Stand Still, Look Pretty

I want to paint my face and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up I don't even want to look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

-The Wreckers

Juvenile Sense of Humor

Background: At lunch today, a co-worker, DW, was talking about how Fox accidentally broadcast a naked football player in the Vikings locker room after their game the other day.

Boss: Who was they guy.

DW: A tight end.

Me: :::giggles uncontrollably:::

Good thing I was at the other end of the table from my boss and he didn't hear me.

If you ever wondered why I am the way I am...

This is an email I received from my father today. It may explain why my sense of humor is so twisted, and really, why I am such a twisted individual in general.

"Ok, So Halloween has been a favorite holiday of mine since I can remember. I've done some kind of scare or haunted house for over 20 years. It gives me great pleasure to scare kids. Call me twisted but I can't help it. We had a ton of trick or treaters out last night. I like that. In spite of the fact that we had no scare set up, I still made one kid cry. It was towards the end of the night and this chick walks up looking like she'd just crawled off of a bar stool. She's 250 - 300 pounds wearing sweat pants and a flannel shirt. She's smoking a cigarette and has one eye squinting like the smoke is burning her eyes. Her daughter is very overweight. The daughter was around 10 years old. I put a tootsie pop in her little pupmkin bucket and she dropped her arms to her side and said, "Don't you have any chocolate bars?". I look at the mom waiting for her to tell the kid how rude she's being but the mom says nothing. In fact the mom is looking at me as to say, " Well don't you?". I was so pissed off I leaned down and got my face right close to the little girl and said, "Yes, but I'm saving them for the skinny children". She broke into tears. The mother growled, "Come on". They walked away with the little girl crying and mom giving me the eye. If I would've thought about it soon enough, I would've reached in the bucket and taken the candy back and kicked her in her fat little ass. Other than that we had allot of kids and it was fun."

All I can say is good thing I was not an overweight child, or I would probably be twisted and scarred.

Quotable Professor

I've always like to remember quirky little sayings that teachers and professors have said in my classes. During undergrad, I got into a habit of scribbling quotes at the top of my notes as they were said. These blurbs have covered any range of topics from self deprecation to ubiquitous space potatoes. As I have begun to study for my qualifying exams for this fall, I have cracked open some old notebooks (ie. a class from last fall) and was reminded of some of the crazy things that came out of the mouth of an Italian man who taught my DiffEq class.

While telling a story about using the computer to solve diff eqs:
"I have an experience with a grad student-not my grad student, of course...I would have fired him right away."

"This is so much better than buy one, get two. This is buy two, get infinity."

"First derivative, okay. Second derivative, okay. Third derivative, I'm screwed."

"Any more questions before the final torture begins? For today, anyway; I will be torturing you for several weeks."

"It is 5:08 according to my watch. 5:08pm, that is."

When someone asked him to repeat a topic he had just covered:
"I rewrite the same thing, but I don't mind."

"That is the beauty of mathematics-there cannot be two opinions. One of them is wrong."

While preparing us for our mid-term exam:
"You are like camels before I lead you into the desert. Did you drink enough water?"

When he found out there was a Springsteen concert in town that night:
"Bruce Springsteen is in Pittsburgh? What are you doing here?"

"Did I make a mistake? No? Unbelievable!"

"Don't trust computers. NEVER. Trust yourself."

The night after they gave away free shirts for the renaming of the school of engineering:
"Is there a way to get a shirt if we were not able to survive the crowd? Maybe I'll just ask Santa."

That is all for now. I do have a plethora of crazy and funny quotes, and you may see more here as I continue to relearn all the things I've forgotten over the past few years.

Ummm, WTF?

So, interesting website since I've been completely immersed in the land of weddings lately.

http://www.latterdaybride.com/modest_wedding_gowns.php?style=0

If you go to the "long sleeve" category and then go to the second page, there is the "jordan river" style dress....its a MATERNITY dress. Nothing says modest like getting knocked up before your wedding day.

I guess we can't be surprised that a place like this exists in Utah.

That is all for now.

The Life of the Female Engineer

This is from PhD Comics. The first time most people read it, they might not notice the subtle hint that Allison is the only female in the research group. I, however, am "Allison". Welcome to my world.

Forever and For Always

In your heart--I can still hear
a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we're apart,
I know how much you miss me
I can feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain't no way--I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't now way--and there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

'Cause I'm keeping you
forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every
morning to your sweet face--always

Thank you Shania Twain for putting in to words how I feel.

Well, Here Goes Nothing...

Its official. I'm in Pennsylvania now. Not that I've been here all that long or anything. Its a little overwhelming. I've got an apartment to unpack, no air conditioning, and the most ridiculous list of things to do to officially become a resident of this new state. I've got a few friends in the area (people I know from college), but I've yet to see anyone. My cat seems to be doing okay with the move-he's always been skiddish so I'm not too concerned that he spends a good lot of his time under my bed sleeping.

I've got a pink bathroom. You've gotta step up to get in. Its a bit strange. The best part is all my bathroom stuff was purchased for my last apt., where I had a blank white slate to start with. For which I purchased blue bathroom stuff. So now my pink tile with blue towels and shower curtain bathroom closely resembles a hospital nursery.

At least living on the 4th floor I'll get a good workout whenever I leave/come home.

I'd like to say more, but nothing seems like the right thing to say. I miss you, though.

On Being Betrothed

Its a crazy feeling...to be so excited about something that you can barely stand still.

...to feel like your legs are going to give out at the mere memory of the amazing moment when he was on his knees in front of you asking for your hand, your promise.

...to not be able to stop looking at the ring, because it seems so much like a dream that if you take your eyes off it, it might disappear.

...to know that someone who has seen you when you cry, sweat, pout and have a bad hair day still wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

...to want to spend a week on the phone calling every person you know because you want to share the overflowing joy with your friends and family.

...to know that he is "the one".

...to finally understand what everyone meant when they said the words, "You'll know when its right".

...to be in love.


"I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be
All I need to know"

Stupid Boys

I'm not much of one to really let things bother me. Most of the time I take things in stride or I get over them pretty quickly. I am feeling a bit differently since last night.

You know, I'm guessing most people have (or at one time had) someone in their life that is a friend where the line between friendship and something more was blurry. This has happened to me a couple times in the past. I'm still friends with the majority of these individuals because, unless they really meant to hurt me, I can see that line not always being clear. As long as discussions have been had and the true nature of the relationship (just friends) is clear, I don't see a problem with being friends afterward.

Of course, that is until last night when I was talking to one of these "friends" online. I decided I was finished with the internet and needed to go to bed so I said goodnight to him. He said, "Thanks for the pizza". At the time, I had no idea what the heck he was talking about. So I asked him what he was talking about and he said that he just had a random memory. I left it at that and hit the shower. While I was in the shower I was trying to remember what memory he could possibly be talking about. All of the sudden, I remembered it. It was from the weekend where he blurred that line. He was out of the country for a year shortly after that, and we used to talk all the time. He'd send me emails along the lines of "Do you remember.." and, "that was a good memory". This was before I found out we were pursuing this on different levels.

So, now I'm angry. Because something that used to make me think, "oh, that was special" now makes me think, "oh, remember that time when you made me think you liked me when you really didn't? wasn't that fun?" I just think that's a shitty thing to bring up. Sure, I said I still wanted to be friends after what happened, but I didn't sign up to have my nose rubbed in it again. Those memories are what they are. At the time I thought they were important-now I know they aren't. They are just a part of my past, and I'd prefer to leave them there.

Now, this was still irking me this morning as I headed in to work. Once I got there, I was pushed over the edge of anger.

I work in a cube farm with five other guys. Three of those guys have not matured past the age of 12. That's almost acceptable for the two who are still in their 20's. I hope you know what I mean-its like they still think that they need to pull a girl's hair to tell her they like her. I've been hanging out with guys for most of my life, and I know the rules. Practical jokes are supposed to be a sign of acceptance. That would be cool if everyone had pranks pulled on them. Since I have been in this office, any practical joke that has been pulled (not including my retaliations) has been pulled on me.

I walk in to my office, and there was no way to get into my cube without scaling the wall. One of the guys had taken extra panels off of every desk in the office and added them to mine until it was completely walled in. He also used my tools to do it, and left my toolbox open inside my cube with the allen wrench I needed neatly displayed on top, so when I peeked over the 5ft wall I could see it. I was livid. They had messed with all the decorations I had on my cube and gotten into my toolbox to do it. So in an angry fit I stormed out of the room and went down to my old office to cool off. My coworker lent me his allen wrenches and chatted with me to calm me down. When I went back to my office, I disassembled the new wall and left the extra panels in the middle of the floor. I did, however, remove the connecting apparatus (a large rod with fasteners on each end) and hide them in another location in the building. Now they all have their panels back, but can not put them back on the desks. I helped the two people in the office who were innocent bystanders with the reassembly of their desks. I had someone who came in tell me that I shouldn't be the one helping to put those desks back together. Unfortunately, though, that was my only choice.

It doesn't matter how I feel, I have to react a certain way and say I feel a certain way for this to work out okay. I can't be angry about it because then I'm just an uppity b*tch who can't take a joke. That will also cancel my "one of the guys" status. At least I'm only going to be work here for 7 more weeks. Now I also have to figure out a prank to play on the culprit or it will look like I'm pouting, once again becoming an uppity b*tch. Of course, playing a prank in return only asks for yet another prank to be played on me.

Sometimes I feel like I've got a f-in' target tattooed on my forehead.

A Changing World

I have been away from this website for too long. I guess I have always used it as a place to get things off my chest or empty out all the crazy thoughts running through my head. I really haven't had much of anything to be upset about for quite awhile, and now I've got someone to listen to all my crazy thoughts in person (whether he wants to or not! LOL).

I wanted to write this post because six months from now, I will definitely be living away from home and possibly in a different state. It'll be my first real time living on my own. I mean, when I went off to college I was less than 20mi from home. After I moved off campus I lived with a girl I've known since moving to Ohio who is practically a sister to me. Then I moved back in with the 'rents. The places I'm looking to move (for my PhD) all have people that I know living in them, so I wouldn't be completely alone. But my parents and my boyfriend will no longer be a half-hour drive away, and that's a little scary. Knowing that he worries about me leaving makes it all just a little harder to handle. The good news is that I know he will be there for me when I need him, and he will be the constant in my life. Being a Taurus, I'm not really that big on change. So having that one amazing thing in my life that stays the same will make this step so much better.

We had a conversation recently about me leaving for school. Now that I've made a trip to visit a campus, it all has become real. I hate that it has to be looked at as leaving, because I don't feel like that's what I'm doing. Sure, I'll be 250+ miles away for 3-4 years, but when all is said and done, I want to come home to you and everyone else I love. If I don't make this excursion to school, I won't have proven to myself that I can go off and live on my own and get a degree that most wouldn't dream of. I don't really want to be off on my own, but I need to know that I had the choice and that I choose to be here. Sometimes we have dreams that are out of reach. This dream is within arms length. I could never forgive myself for not chasing this dream down and making it my own. I want to be all that I can be when I come home to you. I need to know that I've made something of myself.

As I see it, its not about leaving, its about being able to bring home the new and improved me, and in the end I think that will benefit everyone involved.

P.S. In case you didn't hear, I finished my masters degree in December.

In your arms I can still feel the way you want me when you hold me
I can still hear the words you whispered when you told me
I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain't no way--I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't no way--and there ain't not how
I'll never see that day....

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every morning to your sweet face--always

In your heart--I can still hear a beat for every time you kiss me
And when we're apart, I know how much you miss me
I can feel your love for me in your heart

And there ain't no way--I'm lettin' you go now
And there ain't now way--and there ain't no how
I'll never see that day....

In your eyes--I can still see the look of the one who really loves me
The one who wouldn't put anything else in the world above me
I can still see love for me in your eyes

-Shania Twain
"Forever and For Always"

I Think About You

Bryan Adams - I Think About You

I oughta be workin' - but I can't concentrate
I oughta be sleepin' - 'steada stayin' up late
When I oughta be doing all the things I should do
I think about you
I oughta be writin' - but I can't find the song
Just sittin' here driftin' - driftin' along
There's only one thing that I wanna do
And that's think about you

~~~Not moving so quickly on my thesis...I need to finish this POS and move on with my life!~~~

Yuck

After three trips to a mall in three days, I can honestly say I do not care for shopping.

What is Love?

You ever wonder what it is that causes us to fall in love?

From where do these feelings come? Is it simply a biological reaction? My pheromones attract him the same way his pheromones attract me. Is it a physical thing? Something about each of us attracts the other. Is it a mental thing? A spiritual thing? (No, I don't mean religious.) Is it simply what God decided? Now I'm being religious.

Not only do I wonder where these feelings originate, but also I wonder how we know when to be confident about them. Why is it that in certain realms, I can feel the same way about two different people, but one of them can be the right person for me and the other can't? How do you know for sure when to hang up the towel, cash in your chips and leave with your earnings? And how can you trust a feeling like that when it surfaces after only a month or two?

How is it that I can go from 4 months ago thinking that moving away for school will be the best thing that could happen for me to now thinking that moving away for school will be a trying, scary period of life I try to survive without losing one of the most important people in my life. It brings me to tears just thinking about what that might be like. I won't just be working hard on my schoolwork, research, and student teaching. I'll have to be putting in the effort to maintain the best thing that's ever happened to me.

More thoughts later...

"I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile

Oh it sounds good to me
Yes it sounds so good to me"
-Dixie Chicks

On My Way to You

This song has been stuck in my head for three days...

On My Way To You-Jamie O'Neal

I worked a little while in a little town in Colorado
But the winters were just a little bit too long
So I decided California was the place that I'd go
And I was gone
Fell in love, got my heart broke down in San Diego
I was off and driftin' any way the wind was blowin'
That was then, way back when
I didn't have a clue where I was goin'
No, I had no way of knowin' I was

On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you

What if I'd have stayed an extra day or left a week too early
Who's to say my path and yours
Would have had a chance to cross
At the time I couldn't see the line
Connectin' each and every little dot
Keepin' me from getting lost

On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you

I'm glad I didn't chance direction, no
Not one minute or a second

On my way to you
There were things I didn't understand
I didn't see the plan
But now I do
There were no mistakes and no bad moves
No, I wouldn't change a thing that I went through
On my way to you

Running Forward, Taking a Few Steps Back

Well, tomorrow is the 5k. The guy and I have been training for it for 3-4 weeks, and although we aren't really in good shape, we're in good enough shape to run it. Its really nice to have someone who doesn't mind going out and doing something active with me...running, soccer, whatever. What's even better is knowing he still thinks I'm pretty when I'm all sweaty and yuck. Then tomorrow afternoon we get to go to the ritzy shopping center an hour and a half away and waste some money.

Besides that, I'm moving back in with the 'rents by the end of the month. I know its only temporary (~4mos) but it still feels like a step in the wrong direction. I know when I find out about grad school I'll feel a bunch better about it, but its pretty abysmal right now. Of course, a bunch of my hs friends have recently or will soon move back to my hometown as well, so I'll get to spend more time with them. Then again, I'll be further from the guy. It might be a dry run to find out how the long distance thing will work with us. I hope it all goes well.

Short post today...I feel like I'm in a hurry, but that's because new things keep coming up.

The Tide of Life

Life is so odd.

I have been in a state of happiness for the past 73 days for sure. This is a pretty darn long time for me. Its definitely due to the relationship that began, hmm, 73 days ago. Strange how that works. I, the girl who wants too much without really wanting anything, have found more than I could have hoped for. Sure, we're probably still in the "honeymoon" of our dating, where the other can do on wrong (except maybe break your glovebox) and even when they do wrong, you just smile and kiss and everything is better. I'm sure there will be disagreements and moments other than pure bliss, but he's the kind of guy that I wouldn't mind fighting with if it meant we got to make up later. Plus we're building up such great communication skills with each other that I can't see us not eventually smoothing out the edges.

So this is good news for me for sure.

But now that I don't have to worry about me, being the worrier I am, I've been looking around at my friends. I know that not everyone can be happy all the time, and not every relationship works, but I worry about, pray for, and cry for many of my friends. The relationships that seem perfect, are on their way to marriage, and then end suddenly for seemingly no reason. The women who are too afraid to let anyone close enough to ever find love. The ones who are too deeply invested to realize how miserable they are at the end of each day. The ones who are willing to start their life over to be with someone. The ones who no longer have the support of their mother and father to make it through the difficult times in life. The ones that are willing to settle for anything less than the right thing.

I find myself wishing, and sometimes trying, to fix everyone, tell them the best way to deal with situations. But I can't do that. I am very different than most of my friends. While many of our core values are the same, tolerance levels and ability to sacrifice varies greatly from one of us to the next. What is best for me is not best for her or the next girl. Plus, I don't have all the answers. I got lucky.

Besides, I've had my fair share of screw-ups and stupid decisions...maybe some of my friends just aren't yet to a place where they are ready to stumble upon happy.

My advice, to myself and anyone else, is just make sure you're happy. I don't mean that in a selfish way, but in a deserving way. We're good people. If you're unhappy, figure out why. Try to do something about it. If you can't directly solve the problem, find ways to bring greater satisfaction from the other areas of your life.

Don't settle for anything less than livin' the good life...

Big Brother my A$$

Today, my brother made me VERY angry.

So, the 4th of July is sneaking up on us. Its on a Tuesday, so that makes the whole holiday celebration thing a little more tricky, but, whatever. Back at home the fireworks are actually on the 4th, so I make plans with my mom that we'll have family time on Tuesday. Well, I talk to her this morning and she says that my brother is going to be at home on Sunday...can I come home Sunday? Well, she knows that Sundays are not really good for me because of soccer, and especially this Sunday because my game is at 2:30...that means from 1:30 until 4:30 I'm busy. So if we are going to get together on Sunday, I have to dash around and come home all stinky after my game to make it work. I ask her why he can't come home on Tuesday. She says he wouldn't give her a straight answer, just said he'd be home on Sunday.

So I decide to call my brother. He doesn't answer the phone. I don't try leaving a voicemail because he doesn't check it. Then I call his cell phone. No answer. So I email him, explain my Sunday situation and ask why he can't get together on Tuesday. His response is, "I'm going home Sunday. You can go whenever you want to. I thought we were just going to grill some burgers, so it doesn't have to be a big production." I email him back and inform him that he didn't answer my question. He responds again, "I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want." I then respond saying that I apologize if he thinks I'm being nosy, but I thought this was going to be family time and I'm just curious why I'm going to have to rush around on Sunday to make family time work. I also inform him that he's being a bit of a jerk about the whole thing. He emails me back and says, "I am not arranging my life around your soccer games. I am going home on Sunday. You can go whenever you want."

Fuck it. I'm going home Tuesday. Right now, I don't care when I get to see him. You know, you would think knowing that in 6 months I'm going to be moving away, he might actually try to be nice and spend time with the little sister who has worked hard to maintain a relationship through years of jerkishness on his part. I'm done. Maybe he'll be sorry when I'm not there for him anymore, and maybe he won't be. I don't give a flying fig.

I called my mom to tell her about this and that I wouldn't be coming home on Sunday. I know that she's upset about it, but so am I. And maybe if she's upset, she'll tell him that he's being a jerk when she sees him on Sunday. Besides, I'll get to see her and my dad on Tuesday, so that's the important part.

I just want a hug from my bf right now...

Grrrrrroni

Apparently I've spent 6 years in higher education to become a personal dog sitter.

Okay, enough complaining, because besides that, I've been having an amazing time since Thursday. Flew out to San Fran, visited with my uncle, had some business meetings, did a lot of the tourist-y things, flew home on Monday, saw my guy on Tuesday. Whew. Talk about action packed. Took tons of awesome pictures. Of San Fran, not my guy ;). If you wanna see them, make sure to let me know. Sometimes I think that if I didn't mind being poor and hadn't already dedicated 6 years to engineering, I'd like to be a professional photographer. Instead I think I'll just do it for fun on the side. You know, like a mistress.

The guys at work were giving me a hard time today. This is the first time they've seen me get all smiley about a guy, and they're having a good time with it. One of my co-workers started talking about how if things are getting serious, by about November we'll have to have a serious conversation and either call it quits or I may be wearing a ring. I was eating my lunch at the time and almost choked on it. Thank goodness for the new woman who sits in my mini cube farm/office space. She piped in and said "Or you could just keep dating. My husband and I dated for nine months before I started grad school and we didn't get engaged until a year and a half after I finished, after we'd lived in the same town and were sure we still wanted to marry each other." Wow! You're my hero Kathy. Way to pipe in for me. Another level-headed female who plays soccer in the room with me. At least that gives me some hope for the next 7-8 weeks.

A Few Dozen Then a Couple More

Carolyn Dawn Johnson: I Don't Want You To Go

Monday mornin' is such a rush
Here it is again sneakin' up on us
Uh-huh-huh yeah
This is the part you know I don't like
We say goodbye and then we kiss goodnight
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know it's one o'clock
And we said you'd be gone by ten
So much for those eight hours
I swore that I'd get in

I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go

We always say just one more kiss
But it always seems to never end like this
Uh-huh-huh yeah
A few dozen then a couple more
Before we know it it's after four
Uh-huh-huh yeah
I know tomorrow my best friend will be my coffee cup
Cause here we go again
Watchin' the sun come up

Yeah, I know I should get some sleep
I'm at the beginnin' of another long week
But I don't want you to go
No I don't want you to go
I guess another minute wouldn't do no harm
Why not spend it in each other's arms
Cause I don't want you to go
No baby, I don't want you to go

This would be the song that is currently stuck in my head...