I say trying because I've only tested one specimen and could have probably broken another one and had one in the process of breaking by now if I hadn't been handed more B.S. to work out), I've stayed at work until 4 or 5pm every day for over a week.
This is a big change when you are used to going home every afternoon to watch your soaps and take a nap. I am also a taurus, so I don't do well with change. So I guess its not really my fault-I couldn't control when my mom gave birth to me. But basically what I'm trying to say is that this is gonna take a little getting used to. And its not all just because of work. Monday and Tuesday I had my finals for the semester and I've got a presentation coming up with nothing to show (because the people I'm supposed to present to have been holding up my testing) and I've had lots of ASME stuff going on. So now I feel like I have so little of the day to myself when I'm done with work and I spend it working on other stuff. I supposed I have made my own bed. No one made me go to grad school...no, wait, the gov't guys told me I had no choice...but the ASME stuff is all my fault.
__________________________________________
About the only exciting thing right now is knowing that my VS package came in the mail and I can pick it up after work today...yay for new bras!
__________________________________________
Yesterday I had to teach my roommate a lesson. I want to start this off by saying I feel really bad about doing this to her dog, because it isn't the dog's fault, but the girl needs to understand this.
She calls me around 4pm while I'm at work, and asks me where I am (apparently she hasn't caught on to the fact that I work pretty normal working day hours now, but whatever). So I tell her I am at work. She asks me when I'm going to be home. I have been telling her since Sunday (and more specifically, I told her Tuesday evening) that I had an ASME function on campus and I was going straight from work on Wednesday. So I tell her again that I am not going home until after my function, and I don't know how long it will last. Then she tells me that she has to monitor detention after school (which, I pay attention when she tells me things so, I already knew) and then has to work at the basketball game (which she supposedly was not informed of until yesterday morning-but she probably has access to a frickin' game schedule-and mind you, she asked to take on this extra responsibility, so you would think she'd check the schedule even more so) so she won't be home until 7:30 or 8ish. My response, in a slightly less bitchy tone and wording, was, "sorry about your luck". I don't think its fair for her to ask me to take time out, miss out on my activities, because she isn't home enough to care for her own pet. That's why I have a cat. A dog would be a great pet to have, but sometimes I'll just not be able to come home for 15hrs and if its an indoor dog it can't wait that long to pee and poop-that's just abusive. My cat, on the otherhand, if left with enough food and water and a litter box, could probably survive 2-3 days on his own without freaking out. I just hate that she expects me to take care of the dog. For the most part, I love that dog and I don't mind taking care of her if I'm already home to do it. But I don't own a dog. It is not my responsibility to take care of it. So now maybe the roommate won't expect that from me so much. And in case you are worried about the dog, she made it the whol 12ish hours without peeing or pooping in her cage, but I suspect she was really hyper when my roommate came home-she definitely seemed fine by the time I made it home.
Sorry about that rant-it just makes me mad when I feel like I'm expected to do something for someone that should be looked at as a favor. But I guess I'm just a big jerk.
02 December 2005
Anticipation
So, I had trouble deciding on a color for this post. What color best represents anticipation? I couldn't figure it out, so I just picked some random purple color.
But anyway, back to anticipation. I know that it is usually used in a more positive connotation, but I don't do well with it. Its basically just wasted energy. Nervous energy. Heaven knows I already waste enough energy worrying about things I can't control...lets add a couple more.
My first fatigue test has been running for 42hrs. It was supposed to finish up around 28hrs. Whoops. Apparently there is a lot of variability in this material. The next seven months should be fun.
At least at this point in my life I'm only really dreading two things: making a decision on a school for my PhD and dealing with the guy I've been dating. Wonderful guy. Takes me out, pays for everything, says sweet things to me.
BUT...(you knew there had to be one of those in here somewhere)
I feel like I'm in high school again. The whole time I was in high school I only ever kissed one boy. It was my junior year, and I had been dating the guy for about a month before he tried to kiss me. It was the worst kiss I've ever gotten from a boy. He knew it was my first kiss, and he came at me with tongue and I was like, "whoah, buddy". All I wanted then was a boy to hold my hand and give me sweet little kisses on the lips (with NO TONGUE). I broke up with him two weeks later and he never got more than that one kiss. After that I really wasn't in that much of a hurry to kiss boys. Not if they were going to be like that. Now, I am seven years older than that and I realize that there is more to life than hand-holding and sweet little kisses on the lips with no tongue. Now please don't misunderstand me. Those are VERY IMPORTANT. They are the foundation and the continuity of any good relationship. It is where things should start and you should throw them in every once in awhile just to remember how pure and simple your feelings should be. But now and then I'd like a boy to kiss me with a little tongue. And maybe do some other stuff with me. I dunno. But now that you have background from this little aside-ish explanation...
This guy has been taking me out for around two months. Dates are usually fun-good food, good movies, good conversation, etc. But that's where it ends. He drops me off at home and all I get is a smile. At first the idea of a guy taking things slowly was very appealing to me-most guys are out to get in your pants ASAP. But even if taking things slow is nice, I still want to know that at some point he would like to get in my pants. There's a lot to be said for body language. You meet some people and you can tell by the way they stand near you or the way they touch your shoulder or waist casually when they pass you or are talking to you that they are attracted to you. I'm not getting that vibe from this guy. There is a HUGE disconnect between his words and his body language. The last time we went out (a week ago) he was walking along beside me and told me that my left-handedness was causing problems with him wanting to hold my hand because I always have my purse in my right hand. Well, first of all, what is wrong with holding my left hand? Secondly, that seemed like the cheapest way to basically read my reaction to the idea of holding hands. He might as well have just come out and said, "Hey, can I hold your hand?". And there has been NO attempt at a kiss. I'm going to be barren before he gets up the nerve to pose that idea to me. So now we're going to his company Christmas party tomorrow night. Its apparently a big deal-he's wearing a suit. So yesterday he tells me that he is going to wear a wine-colored shirt with his black suit...in case I want to coordinate. Since we are not going to prom, or in a wedding party, I am not really sure why he gave me this bit of information. Besides the fact that his knowledge of more than the Crayola 8-pack is beginning to make me wonder if he even knows in which game he should be playing. Everyone keeps telling me that I should make a move. At this point, the idea of either of us making a move has lost its luster. But how do you break things off with a guy for "taking things too slowly" without appearing to be a hussy? (I am using the word hussy because this is about equivalent to a 1940's relationship and that sounds like a 40's word for a hoebag.)
I hate how much I think about things.
But anyway, back to anticipation. I know that it is usually used in a more positive connotation, but I don't do well with it. Its basically just wasted energy. Nervous energy. Heaven knows I already waste enough energy worrying about things I can't control...lets add a couple more.
My first fatigue test has been running for 42hrs. It was supposed to finish up around 28hrs. Whoops. Apparently there is a lot of variability in this material. The next seven months should be fun.
At least at this point in my life I'm only really dreading two things: making a decision on a school for my PhD and dealing with the guy I've been dating. Wonderful guy. Takes me out, pays for everything, says sweet things to me.
BUT...(you knew there had to be one of those in here somewhere)
I feel like I'm in high school again. The whole time I was in high school I only ever kissed one boy. It was my junior year, and I had been dating the guy for about a month before he tried to kiss me. It was the worst kiss I've ever gotten from a boy. He knew it was my first kiss, and he came at me with tongue and I was like, "whoah, buddy". All I wanted then was a boy to hold my hand and give me sweet little kisses on the lips (with NO TONGUE). I broke up with him two weeks later and he never got more than that one kiss. After that I really wasn't in that much of a hurry to kiss boys. Not if they were going to be like that. Now, I am seven years older than that and I realize that there is more to life than hand-holding and sweet little kisses on the lips with no tongue. Now please don't misunderstand me. Those are VERY IMPORTANT. They are the foundation and the continuity of any good relationship. It is where things should start and you should throw them in every once in awhile just to remember how pure and simple your feelings should be. But now and then I'd like a boy to kiss me with a little tongue. And maybe do some other stuff with me. I dunno. But now that you have background from this little aside-ish explanation...
This guy has been taking me out for around two months. Dates are usually fun-good food, good movies, good conversation, etc. But that's where it ends. He drops me off at home and all I get is a smile. At first the idea of a guy taking things slowly was very appealing to me-most guys are out to get in your pants ASAP. But even if taking things slow is nice, I still want to know that at some point he would like to get in my pants. There's a lot to be said for body language. You meet some people and you can tell by the way they stand near you or the way they touch your shoulder or waist casually when they pass you or are talking to you that they are attracted to you. I'm not getting that vibe from this guy. There is a HUGE disconnect between his words and his body language. The last time we went out (a week ago) he was walking along beside me and told me that my left-handedness was causing problems with him wanting to hold my hand because I always have my purse in my right hand. Well, first of all, what is wrong with holding my left hand? Secondly, that seemed like the cheapest way to basically read my reaction to the idea of holding hands. He might as well have just come out and said, "Hey, can I hold your hand?". And there has been NO attempt at a kiss. I'm going to be barren before he gets up the nerve to pose that idea to me. So now we're going to his company Christmas party tomorrow night. Its apparently a big deal-he's wearing a suit. So yesterday he tells me that he is going to wear a wine-colored shirt with his black suit...in case I want to coordinate. Since we are not going to prom, or in a wedding party, I am not really sure why he gave me this bit of information. Besides the fact that his knowledge of more than the Crayola 8-pack is beginning to make me wonder if he even knows in which game he should be playing. Everyone keeps telling me that I should make a move. At this point, the idea of either of us making a move has lost its luster. But how do you break things off with a guy for "taking things too slowly" without appearing to be a hussy? (I am using the word hussy because this is about equivalent to a 1940's relationship and that sounds like a 40's word for a hoebag.)
I hate how much I think about things.
30 November 2005
Finally an Engineer
Today I feel like an engineer. All of the testing I've been waiting to start, finally got off the ground this afternoon. How can you not be excited to finally start the work for which you've been receiving a paycheck for the last 11 months? I am now a cross between a technician and an experimental engineer-basically I'm my own boss (but I ask other people to tell me stuff I don't know).
Sure it means that I'm going to have to start spending more time at work now, but this could be good for me. I won't be able to go home and sit on the couch for hours and hours getting tired and feeling more and more out of shape. Plus my roommate won't be able to expect me to be around to take care of her dog all the time-people shouldn't have pets they aren't able to care for.
That's all I have to say for now.
Have a good day, like me.
Sure it means that I'm going to have to start spending more time at work now, but this could be good for me. I won't be able to go home and sit on the couch for hours and hours getting tired and feeling more and more out of shape. Plus my roommate won't be able to expect me to be around to take care of her dog all the time-people shouldn't have pets they aren't able to care for.
That's all I have to say for now.
Have a good day, like me.
22 November 2005
Agitated
Today I wish I had never gotten out of bed.
I, am angry today. The last few weeks I've had a lot of trouble getting out of bed on time. Been late to work, felt like a big slug, and I've felt a little guilty not working as much as I'm officially supposed to. But this morning was different. I got out of bed. I hauled ass, and I pulled in to the parking lot at 7:30am. I was so proud of myself. I was proud because I was making an effort, and today was the day I was going to run my first test for my thesis.
So much for that.
I am a contractor for the government. By now I should realize that nothing ever gets done on time. Considering the fact that I am already pushing my graduation back by a semester, I do realize this. But this is my thesis. This isn't just some project that has not real expectations. There isn't some other project I can work on instead. This is the only work I have.
And it keeps getting put off.
This morning my boss delivers the wonderful news that he has been assigned to put out a fire that doesn't exist, and that in the meantime, no new tests are to be run. He's hoping that by tomorrow we'd be able to start, but with Turkey Day being Thursday, I really won't get to start until Monday.
So, yay for that.
Now, anyone who knows about my project would just say, well, isn't your advisor one of the government guys? Why, yes he is. He should be able to throw his weight around. This shouldn't be a problem. Oh, wait. That's right. Today marks the beginning of my advisor's two weeks of leave to care for his wife and baby after her c-section this morning. He told me before he left that although he was taking two weeks off, I couldn't afford to. Ha. He did give me his home contact information incase there were any issues that needed his help. But I have decided that his wife having a baby is a little more important to him right now than my crisis, so I'll let him be, at least until Monday.
Of all the days to have a c-section...
I guess its just not my year.
I, am angry today. The last few weeks I've had a lot of trouble getting out of bed on time. Been late to work, felt like a big slug, and I've felt a little guilty not working as much as I'm officially supposed to. But this morning was different. I got out of bed. I hauled ass, and I pulled in to the parking lot at 7:30am. I was so proud of myself. I was proud because I was making an effort, and today was the day I was going to run my first test for my thesis.
So much for that.
I am a contractor for the government. By now I should realize that nothing ever gets done on time. Considering the fact that I am already pushing my graduation back by a semester, I do realize this. But this is my thesis. This isn't just some project that has not real expectations. There isn't some other project I can work on instead. This is the only work I have.
And it keeps getting put off.
This morning my boss delivers the wonderful news that he has been assigned to put out a fire that doesn't exist, and that in the meantime, no new tests are to be run. He's hoping that by tomorrow we'd be able to start, but with Turkey Day being Thursday, I really won't get to start until Monday.
So, yay for that.
Now, anyone who knows about my project would just say, well, isn't your advisor one of the government guys? Why, yes he is. He should be able to throw his weight around. This shouldn't be a problem. Oh, wait. That's right. Today marks the beginning of my advisor's two weeks of leave to care for his wife and baby after her c-section this morning. He told me before he left that although he was taking two weeks off, I couldn't afford to. Ha. He did give me his home contact information incase there were any issues that needed his help. But I have decided that his wife having a baby is a little more important to him right now than my crisis, so I'll let him be, at least until Monday.
Of all the days to have a c-section...
I guess its just not my year.
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