Oh, the Libations

In the year 1987, a lot happened. I turned 5, my dad turned 30, my granny passed away, and my dad stopped drinking. I've never gotten a straight answer from the man as to why he chose to stop drinking. When I was in high school, he led me to believe he got drunk once as a teen and never drank again. Yes, I am gullible and believed my dad. As the years passed I found out the year he stopped drinking (which was obviously not while he was a teen) but was the year my granny died. So since then I've always thought it at least partially has something to do with that. In the past year or so the stories of drunken debauchery (well, maybe fiascos is a better word) have begun to be revealed to me. Now it is clearer to me why my brother and I act the way we do when we get trashed. It also explains to me the blacking out I've been experiencing-apparently its a family tradition. At least I've never woken up in a room full of Koreans I don't know (but in his defense he WAS in Korea at the time) or with my head dried in the mud of the flowerbed in my yard while my landlord was hosting a formal tea party mere yards away...

I guess we Cherokees just can't handle our firewater.

The part that scares me is how quickly my drunken debauchery (now is the time for that word to be appropriate) is progressing from bad to downright terrible. I've lost all sense of limitations and control, and the bad part is I can black out while I'm still on my feet drinking, talking, kissing, puking, etc. I don't like having to ask people what I did the night before. I don't like finding huge bruises/knots on my knee and not remembering getting them. I don't like hurting friends' feelings with my contradictory behavior. Plus, now that I am in grad school, its probably not the best time to be killing off droves of brain cells...

So I'm gonna scale it down a few notches. Even though I hear I'm a riot during these periods, I no longer want to be "that guy". I think I'll be doing myself a huge favor by taking this step. The first thing is to stop taking shots. They are the devil. Mixed drinks are all right, as long as they are being enjoyed, not chugged. I'm also going to attempt the 1 drink per hour rule. I think this should get me back on a reasonable path.

And maybe once I'm 30 I'll just give it up for good...

"I'm Not Ready to Make Nice"

This blog is sometimes my salvation.

I'm not the kind of person who has to talk about everything that makes me mad/upset. Sometimes just posting to this blog or sitting and telling my mom I'm upset is enough to make me feel better. I think at times everyone should be allowed to be upset or offended for a bit. And if you can find a healthy way to vent those feelings (ice cream, angry girl music, posting to your blog) and are able to get past them that way, then go for it. If something really bothers me and needs to be dealt with, I deal with it. But most times, I post to this blog and within a day or two those feelings of hurt or anger are barely a memory. And many times I have my ending thought or tagline-its for either summing up my point or giving myself a message. I'm not running around trying to tell everyone else how to be better people.

So, proceed with caution.

If I hurt your feelings with what I've said, I can guarantee it was not my intention. But I refuse to make my blogs "edited for content". Its my heart, its my brain, and these are my feelings and thoughts, and I can proceed with them in any manner I choose. I refuse to tiptoe around in my outpourings. If that bothers you, you don't have to read it. As I said in my very first post to this blog, its for me. I really don't care if anyone else reads it.

The days where I made sure no one was ever offended and smoothed over every problem, whether I owned it or not, are over. There are a lot of things for which I have time and can make time. Making everyone else happy is not one of them. Making sure I don't go crazy is. This isn't a sign of hubris, pretension or self-centeredness, merely honesty and sanity. I can't fix everything, and I can't be the only presenter of compromise or of the olive branch.

I appreciate the people in my life who do reach out, who tell me they are sorry for hurting me when they know they have, or who tell me when I've offended them. I can't apologize for hurting someone if I don't know I've hurt them. And its hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry for their actions.

Enter at your own risk.

SHeDAISY quote

"If I could be thirteen again
To live with no regret
When I could still be president
....
And I could not wait to be
Something at twenty-three"

I'm almost 24...what am I?

Overlooked and Underplayed

If I had to describe my most frequent feeling the past month or two, it would be overlooked. It isn't an enjoyable emotion.

Last week I got a call from a hs friend I hadn't heard from in months. It was her birthday about two months ago, and I called and left a happy birthday message on her phone. I didn't hear back from her until last week. She actually called me using the phone of another friend of ours, who I hadn't heard from since mid February. Then I had wanted to get together with her, and she said she'd call me back, and I got no call. Anyway, I see who is calling and I think, "Yay. I haven't heard from her in awhile." And when I answer its the first friend and I think, "Wow, I get to hear from both of them". After we have the chit-chat and the reason for the call (she bought a house down the street from my 'rents), she tells me to stop acting like I live in Colorado...I should call more often. So I point out the fact that I did call her, two months before that, and hadn't heard back from her. She didn't have my phone number. I think that's interesting considering my cell number hasn't changed in the four years I've had it. So either she never had my number in her phone or she got a new phone and I didn't make the transfer list (boy does that make me feel special). But basically, its my fault that we never spend time together. That hurts my feelings. They are both so busy living their lives that they can't return a phone call, but I'm the one not making the effort.

Then on Sunday I went to a bridal shower of a girl I used to babysit. My mom and I were invited together, so I never took a good look at the invitation. I get to my parents' house an hour or so before, finally look at the address and think, "I know someone who lives on that street, but I can't place it". We get in the car and head to the shower, and as we get closer, I realize that its the street that a guy friend from high school lived on. We ran cross country and track together and both played soccer all the same years. My freshman and sophomore years in college we kept in really good touch-he was a lifesaver the summer after freshman year when I had mono, was living on campus and had no car. I believe it was during our junior year that he met his girl, and shortly after they started dating I stopped hearing from him. I would call every once in awhile, but I didn't see him anymore. I stopped trying to call after I found out he was engaged to be married and not only had a not heard about the engagement, but I hadn't been invited to the wedding. Back to the bridal shower...it turns out that his mom was hosting it, and not only did I see him but I saw his parents (I used to hang out at his house in hs) and his brother and his wife (I'd met her once for about 20min when they first started dating). It was awkward. I mean, here is this friend who used to go out of his way to drive to campus to bring me a movie or take me out putt-putting or for ice cream just to keep me from going insane, and the last two or three years of our life have no connection. It hurts.

Then there are friends and roommates who are so absorbed in their significant others that they don't remember a monthly tradition or can't be bothered to answer a voicemail unless she has news about herself to share. There are also the people who have time to say they want to see you but can't seem to find a day to do just that.

I know that I'm busy and you're busy and we don't always make the time for each other, but if something is important, don't let it slip away. Friendships grow and change and are revived and outlive their purpose and meaning, but it shouldn't be due to an oversight.

"There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more"
-Sugarland